Mayan Crystal Skull Apocalypse (TQP0012)

Posted: May 19, 2008 in Braak
Tags: , ,

posted by Chris Braak

Last night, I watched a television show on the SciFi Channel about Mayan Crystal Skulls. The Crystal Skulls are a fancy new age phenomenon, and are to be featured in the new Indiana Jones movie, so I guess that SciFi thought it’d be cool if folks wanted to learn about them and their terrible secrets.

Here, wait, let me get a picture.

There we go. Man, I love a good crystal skull. So, anyway, this show, The Mysteries of the Crystal Skulls, was the most amazingly retarded thing I’ve ever seen in my life. This is saying something, because I remember, in my youth, watching specials about Atlantis, and the Chupacabra, and the Tunguska Blast, and none of them were as ridiculous as this.

The SciFi Channel apparently convened a panel of “experts”–four fifty-year-old men with either a) outlandish beards, or b) that kind of gray ponytail that you make when your hairline is receding but you grow the rest of your hair long. They have jobs like, “Author,” “Lecturer,” “Explorer.”

These guys provide commentary while Bill Holdman, Man of Action (you know he’s a man of action because the narrator said so, and then they cut to a scene of Bill Holdman doing karate), chooses locations APPARENTLY AT RANDOM from the life of a South American explorer from the thirties, and tries to find more crystal skulls.

The explanations get gradually more insane. The narrator begins by telling us, “Some scientists don’t believe in the power of the crystal skulls”–cleverly covering their asses in anticipation of the insane delusions they’re about to foist on us–“But all the experts we spoke with believe that the crystal skulls are artifacts of an advanced Mayan civilization, and the general consensus is that there are thirteen crystal skulls…” That’s, “the general consensus” of the experts that they spoke with–not the general consensus of people who know what the fuck they’re talking about.

One of these characters tries to explain the skull. “The theory may sound far-fetched, at first,” he says, and this is misleading, because it implies that the more you hear about it, the LESS far-fetched it will sound, “But the crystal skulls are made from quartz, which is what we make our modern microchips from. Imagine how much information is stored on a microchip–now, think of how much information could be stored in a crystal skull.” Which is crazy, because beaches are made out of quartz, too, and all they store is sand crabs and used heroin needles.

Oh, here’s the guy, Chris Morton. You can’t really see his ponytail in this picture.

I wish that this was outlandish as it gets. But it’s NOT. Somehow, the Crystal Skulls have become the lynchpin upon which crazy men hang their crazy theories.

Here’s how it goes: obviously, the thirteen crystal skulls need to be brought together in order to prevent the Mayan apocalypse in 2012. We know that catastrophe is coming because the Mayans are actually descended from the Atlanteans (you can tell, because their ruined port cities look like old Phoenician port cities), and it was one of the Mayan apocalypses that destroyed Atlantean civilization. But! Atlantis was actually a colony from an alien civilization that was spread throughout the solar system–a civilization that was ALSO destroyed by a terrible cataclysm, leaving only the crystal skulls behind as remnants.

And how do we know all this? One of the experts used to consult for NASA (consult in what field? They don’t say. Skullography, maybe). He believes that CalTech scientists working at Area 51 were able to extract the secrets of the aliens from a robotic head that they FOUND ON THE MOON.

About an hour and fifteen minutes into the show, they do a bit with this little old lady who tells us about the guy that found the first skull: she says he bought it at an auction, which she has the records of. Also, the skull was made in the 19th century, using a diamond rotary saw, which you can tell if you look at it under a scanning electron microscope.

Whatever, old lady. Three minutes of this, and it’s time to get back to Bill Holdman, Man of Action, as he goes scuba diving (maybe there’s another skull underwater!), spelunking (maybe there’s a skull in this cave!), and hacking through the jungles of Belize (maybe there’s a skull in the jungle!).

Lester Holt–the narrator–tries to drive home how important it is that we find the skulls, because only they can prevent the Mayan apocalypse. (Whenever he says “apocalypse,” they cut to scenes of Bad Things–volcanoes, earthquakes, tanks pointing their cannons at things, dead cows covered in flies, etc…) Unfortunately, Bill Holdman, Man of Action, does not find any of the crystal skulls–primarily because of Belize’s stupid laws about digging up archaeological sites without a permit.

I guess this whole thing is just an illustration of how people can believe some dumb shit. Every piece of information that doesn’t involve the words “records” or “scanning electron microscope” is third-hand–from a report that a guy made about an experiment on the skull that someone did at Hewlett-Packard fifty years ago, but it was a secret so there aren’t any other records. Or else, from some mission that NASA undertook in the seventies, but it was also a secret AND the government is trying to hide it, so don’t expect to find any corroboration anywhere.

Also, apparently as long as you say, “according to legends,” you can make any outrageous claims that you want and not have to explain how you know (you don’t even have to say according to which legends, leaving the average layman to believe that “legends” constitute a single, consistent body of information that tells us accurately about Atlantis and the Chupacabra).

What’s the point of all this? I guess just that in thousands of years of human civilization, one thing remains constant: human beings like believing in things that are RETARDED.

  1. ISTV Global Stronghold says:

    And George Lucas was INSISTENT on using this for Indy IV’s plot. So…there you are.

    Still, I think the fifth installment, “Indiana Jones and the Very Convincing Fiji Mermaid” will definitely get it right.

    And the related SciFi special will be AWESOME.


  2. Threat Quality Press says:

    Sadly, in typical Lucas style, it will be followed by “Indiana Jones and the Extremely Plausible Crop Circles of Wiltdown-Bently-Shropshire.”

