Archive for December, 2009

I’ve seen about eighty different versions of Beowulf at this point, and I’ve got to admit to being puzzled.  I can see that these guys are trying to make good movies, but it’s like they all want to secretly make different movies that aren’t Beowulf, and are kind of just making Beowulf because they’re stuck with it.  Or else, for some reason, we’re beating around the bush of Beowulf, as though maybe audiences aren’t quite ready for Beowulf, or as though we might not appreciate Beowulf.


I Have Now Seen Lost Season 5

Posted: December 18, 2009 in Braak
Tags: , ,

I think this means that I am all caught up, and am bouncing out of my head wanting to talk about it.  I feel like this makes me like those lame people I used to mock at the water cooler (when I worked somewhere that had a water cooler) who were all saying shit like, “What do you think the polar bear means?”

It doesn’t mean anything, it was just a fucking polar bear.  Cope.


I’ve had a long-standing annual tradition to go see a movie on my birthday. Sometimes it’s because it’s an Important Film that nobody else wants to go see (remember Syriana?); sometimes it’s a Bad Film nobody wants to see (last year’s Punisher War Zone).

This year, nothing was really jumping out for my attention – the last film that came out I really did want to see was The Men Who Stare At Goats, which is already out of theaters; the next couple I want to catch – Sherlock Holmes and Up in the Air – haven’t come into them yet.

So I ended up splitting the difference, and choosing the other George Clooney movie out now – The Fantastic Mr. Fox – primarily because it was playing within walking distance.

What a great movie. What an utter joy of a movie. (more…)

Iron Man 2

Posted: December 16, 2009 in Threat Quality



Posted: December 16, 2009 in Threat Quality

Because of this, today’s post is a dramatic reading of Jabberwocky.

If you don’t like it, then you can go to hell.

My mom wanted to talk about Tiger Woods with me.

So you understand my mom a little better, you should know I have the same conversation – the exact, word-for-word same conversation – with her every year at the same time: “No, I haven’t been following ‘American Idol.’ I don’t watch it. I don’t know who wins, because they unvaryingly make music that isn’t up my alley.” EVERY. DAMN. YEAR.

So when my mom asked me what I thought about the Tiger Woods story, I simply asked if he was still golfing, and when this was confirmed, explained that that was enough information for me.

The reason I am not at all outraged – in fact, if there’s any emotion, I suppose it would be “basic, non-committal sympathy” – that Tiger Woods cheated on his wife is that I don’t ever recall Tiger Woods being a huge, outspoken proponent of monogamy. I understand that in theory he would be, hence the getting married, but I’ve never seen a PSA, or heard a speech, or seen Tiger AND HIS WIFE on a box of cereal.

A scandal must have some kind of ironic twist for it to be interesting. Is that too much to ask?


I was all set to try and forgive you for your short-sighted estimates of what parts of the stimulus package constituted “waste,” blaming a poor paradigm for understanding how economics works.  Then I saw items #22 and #26–Shakespearean Festivals and Pig Iron Theater.

You amazing shitheads.


Because we put the work in, and, frankly, I have no idea what else to do with it. The engine of writing things for television is one whose operations are entirely opaque to me.  I asked Jon Rogers what I should do, but he hasn’t been forthcoming (in his defense, he is very busy)–and, as our early adventures in filming have shown (us, not you, because we’ll never show them to you), shooting the thing ourselves isn’t really feasible.

So, shit, at least you guys can get some pleasure out of it.  Comments? Suggestions?  Let’s all participate in the game.

When last we spoke, we’d just gotten a rough outline for the themes we’d expect to see in season 1.


So, what’s in the news today? Let’s power up the ol’ intermachine and find out OH GOD MY EYES NO WHY WHY

Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan dating.” Yeah, just…let that sink in, for a little bit.

I Dreamed a Dream: The Susan Boyle Story”?! COME ON. (Though I will say, I actually do hope this leads to some kind of career, as opposed to some kind of horrible Scottish William Hung situation. Because I am not sure Susan Boyle could take the rejection and have to head back to week after week of karaoke. Not that I have anything against the ancient art of karaoke.)

(And now I’m wondering where William Hung’s TV movie is.)

“Bruce Wayne’s ultimate challenge — Batman vs. history itself!” Just leave it to Grant Morrison to imply that Batman’s always had an unspoken grudge against the whole of human experience. While also promoting that his new series, “The Return of Bruce Wayne” will feature – seriously – Caveman/Viking Batman, Cowboy Batman, and Pirate Batman, among others.

Most adult decision I’ve made this year was not “Move in with girlfriend.” It was, in fact, “Having 300 cable channels is not worth spending $180 a year.” I mean, as important as having the Biography channel available in case I want to watch “Caddyshack – the Inside Story,” more often than not I just end up setting my DVR to record things I only had a vague, passing interest in in the first place to justify having this many channels – which is how I ended up watching the remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still. (This is, however, the only decent reason to watch The Day the Earth Stood Still.)

Something I just now realized about myself, upon gazing at this promo shot of next Christmas’s Tron Legacy and wondering, “will that haircut make Olivia Wilde act any better?”  – I have never seen Tron. Gonna have to fix that. Wait – is Tron actually any good, or is it just One of Those Movies?

Quote of the week:  “I mean, if you don’t want to see a movie with Helen Mirren with a sniper rifle, I’m not sure I want to know you.” – Warren Ellis, on the forthcoming screen adaptation of his “Red” miniseries

Some Old Guys Singing

Posted: December 9, 2009 in Braak
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Jeanine and I went to a concert last night.  I’m not going to say who it was, because it is apparently well-respected, and you only get to be a regular audience member if you’re recommended by someone else.  We got tickets from Jeanine’s godmother and while I’m pretty sure that the 95% old guy audience wouldn’t know the internet from a series of tubes in the ground, I’m still hedging my bets.

We went to a concert where a bunch of old guys were singing holiday songs. It wasn’t very good, so we left at intermission.  I am NOT going to review the concert.  I am instead going to talk about music.