Archive for March, 2011

Why hasn’t Verizon or Google or someone already paid William Daniels fifteen million dollars to be the voice of all the technology?  Technology in general, but especially technology in your car?

I mean, for real, why did they hire that boring lady to be the voice of Maps instead of WILLIAM DANIELS?

British Superheroes

Posted: March 31, 2011 in Braak
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While searching for a bowler hat (to complement the unbreakable COMBAT UMBRELLA that I am totally getting), I decided that there should be a British superhero called the Civil Servant.  He would be like the Question (i.e., without a face), only he’d have a bowler hat and a pinstripe suit, and would fight with AN INVINCIBLE COMBAT UMBRELLA.  He probably wouldn’t speak, though, he’d be a secondary team member.  Like Snake Eyes, if Snake Eyes were also from a Magritte painting.

I figured he’d be part of a super-team called the Ministry of Justice, but then I discovered that the UK already has a Ministry of Justice.

Which, on the one hand, is cool.  But, on the other hand, kind of creepy, actually.

Maybe you’ve heard of this crazy lady who responded very poorly to a review of her book.  Maybe you haven’t.  If you haven’t, here’s the upshot:  some people are crazy and respond poorly to negative reviews. 


I know, right?


Some time ago, the Guardian, in celebration of something or other, asked a bunch of writers what their ten rules for writing were.  This inspired me to write my own.

Incidentally, one of Jonathan Franzen’s rules is “It’s doubtful that anyone with an internet connection at his workplace is writing good fiction.”  So, fuck you very much, Jonathan Franzen.

These rules are better than his.


Life Is Strange

Posted: March 27, 2011 in Braak

Life is a strange thing because imagine, if you will, that you did a thing as though you felt you were born to it.  Like, literally born to it.  As though you began it when you were in the womb, and you inherited a family tradition of working on it, and you’d been doing this sort of thing since for as long as you can remember.


Poor DC Comics. All it wanted to do was host a discussion thread on who was faster, Superman or Flash. Y’know, like the old days of hanging around comics shops and getting into arguments with fat ugly strangers you’re pretty sure you’re better and smarter than.

But with the helpful veil of anonymity and complete lack of tonal recognition that we like to call the Internet.

And that’s…well, okay, it’s to be totally expected, but it’s still a shame, because if you can’t have THAT never-ending discussion on the DC Comics Message Board, well where the hell CAN you? (Other than back at your local comics shop, but there you have to look at people in the eye, and recognizing an essential human brotherhood might weaken your resolve to hope their transsexual mother dies of cancerAIDS.)  (more…)

I mean, I understand it in the sense that, “A ghost, a vampire, and a werewolf share an apartment, what’s not to understand?” What I don’t understand is why anybody would make it. The original, okay, maybe, but the American remake on SyFy, I don’t know that I get it.

When Zack Snyder made Watchmen, and decided to make it as close to a shot-for-shot adaptation of the comic book as possible, I praised him for it and, I think RIGHTLY SO.

I’m not against rebooting a franchise. I’m not even above rebooting it multiple times, because it means ideally they learned something along the way. Incredible Hulk is a better movie than Hulk, and I’ll bet you Avengers will have a better handle on the character than Incredible Hulk.

And I’ll bet someone could chop up all three Punisher movies and make them into something that’s actually pretty awesome (if, y’know, the lead character’s face changing in every scene might be a little surreal).

Which is why saying the Daredevil sequel won’t be a straight reboot, but will just not so much mention the previous movie, is a little surprising, in an era when it’s easier just to start over.

I’m on record as saying that Daredevil is not…that bad. I mean, certainly it’s not good, no, I can’t make that case. When you watch a movie starring a lawyer and you can’t figure out whether he’s prosecution or defense, we can safely call this one Flawed.  (more…)

1.  Be afraid of something.  This could be something fairly practical, like “losing your job”, but it could also be something hallucinatory, like “Mexicans are going to take over American and impose Shariah Law.”

2.  Be so uncomfortable with the fact that you live in a world of uncertainty that you’ll believe anything, no matter how mind-bogglingly stupid, as long as it gives you some sort of comfort.

3.  Buy gold.

Glenn Beck isn’t saying that the earthquake in Japan was because of radical Islam.  But he isn’t NOT saying it, either.

Glenn Beck is a psychoalchemist.  He makes money by converting fear into anger.  This makes sense, if you think about it; anger must be a higher energy state than fear, so he can glean stuff off the top after the change.