Monsters: Updated!
A terrifying hell-beast has washed ashore in Russia. Can there be any doubt that the Moscow Monster and the fabled Montauk Monster have been battling for mastery of an ancient civilization of degenerate crystal-skull-worshipping devil-men beneath the icy waters of the North Atlantic? Who can deny the IRREFUTABLE EVIDENCE of these squamous batrachian horrors? Oh mighty Cthulhu, who dwells dead and dreaming in sunken R’lyeh, know that you will find no greater worshippers than Threat Quality Press, and grant us the mercy of a quick and painless death!
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October 5, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Braak, you’re jumping to conclusions again. Turns out the so called “Montauk Monster” was nothing more than a deformed owl-bear that went bald. And this new discovery is clearly just a common Skeksis.
The Old Ones sleep soundly, and there is no reason to be concerned.
In other unrelated news, we’re moving closer and closer to off-shore drilling.
October 6, 2008 at 3:09 pm
…What the hell is an owl-bear? Is that like a fiji mermaid?
October 6, 2008 at 3:56 pm
The owlbear is the most ridiculous of creatures ever fabricated by Dungeons and Dragons. Obviously, Erin’s claims are outlandish, as the Montauk Monster clearly has teeth, and an owlbear does not.
Moreover, Skeksis haven’t existed as non-gestalt entities since the re-assemblage of the crystal of truth during the last Great Conjunction in 1982.
While I’m no alarmist, I think there’s good reason to be alarmed.
October 8, 2008 at 12:52 am
Why does it look like the man-eating plant from “Little Shop of Horrors”? What eccentric but brilliant genetibiomarinemutantologist—perhaps handsome in that bookish, madcap sort of way…swirling beakers at midnight, lonely but passionate–could allow such a creature to arise from the hands of science, only to release it upon an unsuspecting insurance salesman?
October 8, 2008 at 10:31 am
Was it you? Did you make this heinous monstrosity?
ADMIT IT, VIP! YOU ARE THE MAD SCIENTIST BEHIND THE MOSCOW HELL BEST!
October 8, 2008 at 12:09 pm
“Moscow Hell Best” is a great name for a band.
October 8, 2008 at 3:26 pm
You’re all a bunch of freaks. And you give hill billies a bad name. For shame. For shame!
October 8, 2008 at 10:33 pm
It’s definitely not a chupacabra, no pinstriping. Might be a chumbawumba.
October 8, 2008 at 11:34 pm
We’ll have to see, now that he’s been knocked down, if he gets up again.
October 9, 2008 at 12:35 am
“Facultative bipedalism”. I’m embarassed for all of you, really. I don’t pretend to be the absolute authority on “Russe Squatinidae Wombaticus” but I suppose in some environments, my rare experience sets me apart from…you.
On a warmer note: As of now, I officially believe in everything “Threat Quality Press” has to say. I’ve reevaluated my view of technology, exerienced the emotional and intellectual pangs of reading great work and committed to a 3-year subscription of “Cat Fancy”…all because of “Threat Quality Press”. Thanks, TQP!
October 9, 2008 at 8:46 am
Threat Quality Press:
Changing lives for the better!
(Also appeasing Cthulhu)
April 1, 2009 at 3:13 pm
[...] Dear the Internet: Are you really that interested in seeing pictures of the Montauk Monster? You’ve looked up the Montauk Monster over two thousand times today! And yet, not ONE SEARCH for the fabled Moscow Monster. [...]