From Susan Boyle to the Apocalypse in Four Short Steps
- Susan Boyle: I don’t get it. It’s not that I don’t think she has an excellent singing voice – as a matter of fact, I still haven’t bothered listening to her, as I’m not much of a Les Mis fan. It’s not that, if you take away the whole “singing” aspect, you might assume she’s actually Jack Black in drag on some kind of Funny-or-Die skit. It’s that the underlying reason for the clip’s popularity seems to be “Oh look, unattractive people can also sing!”, which is so mindbendingly stupid and patronizing that I cannot for the life of me understand how it’s gained as much notoriety as it has.
- Gangs of New York: Thanks to scheduling mix-ups on Fox, Tad and I finally sat down to watch this, after upwards of five years of saying, “Boy, we really should watch this at some point.” It’s a really great movie, marred only by the presence of Leo DiCaprio and Cameron Diaz. Now, I’m starting to realize that my irritation with DiCaprio is based more on some irrational hatred of the man and his pinchy, squinty, punchable face and AW I HATE HIM SO MUCH RAAAAGE so let’s focus on Diaz.
She isn’t bad – and her comes-and-goes Oirish accent is far less egregious than, say, Heather Graham’s “cockney” in “From Hell” – but in a movie with Jim Broadbent, Brendan Gleason, and Daniel Frickin’ Day-Lewis, she sticks out in contrast as a relative lightweight actor who was given this kind of prestige role seven years ago but now stars in romantic comedies opposite Jack Black. Having an actress indelibly linked to early 00′s popularity takes a bit of the timelessness out of a period film, y’know? (See also: Wynona Ryder in most films.)
- DiCaprio, for his part, is taking time to teach life lessons to the next generation of young, impressionable stars, including Zac Efron, whom he apparently told, “”There’s one way that you can really f— this all up. Just do heroin.” Efron, to his credit, did not reply, “DUUUUUUUUUR.”
In fact, that Zac Efron might not be an idiot at all, which troubles me, because he is also pretty like a girl. Elsewhere in this GQ article People magazine is quoting (“People Magazine: We Read Other Magazines For You”), he says, “It’s common sense. If you’re gonna be drunk with your friends, don’t get wasted at the Chateau Marmont and hook up with some famous chick. It’s not rocket science.”
And I was astonished. And then I realized, I was astonished because a young actor did not appear to be a complete mental midget. So I had to go to bed and cry for a little while. But I’m okay now.
- A young actor who may not be a total dolt may be a sign of the apocalypse, but I can’t be sure, because it has yet to show up on the History Channel on Sunday. And apparently, the cable channel (which had previously been devoted to Things That Had Occurred, it should be noted) devotes the entirety of its Sunday programming to Potential Causes of the Apocalypse. Please do not be alarmed, but Killer Robots is higher on the list than you might have thought (also, were you afraid of roving black holes slowly sucking our universe into nothingness? Well, History Channel says you might want to keep an eye on that).
But who can we blame for this possible end of life as we know it from, oh let’s say a supervolcano? History Channel’s got you covered there, by ending the evening with a special on Secret Societies and How They Totally Exist, Assuming You Don’t Listen to One of Our Experts. Its first expert? DAVID FUCKING ICKE. “Space-Lizard-People are our ruling class and eat and rape our young” David Icke. Is quoted as an expert. On the History Channel.
You stay classy, History Channel.