A Way to Watch ‘Prometheus’ Without Pulling Your Hair Out

Posted: June 13, 2012 in Jeff Holland, reviews, Threat Quality
Tags: , , ,

BWOOOOOOOOOONG

So you may have heard that Prometheus is Not Very Good. But you may have also heard that it is Kind Of Beautiful To Look At, or maybe you heard that Marc Streitenfeld wrote a really nice score.

BWOOOOOOOOOONG

Or you keep hearing that noise. It…it gets in your head. 

I’m not going to get into a whole thing here, because we’ve got some more on that coming up.

But the short version is: nothing anybody does in this movie makes any sense (scientific method, in the future, is apparently “I’m going to stick my hand in it and see what happens”), the aliens’ motivations are pretty hard to parse (which…look, I’m even willing to write that off because they’re alien super god men, so who am I to judge what they do even though it seems pretty baffling and inefficient all around), and even the heroes’ space ship doesn’t quite track (why would you have an escape ship that you have to jettison yourself out to?).

Even complimenting the pacing is a bit loaded, because the pacing is pretty much exactly the same as the first Alien movie. Which is much, much better, just so we’re clear.

Really, just thinking about the whole thing makes you mad the more you do it.

But I think I’m going to try an experiment when it comes out on DVD, which is: turn the sound off, play the score in the CD player, and watch the events unfold as if they’re a nightmare.

It’s not as if there’s much in the way of great dialogue. You’ll miss out on Idris Elba’s laconic drawl, and Michael Fassbender’s deceptively soothing robot-speak. But you don’t have to listen to Noomi Rapace and Dr. Broseph’s freshman dormroom-level philosophizing, so I’d call it a wash.

But by watching it as a nightmare Ridley Scott had, which he then made into a movie, you can wave off every single thing that doesn’t make sense as dream logic (and if you need to know just how much doesn’t make sense, here is a video you should watch).

“You’re outrunning a giant wheel that’s about to crush you. You keep running, and running, but you can’t get away from it – and you can’t turn right or left to get out of its path.”

That shit doesn’t make any logical sense if you saw that in real life. But it really does sound like something you could imagine happening in a nightmare.

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Comments
  1. Jefferson Robbins says:

    I basically know so much about this movie via the Red Letter Media video and other sources that I don’t need to see it. But knowing how ridiculous it sounds, I somehow DO need to see it. You know what I mean?

  2. braak says:

    It’d probably help to get really high.

  3. Dave says:

    Braak, that’s one of the suggestions for cut scenes that would iron-out at least ONE of the script balls-ups. The crap geologist and crap biologist got stoned on crap geologist’s dope. Hence all the giggly “you sure are pretty” comments directed at cobra vagina.

  4. braak says:

    I find it hard to believe that there is an amount of pot that would make a deadly space cobra seem like a good idea.

  5. Jeff Holland says:

    Now that I think of it, the space-snake was like a vagina on top of a penis.

    What the actual hell.

  6. Dave says:

    Braak, people think Sphinx cats are attractive.

    I also disagree with your comments about the soundtrack – it reminded me of an old Trek film at one point. The Alien soundtrack was far, far, superior.

  7. Jeff Holland says:

    Let me be clear here – EVERYTHING about Alien is far superior to this movie.

    I mean, technically everything in a lot of movies is superior to this movie.

  8. Dave says:

    …I found the cast SUBSTANTIALLY more attractive in Prometheus.

    And nobody tried to asphyxiate anyone else with a porn mag… ok, there was the cobra vagina bit. Bad example.

  9. rampancy.project says:

    I’m going to perform a cover of The Beatles’ “Lady Godiva” called “Cobra Vagina,” with lyrics tailored to retarded (F___N’ LOVE ROCKS) Geologists and Archeologists, and dedicate it to Ridley Scott’s new found Jesus freak-ness.

  10. braak says:

    Well, man, this is life. You can do what you want in life.

  11. Jesse says:

    Similarly, I remembered that Ridley Scott isn’t an intellectual filmmaker and decided to think about the plot as if it were written by me in 7th grade: Alien starts life on Earth. Life technology goes bad, makes bad Aliens! Good Aliens fight each other, go to sleep. Humans come to Alien world, fight Bad and good Aliens. Next: Aliens fight Predator!!!

    Then it was a lot easier for me to retroactively enjoy the movie. That doesn’t make it a good movie, mind you, but it made me feel less pained.

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