Archive for December, 2009

Before This Year Is Through…

Posted: December 31, 2009 in Threat Quality

Before we close out the year, a couple of unassorted throughts:

1) Way to go, SIR Patrick Stewart. Though, in our hearts, you already were a knight. Siiiiiiigh.

In your honor, this clip:

(Unfortunately, “Look at me! I’ve got girl-boobs!” was too hard to find.)

2) If you were looking at Jennifer’s Body and hoping it would either be a) better than the reviews were hoping for, or at least b) enjoyably bad, you’re kinda boned. What you DO get, is 90 minutes wherein you CANNOT ESCAPE FROM MEGAN FOX. Which, as we all learned during the toxic summer of unavoidable magazine covers and borderline nonsensical interviews, is at least 89 minutes too much. You have been warned.

2A) (On the other hand, I’m growing convinced that there’s no movie that can’t be made at least marginally better with the presence of Adam Brody. Even though he’s playing a wanna-be emo rocker – in one of about a thousand touches that instantly dates this movie – there’s something about the way he sells the line, “Do you know how hard it is to make it as an indie band these days? There are so many of us, and we’re all so cute and it’s like if you don’t get on Letterman or some retarded soundtrack, you’re screwed, okay? Satan is our only hope.” that makes you wish the movie were about him instead.)

3) HAPPY NEW YEARS, EVERYONE. Enjoy the evening, sing the second verse of Auld Lang Syne, and use the power of the internet to immortalize the embarrassing things other party people are doing. But beware! That power can be turned against you. And remember: If you ever get the chance to punch Hitler in the face…

Do it. For America…and for yourself!

- Holland

I have finally seen District 9!

Also, in related and just-as-timely discussion news: You guys hear about that octo-mom lady? Whoa! Crazy.

Anyway, now I understand Chris’s post from August. And, now that I think of it, yeah, I’m with him. This was…ah, shit, okay:

SPOILERS

SO MANY SPOILERS, GUYS

Okay, you’re all still here. Let’s begin, in no particular order. (more…)

Ever wonder what happened after Bing Crosby and David Bowie finished their lovely duet on Christmas? Well, Bowie went home, of course. But what happened after that is a tale never before heard…

UNTIL NOW:

(THE SCENE: David Bowie’s living room. As he enters, the phone rings.)

RING
“Allo?”
“Hello, David.”
“…Uh, yeah, hi. This is David Bowie, yeh. ‘oozis, then?”
“Did you enjoy my piano, David?”
“…”
“Did you enjoy playing my piano, and queuing up my orchestra? David? Was that fun for you?”
“Ah, shit. Ahh, God no…Sir Percival?”
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Chris is on Vacation

Posted: December 28, 2009 in Braak
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After many trials and tribulations, we have arrived in Key West.  I shall spend the next week drinking rum and eating fresh seafood.  Ahhh….uhm.  I guess keep talking about ewoks, or something?  Cool.

A Case for Ewoks

Posted: December 26, 2009 in Braak, crotchety ranting
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This time of year always gets me thinking of Star Wars, and I have no god-damn idea why.  Probably because of how many people talk about the Star Wars Christmas Special and how bad it is, but who knows?  Anyway, if you haven’t seen this 70-minute critique of The Phantom Menace, you should.  Maybe this is also what has me thinking about it.  I think an extensive criticism of this nature is valid because it’s rare that history has given us a literally complete reversal in a film-maker’s work.  Not only was The Phantom Menace a pretty lousy movie, but it’s as though it was antithetically lousy to Star Wars–as though George Lucas said, “Here’s all the things that made Star Wars great.  Let’s see if I can make a great movie by doing the opposite of every single one of them.”  This is a good learning experience.

But, I digress.  Today, I’m here to talk to you about Ewoks.  Ewoks get a lot of shit among Star Wars fans, and there’s a suggestion that they are the worst part of the Star Wars series, that they ruined Return of the Jedi, blah blah blah.  I am going to attempt to make a case for them.

