Archive for April, 2011

God bless the apparently cheaper and less FCC-restrictive advertising requirements that allow Trojan to promote their new vibrators on Comedy Central after 11pm. It’s become basically my favorite commercial.

I should explain further.  (more…)

By now, you’ve probably all read, or at least heard about, Ginia Bellafante’s NYT review on Game of Thrones, which points out that this is basically a show for dudes, with some kinky sex action thrown in for the ladies.


Boy was she right!  This was definitely a dudely show!  The only problem with it was that, due to my inferior, testosterone-addled MAN-BRAIN there was a lot that I just didn’t understand.

(more…)

Attention the Internet!

Posted: April 18, 2011 in Braak
Tags: , ,

I have a very terrible job, that fills me with depression and makes me want to set first me, and then everyone else, on fire.  There is only one thing that can save the world from the impending conflagration of my despair:

Vote for me to be one of the voices on the audio version of American Gods.

http://bit.ly/frss5s

It is our world’s only hope.

(You can vote once a day:  vote early, vote often.)

THIS:

Is pretty much the worst thing in the world.

THIS!

is pretty much the best thing in the world.

Adjust your scales accordingly.

[Hey, this is pretty fun:  short story from first-time contributor Xavier McCaffrey.]

Because my name is Xavier, we called her the X-Wife, which seemed funny at the time. But that was before the X-Wife cut out my heart with an X-Acto knife. Maybe I should have seen we¹d be incompatible, her with her X-Box, me with my Wii.  We met at a movie with a mutual friend, ditched him, and immediately commenced an X-rated extravaganza. She went off her antidepressants, saying I was her Xanax now. Spending the rest of our lives together was a present we couldn¹t wait until Xmas to unwrap, so we married a month after we met. For a while, everyone else on earth was a foreigner, and we were xenophobes. Things went along well until the morning I woke up and realized the X-Wife had made a Xerox of herself in the night and left me with the copy. All of a sudden, her eyes were Algebra, and I couldn¹t solve for X. Her maps had changed, and I could no longer find the X marking the spot, much less access her buried treasure. Once she no longer let me flip her on her x-axis, I began to lose interest. Despite all her xxxs and ooos, I was as inert as Xenon. I lost the stick to play her xylophone. Sometimes, she said, she wished I’d been dealt the second x chromosome, not her. I insisted I still loved her, but the X-Wife had x-ray vision and could see right through me. Though her deposition was about as historically accurate as an episode of Xenia the Warrior Princess, I signed my name everywhere her attorney drew his large Xs. She smiled as if her heart were manufactured in a sweatshop in Xian, and I learned the hard way what comes after the X: the why?

A spy’s career is destroyed with paperwork, casting him out into the cold – though ironically, the only place he can go to ground is his home town of Miami. The only people who can help him return to the dangerous life he yearns for are an alcoholic ex-Special Forces retiree, and the spy’s violent-tempered, gunrunning ex-girlfriend. While they take odd jobs that help the spy regain a sense of purpose, hidden cabals are working to corrupt him to suit their own ends.

Every time I remember there’s a show on TV with a premise this solid, my heart kind of breaks that it turns out to be Burn Notice.

On the flip-side, every time the description “After a TV psychic’s wife and child are murdered by a serial killer, the former carnival act/scam artist works with the law to trick murderers into revealing themselves” crosses my mind, I can’t believe The Mentalist is also really enjoyable pretty much every week.

TV: Boy, you never can tell.

Sooo…the villain of the new Superman movie is Zod.

Which means it’s going to be that kind of Superman movie. The one where Superman gets thrown around a lot and constantly told that he’s not one of us and he should rule over us and bla bla bla.

I get the urge to not do Lex Luthor AGAIN. It’s expected at this point – you start up a new Superman movie, it’s easy to assume Luthor will be the Big Bad. But the second most obvious choice is Zod. Which bums me out a little, because despite the short-sighted argument that Superman doesn’t have a lot of good villains – y’know, movie-ready villains, threats that are big-screen enough to make for good action sequences, but not so CGI-heavy as to break the bank – that’s really not true. (more…)