Threat Quality Press

Malta-born and ambidextrous, Jefferson Korneleus Holland learned juggling as a form of self-defense meant to keep him off the mean Maltese streets. It didn’t take, thanks to a staggering lack of interest and coordination. Fortunately, in Malta, there are no gangs. Only roving packs of chest hair.

When the sun-kissed island found itself facing a conquering hoard of Mongolians (who, it turns out, had only intended to deliver some takeout, but decided to invade once they got there and saw just how ripe for the pickings Malta really was), Holland smuggled himself to the United States using a powerful blend of shamanic ritual magic and his diminutive stature, which he used to fold himself into a piece of luggage. Carry-on luggage. In retrospect, he should’ve just paid for the stinking plane ticket.

Once in the states, he spent his teenage years on the not-exactly-mean-but-certainly-a-bit-standoffish streets of East Norriton busking as a street-ukulelist, until a kindly bearded gent offered him money to pick-a-pocket-or-two. The fact that the old man loudly sang this in plain view of police officers led his immediate arrest. Once again, thanks to his miniscule frame, Holland got away by slipping into the fanny-pack of a passing tourist.

That tourist turned out to be from Kutztown. And so Holland attended college at their local university, hitting the books with every waking hour that was not spent reading comics, learning how to drink, or staring at girls with hair colors not found in nature.

He eventually settled on the noble major of Professional Writing, up until the moment that he realized it was highly unlikely that it would make him rich. Y’know, stupid-rich. Lotto Rich. So, utilizing a decision-making process that could only be described as “bourbon-soaked,” he switched to English Education. While student-teaching he learned to his horror that teaching was a lot of hard work for the sake of a bunch of bastard kids.

Directionless and mildly bored, Holland spent his post-college time traveling America, searching for the truth of his country by basking in the glow of the world’s largest twine ball. When he returned home, he stumbled headlong into a job as a professional googler and stayed there long after was healthy.

Recently, his long, twisty-straw journey has brought him back to professional writing, where he is currently a multiple threat. He is a founding writer for Threat Quality and I Speak TV, a contributing writer for Lehigh Valley Hospital, and, during his 40 hours of off-time per week, assistant editor for Progressive Business Publications.

It should also be noted that Jeff Holland is also an inveterate liar with a somewhat tenuous grip on reality.