I am, as we all well know, a person of no particular credentials, of no particular reach, of no particular importance, and so it’s fairly reasonable for me to spend my lunch hour just messing around with words on the internet. I’ve got no obligation to address the news of the day, or to make sure my opinions are good and worthwhile! I’m not even getting paid for this! It’s a nice, relaxing way to think of my own writing — the stakes are very low, because of course none of this particularly matters.
Sometimes I imagine though, what if I was a real columnist? A columnist at something like the Philadelphia Daily News? What if I had a plum role in an industry that was slowly dying, and what if I was widely read and my thoughts were immediately considered by relevant people in my city? How would I, in a world so devoid of interesting news, find something to write about every week?
If you just asked yourself that hypothetical question about what you’d write this week, of all fucking weeks, and then decided soundly that the answer is, “a subliterate regurgitation of a book that came out two years ago by a TV pundit from Alaska that no one has ever heard of about how liberals are mean to conservatives on Facebook,” then you’re probably Philly Daily News columnist Stu Bykofsky.
I’m so sorry, I really am, but please know that at least one person has apparently lived a long and fulfilling life as Stu Bykofsky, he has a job and everything.
You’ve really got to read this thing, it’s extraordinary on a couple different levels.