Listen. Apoplexy is a real condition, and I suffer from it. It is possible for me to DIE from APOPLECTIC SHOCK. Okay? I am not trying to tell you guys to live your lives differently, or anything. Unless you want my horrible, horrible death on your hands.
As many of you may know, Threat Quality commenter and contributor Moff (called, by some, “Josh Wimmer,” as is the custom of his people), after an epic rant at some idiots on the internet, became the proud father of a New Law.
Those of you who have been paying attention will recognize this Law as one of the Bullshit Positions that I illustrated, here at TQP, some time ago: specifically, “I Just Wanted to See Some Tits.” I have known that Moff has been trying to kill me — via apoplexy, my ONE WEAKNESS — for some time now, but the evidence has finally been made manifest.
But I will thwart you Moff “Josh Wimmer” — I can be the better man, you god damn bastard son of a bitch. I am A GREAT PERSON. And besides all this, what’s done is done. Roger god damn Ebert retwitted the thing on the Twitter nets, there’s no going back at this point.
Therefore, by the power vested in me as Co-Chief Editing Something-or-Other of Threat Quality Press and as Emperor of the Moon, I do hereby empower ANYONE WHO READS THIS to enforce the order provided to us by Moff’s Law. If you ever hear a person who says or writes anything along the lines of “Why can’t you just watch the movie for what it is??? Why can’t you just enjoy it? Why do you have to analyze it???” you are now BY LAW required to tell them to shut the god damn hell up AND, if it is reasonably convenient, to punch them in the gonads.
So let it be written. So let it be done!