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OK, you have given and received your gifts, you’ve made your family obligations, now it’s time to actually enjoy the holidays.

There are several ways to do this. For my money, I have found “Having the night to yourself on Christmas Eve” to be the most satisfying iteration, since there’s something about playing video games in your underwear while drinking martinis to be just about the best way to ever spend any amount of time.

But I am not most people. So let’s start off simple. Why don’t you tell me what the problem is.

Troubleshooting issue #1: I am entirely too sober.
Solution: If you’re in the eastern PA area, you may be lucky enough to enjoy Pennsylvania Dutch Egg Nog. It is delicious, and will also put you into a shallow coma after three glasses, which is another ideal way to spend the holidays. 

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Happy Christmas Eve Eve…

Posted: December 23, 2009 in Threat Quality

…from your friends at Threat Quality Press.

Watching Inglourious Basterds (and yes, there will be spoilers, but seriously, it’s nothing you haven’t heard before – it involves the treatment of Hitler in the movie, if that gives you any indication), two things struck me:

1)      This may be Quentin Tarantino’s best movie since Pulp Fiction.

2)      God, I hope the people putting together the Captain America movie are paying attention.

Basterds decides there’s no good reason to be faithful to history if it’s just a movie. Now, most movies take liberties with history for the sake of drama (coughPearlHarborcoughretchgag), but Tarantino takes it a step further, by ignoring pesky facts like “Hitler didn’t get shot in the face by a squad of vengeful Jews in a burning movie theater.”

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Moff’s Law

Posted: December 22, 2009 in Threat Quality
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Listen.  Apoplexy is a real condition, and I suffer from it.  It is possible for me to DIE from APOPLECTIC SHOCK.  Okay?  I am not trying to tell you guys to live your lives differently, or anything.  Unless you want my horrible, horrible death on your hands.

As many of you may know, Threat Quality commenter and contributor Moff (called, by some, “Josh Wimmer,” as is the custom of his people), after an epic rant at some idiots on the internet, became the proud father of a New Law.

Those of you who have been paying attention will recognize this Law as one of the Bullshit Positions that I illustrated, here at TQP, some time ago:  specifically, “I Just Wanted to See Some Tits.”  I have known that Moff has been trying to kill me — via apoplexy, my ONE WEAKNESS — for some time now, but the evidence has finally been made manifest.

But I will thwart you Moff “Josh Wimmer” — I can be the better man, you god damn bastard son of a bitch.  I am A GREAT PERSON.  And besides all this, what’s done is done.  Roger god damn Ebert retwitted the thing on the Twitter nets, there’s no going back at this point.

Therefore, by the power vested in me as Co-Chief Editing Something-or-Other of Threat Quality Press and as Emperor of the Moon, I do hereby empower ANYONE WHO READS THIS to enforce the order provided to us by Moff’s Law.  If you ever hear a person who says or writes anything along the lines of “Why can’t you just watch the movie for what it is??? Why can’t you just enjoy it? Why do you have to analyze it???” you are now BY LAW required to tell them to shut the god damn hell up AND, if it is reasonably convenient, to punch them in the gonads.

So let it be written.  So let it be done!

Threat Quality Press is extra-pleased to announce that our actual real live imprint now has A SECOND TITLE AVAILABLE!  TQP contributer Erin L. Snyder’s For Love of Children is a wild, eerie fantasy adventure that draws from a mythology of nursery rhymes and folkloric figures.  It is unlike anything you’ve ever read before!

Is it available in time for Christmas?  No, probably not!  However, among all reasonable, civilized people, the gift-giving holiday extends all the way to Epiphany, which is January 6th, so you’ve still got time to get this excellent and especially seasonal-appropriate gift for your literate loved ones.

Click through to read an excerpt of the novel, in which Santa Claus makes an extra stop on Christmas Eve, 1946.

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