Archive for December, 2009

Watching Inglourious Basterds (and yes, there will be spoilers, but seriously, it’s nothing you haven’t heard before – it involves the treatment of Hitler in the movie, if that gives you any indication), two things struck me:

1)      This may be Quentin Tarantino’s best movie since Pulp Fiction.

2)      God, I hope the people putting together the Captain America movie are paying attention.

Basterds decides there’s no good reason to be faithful to history if it’s just a movie. Now, most movies take liberties with history for the sake of drama (coughPearlHarborcoughretchgag), but Tarantino takes it a step further, by ignoring pesky facts like “Hitler didn’t get shot in the face by a squad of vengeful Jews in a burning movie theater.”

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Moff’s Law

Posted: December 22, 2009 in Threat Quality
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Listen.  Apoplexy is a real condition, and I suffer from it.  It is possible for me to DIE from APOPLECTIC SHOCK.  Okay?  I am not trying to tell you guys to live your lives differently, or anything.  Unless you want my horrible, horrible death on your hands.

As many of you may know, Threat Quality commenter and contributor Moff (called, by some, “Josh Wimmer,” as is the custom of his people), after an epic rant at some idiots on the internet, became the proud father of a New Law.

Those of you who have been paying attention will recognize this Law as one of the Bullshit Positions that I illustrated, here at TQP, some time ago:  specifically, “I Just Wanted to See Some Tits.”  I have known that Moff has been trying to kill me — via apoplexy, my ONE WEAKNESS — for some time now, but the evidence has finally been made manifest.

But I will thwart you Moff “Josh Wimmer” — I can be the better man, you god damn bastard son of a bitch.  I am A GREAT PERSON.  And besides all this, what’s done is done.  Roger god damn Ebert retwitted the thing on the Twitter nets, there’s no going back at this point.

Therefore, by the power vested in me as Co-Chief Editing Something-or-Other of Threat Quality Press and as Emperor of the Moon, I do hereby empower ANYONE WHO READS THIS to enforce the order provided to us by Moff’s Law.  If you ever hear a person who says or writes anything along the lines of “Why can’t you just watch the movie for what it is??? Why can’t you just enjoy it? Why do you have to analyze it???” you are now BY LAW required to tell them to shut the god damn hell up AND, if it is reasonably convenient, to punch them in the gonads.

So let it be written.  So let it be done!

Threat Quality Press is extra-pleased to announce that our actual real live imprint now has A SECOND TITLE AVAILABLE!  TQP contributer Erin L. Snyder’s For Love of Children is a wild, eerie fantasy adventure that draws from a mythology of nursery rhymes and folkloric figures.  It is unlike anything you’ve ever read before!

Is it available in time for Christmas?  No, probably not!  However, among all reasonable, civilized people, the gift-giving holiday extends all the way to Epiphany, which is January 6th, so you’ve still got time to get this excellent and especially seasonal-appropriate gift for your literate loved ones.

Click through to read an excerpt of the novel, in which Santa Claus makes an extra stop on Christmas Eve, 1946.

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I’ve seen about eighty different versions of Beowulf at this point, and I’ve got to admit to being puzzled.  I can see that these guys are trying to make good movies, but it’s like they all want to secretly make different movies that aren’t Beowulf, and are kind of just making Beowulf because they’re stuck with it.  Or else, for some reason, we’re beating around the bush of Beowulf, as though maybe audiences aren’t quite ready for Beowulf, or as though we might not appreciate Beowulf.

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I Have Now Seen Lost Season 5

Posted: December 18, 2009 in Braak
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I think this means that I am all caught up, and am bouncing out of my head wanting to talk about it.  I feel like this makes me like those lame people I used to mock at the water cooler (when I worked somewhere that had a water cooler) who were all saying shit like, “What do you think the polar bear means?”

It doesn’t mean anything, it was just a fucking polar bear.  Cope.

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I’ve had a long-standing annual tradition to go see a movie on my birthday. Sometimes it’s because it’s an Important Film that nobody else wants to go see (remember Syriana?); sometimes it’s a Bad Film nobody wants to see (last year’s Punisher War Zone).

This year, nothing was really jumping out for my attention – the last film that came out I really did want to see was The Men Who Stare At Goats, which is already out of theaters; the next couple I want to catch – Sherlock Holmes and Up in the Air – haven’t come into them yet.

So I ended up splitting the difference, and choosing the other George Clooney movie out now – The Fantastic Mr. Fox – primarily because it was playing within walking distance.

What a great movie. What an utter joy of a movie. (more…)

Iron Man 2

Posted: December 16, 2009 in Threat Quality

Is GO GO GO GO GO!