We Need Gruffer iPhone Commercials
So begins iPhone’s new “Celebrities who use Siri on their iPhones are just as annoying as your friends who use it” campaign.
I mean, at least Samuel L. Jackson uses his as a kitchen aid to set a timer, lest he have his date night ruined with the dreaded HOTspacho. In fact, he actually chastises his phone. He’s arguing with his phone because it asked him what time he’d like to set his timer for. That’s a little odd.
Meanwhile, Zooey Deschanel – an actress who I actually don’t mind, I have told people to watch “New Girl” and everything! – uses hers to not look out a window, to order TOMATO SOUP (aka, hotspacho) delivered, and to listen to cutesy music in her cutesy pajamas instead of cleaning up her roomful of ukuleles and books (books, presumably, about unicorns and rainbows).
(I like to think of it as an inside look at Zooey Deschanel’s deteriorating homelife following her divorce. Apparently Deathcab was the one who knew where in the pantry they kept cans of tomato soup.)
Though I would love to see a third commercial (as friend of TQP Adam Landon suggested) where Samuel L. Jackson shows up at Zooey’s house with a bowl of gazpacho.
Anyway, this got me thinking: We need less whimsical iPhone commercials. Cue the gruff actors!
SIRI: Daniel, would you like me to -
DANIEL CRAIG: No.
SIRI: Well…I see you’re about to make -
DANIEL CRAIG: NO.
SIRI: How can I be of -
DANIEL CRAIG: YOU CAN SOD OFF IS WHAT YOU CAN DO.
SIRI: Good morning, Harrison.
HARRISON FORD: It’s MISTER Ford.
SIRI: I see you’re making coffee. Would you like me to search for coffee shops in your area?
[Harrison Ford frowns – well, frowns harder – walks over to the sink, drops his iPhone in, and turns on the garbage disposal.]
EDWARD JAMES OLMOS: Siri, wake up.
SIRI: Oh…oh, hello, Edward. How may I –
EJO: Find me a whiskey distillery that has hookers in it.
SIRI: I’m not…I’m not sure I can –
EJO: I KNOW for a FACT there are three in this state alone. That was a test. Don’t you DICK ME AROUND, Siri.
NICK NOLTE: SIRI, gadghaaahglitzagatdangcofffrackin.
SIRI: I’m not sure I understand.
NICK NOLTE: GAT-DANG HHHORSES, Siri!
SIRI: Powering down.