To entertain you, I’m going to post this little piece that I wrote about famous poets, and the kinds of jobs that they had before they became famous poets. I anticipate that it is the first of what will soon become my “McSweeney’s Rejection Collection.” Read more »
Archive for October, 2008
For Humor’s Sake: The Poets Paying Their Dues (TQP0105)
Posted in Braak with tags Braak, Teh Goofy on October 17, 2008 by braakStephen Baldwin, Cultural Terrorist
Posted in Braak, Politics with tags Braak, Politics, shitheads on October 17, 2008 by braakThere was a little piece in the New York Daily News today, from Stephen Baldwin:
“I’d like to knock some good sense into Barack,” Alec’s right-wing bro said at the Printing House Gym in the Village. “I wouldn’t hurt him. But if he wins the election, he’ll hurt me. He’s a cultural terrorist”
I’m going to repeat part of that, because I think that it’s important. Stephen Baldwin–STEPHEN BALDWIN–called Barack Obama a “cultural terrorist.” Stephen Baldwin, whose contributions to American culture include, but ARE NOT LIMITED TO: The Snake King, The Sex Monster, Dark Storm, EARTH Storm, and SLAPSHOT 2: BREAKING THE ICE.
It’s fairly safe to say that Stephen Baldwin wouldn’t know culture if Werner Herzog took a copy of Don Quixote and BEAT HIM TO DEATH WITH IT while Picasso played “Moonlight Sonata” in the background.
Stephen Baldwin. I just don’t even know what to do. I’m contributing to the problem, obviously, and I shouldn’t be, but I can’t help it–for real, regardless of how, if you think about it, you can make an argument that a person is slightly kind of almost famous, RETARDED PEOPLE SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO TALK ABOUT POLITICS.
YEEEEARRRRGHH! Apoplexy!
This is the World We Live In
Posted in Jeff Holland with tags hippies, Jeff Holland on October 17, 2008 by braakThreat Quality Press now presents: The Saddest Image in the World.
Threat Quality Press defies your heart not to break.
Stomping Around in the Dark 4: “The Blob”
Posted in Jeff Holland, poetics with tags Jeff Holland, monsters, October Horror, poetics, Stomping Around in the Dark 08 on October 16, 2008 by braakWhat separates “The Blob” from the 200-odd movies featured on “Mystery Science Theater”? In two 
words…quality control.
It’s not a scary movie, it doesn’t have an awesome budget, and in its first half-hour, it tends to meander a bit before getting back to the plot.
The Plot, such as it is: blob attacks old man in the woods, then the doctor who’s treating him, then disappears for a long stretch of movie, while Steve McQueen and the gang go looking for it. Then all of Phoenixville tries their best to kill it, proclaiming the situation hopeless after each attempt.
I always think back to something MST3K’s Tom Servo said regarding movies like this: “To be fair, the producers weren’t really expecting anyone to be watching the movie by this point – everyone was supposed to be making out by now.”
Read more »
Douchebag Economics/Numskull Safety (TQP0104)
Posted in Adam Lipschutz, Politics with tags Adam Lipschutz, douchebag science, Politics on October 15, 2008 by braak
My fellow Americans, there is positively no denying that we are living in some tough times. The economy is unstable, unemployment has reached shocking heights, ten percent of Americans face foreclosure and, let’s face it, we still have to weather several more months of having a total douchebag in the presidency. But, my fellow Americans, if we hope to ever see better days, then the absolute last thing that we can afford to do is surrender to hopeless cynicism.That is why I have devoted my day to a few ideas that I think will help promote a recuperative environment for America.
Stomping Around in the Dark 3: “The Day the Earth Stood Still”
Posted in Jeff Holland, poetics with tags hippies, Jeff Holland, October Horror, poetics, Stomping Around in the Dark 08 on October 14, 2008 by braakThe Day the Earth Stood Still is generally regarded as a “hippie” sci-fi film. And on the face of it, that’s true. But there’s a darker agenda under the surface.
The story is about an alien who shows up in the middle of Washington, D.C. and says, “I need you humans to come together and listen to my important message of universal peace,” only to have the designated government official respond, “Hoo-boy, did YOU not get the memo about how we handle things on this planet.”
As the alien Klaatu, Michael Rennie’s response is an expression of beatific condescension, a look that says, “You stupid apes just aren’t picking up what I’m laying down here, are you?”
Read more »
Idiots (Part One of…who am I kidding? This will never run out) (TQP0103)
Posted in Braak, Politics with tags Braak, News?, Politics, shitheads on October 13, 2008 by braak
I want to draw your attention to this. It’s from a site called the American Thinker, and I’m kind of torn about giving it any credence. I don’t know that I want people to actually read this article, because I don’t want to contribute, in even the remotest way, to its credibility. It’s an article hypothesizing that Barack Obama’s memoir, Dreams of My Father, was actually ghost-written by Bill Ayers.
And it is utterly moronic.
Lovecraft Redux: Scaaaaary Old Men (TQP0102)
Posted in Braak, poetics with tags Braak, monsters, October Horror, poetics on October 13, 2008 by braak
Scaaary Old Man
It’s a cold, boring day at the office, so I’m going to talk about H. P. Lovecraft again. Because that’s my thing.
Here’s something interesting: Lovecraft is widely-recognized as a genius of horror. His books all have pull quotes from Stephen King and Clive Barker, introductions by Robert Bloch and Joyce Carol Oates and Neil Gaiman, and are adorned with descriptors like “legendary master of the macabre.”
Personally, though, I’ve only ever found three of his stories to be especially creepy.
How to Survive the Economic Apocalypse (TQP0101)
Posted in Braak with tags Braak, News? on October 10, 2008 by braak
There’s a scene in Alan Moore’s Watchmen where Ozymandius takes a few minutes to ensure that his gigantic fortune will get even more gigantic. To do this, he watches a hundred televisions simultaneously, to analyze trends in advertising.
If you watch television right now, mostly what you see are deals on sandwiches. This is extremely important. It means that we are all going to be very poor, very soon, and cheap sandwiches are all we’ll be able to afford. If you’ve got any money left, now’s the time to invest in cheap sandwiches and cheap beer. No matter what else happens, people will always buy cheap sandwiches and cheap beer.
This is the World We Live In
Posted in Jeff Holland with tags George Damn Bush, Jeff Holland, Strange Love on October 10, 2008 by braak
Even fictional holiday symbols are uncomfortable with his touch.
