This photo was on CNN.com, and then they took it down. It is an excellent example of why, when you’re setting up a convention, you need to be REALLY careful with the imagery that you use.
Ladies, gentlemen, I give you…
Sarah Palin.
Sieg fucking heil.
-St. Paul Minnesota
John McCain was found standing over the body of a dead drifter in his hotel room, yesterday. According to the hotel staff that made the discovery, McCain’s hands were covered in blood and it looked, “like he had eaten the man’s face.” An alarming action like this could certainly cause trouble for the Senator’s presidential campaign, so it’s little surprise that his media relations team was quick to respond.
Katy Perry, in the most round-about way possible, recently reaffirmed my faith in the progressive spirit of American society.
Man, the things you never expect to type, y’know?
I hadn’t actually heard Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl.” But I’d heard rumors about it – well, teeth-gnashing rumblings on music and pop-culture sites, anyway. Enough to learn it was a) aggressively bad, b) not really a cover of Jill Sobule’s 1995 song, and c) inexplicably popular.
Dear the Republicans:
Congratulations! You’ve nominated a woman as your vice-presidential candidate. That is awesome! Let me be the first to welcome you into the 21st century. Exciting isn’t it? I hope you enjoy your stay here, but I want to let you know that there may be features of this new world, with its internets and its YouTubes and the Google, that will be strange and unfamiliar to you.
You’ve noticed that women can seriously contend for the same jobs as men, so that’s good–but we’ve also given them “rights,” like about how we have to pay them the same as men, and what they can do with their bodies and such, so you might want to think about making that part of your platform, too. There’s a couple other things. For one, brown people can ALSO have jobs other than “houseboy” or “gardener”–this may be discomfiting for you guys at first, so maybe wait a couple years before you try and find an “ethnic” to nominate.
Let’s see. Oh! Science has come to an informal consensus about that whole evolution thing, so we’re not really using Genesis to study biology anymore. You should probably let Sarah Palin know that–she might have just missed the letter we sent around in 2001. I hear they only got e-mail in Alaska last week, so maybe that accounts for it! [ha ha--joke!]
Homosexuality no longer causes AIDS; all different kinds of people can get it, now! So, we’ve generally decided that being gay isn’t really a big deal any more. Did you know that the gays even have their own TV shows? I know, it’s crazy! You could find some on the YouTubes, but that might be a little too much action for one century. Don’t wear yourselves out too soon!
Aaaand, oh, right–Reagan. Here’s the thing: Ronald Reagan is in the past now. I know, I know, you liked him, but he really did his thing in nineteen eighty, which is technically the 20th century. That stuff that McCain says, about how we have to change and embrace the future–I know it’s confusing, sometimes, but there’s a good litmus test now: things that happened in the 20th century are the PAST. That means that switching to Ronald Reagan’s policies would be like going backwards!
I know it can be tough, acclimating yourself to a new century. I sure had trouble with it, when the 21st century hit me–wow, was it almost ten years ago, already? Time sure does fly! Anyway, no one expects you guys to do all of it all at once. You can sort of ease in. Nominate a woman here and there, that’s good. Don’t overdo it, though. I mean, there’s no need to change any of your policies just yet–putting a woman on your ticket must have been hard enough! I’m just saying to think about some of this stuff; maybe in another ten years, or so…?
That might be pushing it. You’ve got a woman on your ticket now, let’s say twenty years before you actually start supporting equal pay and biological autonomy.
In the meantime, welcome to the 21st century, guys! We sure are happy you could join us!
–Vitruvius
