Today in Idiots: EVERYONE
Haha, not really. But I’m going to take a minute here and bitch about something. I hang out, periodically, in places like io9, where people talk about science fiction and movies &c., and I’ve noticed a recurring theme: everyone keeps pissing me the fuck off.
Not everyone. Just a handful of people, who write with a handful of sort of rote responses to any kind of argument or discussion. These are not trolling, per se, where the intention is to just make everyone angry (pathetically easy to achieve in my case), and they aren’t specifically counter-arguments. They’re more like anti-arguments–things that people say primarily for the purpose of curtailing discussion, usually because they’re embarrassed about liking something stupid. Worst offenders, after the jump.
It’s not Proust, so who gives a shit?
This guy (and his philosophically-related cousin, “I just wanted to see some tits”) is apparently commenting on a science-fiction website for NO REASON. Here’s this huge complex computer code that enables us to talk to each other about things that we’re interested in, and this fucker chimes in to tell us that if it’s not Proust then it isn’t even worth talking about.
Well, motherfucker, you know what ELSE isn’t Proust? Everything. Every god-damn thing isn’t Proust. What is this shit? Literary analysis is like being good at running. Let’s say you’re a good runner. Well, some races are marathons (Remembrance of Things Past) and some races are not (Deathstalker). If you are a good marathon runner, and someone asks if you want to go run a 5k, do you say, “Fuck that shit. If it’s not at least twenty miles, then I don’t want to hear about it”? Let’s say you’re a chef, and you’re good at making fancy food–does this mean you never make sandwiches? Do you say, “Fuck sandwiches, for me it’s a souffle or NOTHING”?
Well, then you’re a cock. Get the fuck out of here with your bullshit. No one is impressed by the fact that you read everything on your Freshman Lit reading list. We ALL had Freshman Lit reading lists; most of us read everything on them. If we wanted to talk about fucking Proust, we’d be on the Proust website talking about it.
I Just Wanted to See Some Tits:
These guys are out in force to defend Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Every reviewer that panned it as being completely fucking retarded is immediately subjected to a wave of comments that go, “I just wanted to see Megan Fox’s tits, and some giant robots. Stop criticising it!” Mostly, this is because they liked the movie, and calling the movie stupid makes them feel stupid for liking it.
Well you know what, dummy? You ARE stupid. Live it, love it, own it, and stop fucking talking to me about it. You just want to see some tits, fine; go lock yourself up in your bedroom and watch some porn. Actually better, you know what? Take an icepick and stick it in your fucking brain, because that’s the life that you want to live: you would be happier if you were lobotomized. Someone will make you potato salad you can eat with a spork, you’ll get all the vicodin you want, and you’ll fulfill all your dumbest fantasies staring at Megan Fox in her short shorts.
Do you think it’s admirable that you can take your standards, bury them in the ground, and then shit on them? It’s not. No 0ne thinks you’re cool for just wanting to see some tits, and then getting to see them.
You’re Talking About A Realistic Plot in a Movie With Giant Robots!?!?:
Here’s another misguided fucker who thinks there’s some kind of glamour in being a moron. Yes, idiot, we’re talking about a realistic plot in a movie with giant robots. “Giant robots” doesn’t mean anything can happen–it just means that GIANT ROBOTS can happen. Everything ELSE is still supposed to make sense.
Here’s how I can prove it: remember how much you liked Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen? Imagine if, when Shia the Beef got the Allspark, he turned into a nuclear marmot that destroyed the Decepticons by vomiting sharp-edged homonyms at them. Tell me you wouldn’t say that that didn’t make sense.
OH WHAT? ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT SENSE? THERE’S GIANT ROBOTS! BLAEEAGGEGGH!
Everyone Shut Up and Let Buying Decide:
You run into this guy every time you want to criticise Marvel’s porntastic sexist bullshit Marvel Divas series. “There’s no reason to criticise. Female fans won’t buy it, and then they’ll stop making it,” he says. This person thinks that the Free Market ideology can stand in for him having a personality. He doesn’t have to like anything, or think about anything, his culture can just be determined by what people buy.
Say what you want to about the Free Market, but one thing that’s absolutely required about it is INFORMED CONSUMERS. Bitching about things we don’t like is what makes the Free Market work. In fact, it makes it work BETTER, because now Marvel can find out if an idea is going to fail horribly BEFORE THEY ACTUALLY MAKE A COMIC BOOK OUT IT. ZOMG!!!
This is basically the same principle as, “You can’t say anything about Eliza Dushku because she’s successful” guy, and fuck him. You know what’s not a god-damn measure of anything? Success in the Free Market.
The Free Market can’t fucking tell the difference between Dark Knight and Transformers 2. The Free Market has given us TWENTY SIX MOVIES featuring Marlon Wayons.
Here’s a crazy thought: maybe people should decide what they think is good before they buy it!
[Plot Element X] Exists, Therefore This Movie Sucks:
To be fair, I only ever met one guy that said this, but he REALLY pissed me off. “Close Encounters sucks because it has flying saucers in it,” was his position, and it made me so furious that I didn’t even know where to begin. Here’s the thing: you can hate anything you want, but if you’ve got some arbitrary rule like, “If it’s got vampires in it, I don’t like it,” or “I won’t watch anything directed by Jim Jarmusch,” then shut the fuck up. You aren’t adding to the conversation, you’re just trying to get attention by being a neurotic jackass.
Everyone’s Entitled to Their Opinion:
No, they fucking aren’t.
This is easy to confuse with “Multiple Valid Interpretations,” which is a good condition. In fact, Erin repeatedly confuses once notably confused my “Multiple Valid Interpretations” argument with “Everyone’s Entitle to Their Opinion,” which is crazy, because clearly I mean that I am entitled to MY opinion (particularly on subjects relating to: swords, Wolverine, the theater), and that maybe Erin is entitled to HIS opinion (I assume on some things), but that doesn’t mean everyone is entitled to their opinions.
Here’s an example: let’s say you think Eliza Dushku is a great actress. Well, you’re fucking wrong. Don’t cry about it, just shut the hell up.
So, that makes me feel better, actually. I feel like I got to express some anger. Anyway, don’t permit any of these people to talk in any kind of public forum. They are bullshit people.