    It will be Indiana Jones and his grandchildren, and they will discover the secret link between the crop circles, British Parliament, and the Loch Ness Monster.

    There will be a little dance number, such as might occur at a fair with Morris-Dancers.

  3. Mack says:

    I immediately knew that Bill Holdman was a Man of Action from his hat. It was obviously a Man of Action’s hat and I’m pretty sure his hat could take Indiana Jones’ hat.

    Thanks for taking one for the team and watching the entire show.

    I was channel surfing and came upon the scene where someone was explaining how, against all odds, he was able to photograph a skull in such a way as to capture the image of an alien trapped in the skull. Or something. That was all I could take.

  4. Threat Quality Press says:

    Oh, yeah, that guy. He was the head of the Crystal Awareness Institute, and he had *several* pictures of images contained within the skull, which were totally NOT just distortions of things that were on the other side, seriously, they weren’t, they were like holographic history books stored in the skull…

    Dr. Braak wades through the madness so the rest of you don’t have to.

  5. salymander says:

    Oooooooo run with pseudo science, my FAVORITE. Also, your post rocked socks. I laughed my ASS off šŸ˜€

  6. salymander says:

    Erm, that should say FUN with psuedo science. Sorry *hides*

  7. D. Pew says:

    I saw the trailer to this while my son was watching the Indian Jones marketing/reruns, and I knew it was going to be a load of crap.

    By the way, Brian Dunning of Skeptoid fame did an excellent podcast debuking the myths associated on the crystal skulls here:

  8. wmute says:

    Hey, it’s Indiana Jones, not a movie about archaeology.He’s going to destroy the meticulous digs of some real (but “enemy” archaeologist in order to get the prize, and there will be magic and death traps that still manage to reset themselves for the next guy, even thousands of years after they were first set.

    The only thing about this that I find breaks tradition is the introduction of aliens. Still, I’ll watch it and have fun.

  9. Ben says:

    All Things Considered did a piece on this recently. The (real) experts have determined that the technology used to create the skulls dates from the mid nineteenth century.

  10. thechicgeek says:

    There’s a person in my office that is absolutely convinced that the world is going to end in 2012. She’s bat shit insane, but I have to give her some credit for totally ignoring all reasonable assumptions about the near future and just running with it.

  11. cinnarose says:

    I also watched this and I completely agree with you. The “images inside the skull” is also what made me stop watching. It turned into a background noise show while I was doing the laundry after that point.

  12. Tristan says:

    Hmmm… I saw the same show, and it all seems somewhat suspicious. There is always too little proof for all these things. I believe it’s too far fetched to be true.

  13. Dobhran says:

    I do not believe that the crystal sculls have anything to do with the apocalypse. However I believe that I must be prepared to defend myself from the end of days. I have been stockpiling food and supplies at my vacation home in New York. The Mayans were more advanced than we will ever be and anyone who does not believe in the apocalypse should look over their shoulder and see if anyone is behind you.

  14. threatqualitypress says:

    Dobhran: Presently, there is no one behind me.

    And if the Mayans were so smart, how come they couldn’t figure out how to invent wheeled carts, or how not to build all of their buildings on their only arable soil?

    Aside from the fact that their civilization collapsed, what makes you think they were advanced at all?

  15. Dobhran says:

    They had the most advanced calendar. They were able to predict the next lunar eclipse, without any instruments to within .006 of a second forward and backwards a century while we were just getting out of our caves. At the time we could not even figure out how to make a calendar that would stop us from ending up with Christmas ending up in the middle of July!

  16. threatqualitypress says:

    I don’t even know how you can say that they predicted the lunar eclipse to within .006 of a second. I’ve seen the Mayan calendar, and it is not precise to the thousandth of a second. It is precise to the day, which is about how precise you’d expect a calendar to be. And it’s kind of ridiculous to measure the height of the Mayan civilization with the collapse of Classical civilization, and sort of doubly ridiculous to say that the Mayans were advanced because they could predict a lunar eclipse, despite the fact that the Greeks (who predated the Mayans by nearly a thousand years) could build both boats and catapults and knew how to make things with WHEELS ON THEM.

    But, even if you want to say this, this doesn’t say anything about Mayans being more advanced then than we ever will be, because NOWADAYS we can do anything the Mayans could do back then (including predicting lunar eclipses!) AND we can build a hundred mile long nuclear supercollider.

    And, let’s be real: you can say that you’re advanced because you can predict a lunar eclipse a century from now, but you can’t predict the drought that’s coming in a year and is going to gut your civilization? Why wasn’t that marked on the calendar?

    Either the Mayans weren’t as advanced as we think they were, or else they were really advanced in terms of lunar eclipsology, and utter morons when it came to actually preserving their civilization.

  17. Brydude1524 says:

    ok wats up im guessing that sounds cool but i still want to grow up. why couldn’t the mayans put an apacolypse in 50000 illion yeas from now. ant then if this does happen will the world put them together ???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

  18. Mayetze says:

    Ever hear of spell check?

  19. Linda says:

    Let’s not forget in the documentary those ‘giant spiders that guard the cave entrance’. I just laughed and thought ‘what a load of rubbish’ and just shook my head at the apparent robotic skull on the moon and the alien spacecraft shape in the skull. It’s like the morons that come for hundreds of miles to visit a peice of toast with the image of Jesus miraculously burnt into it, why are people so gullible.

  20. Linda says:

    Regarless of the crystal skull’s relevance or if they are genuine, I have noticed that the Mayan Apocalypse story does align somewhat with scripture, whether the year is spot on or not, the timing seems pretty similar, although all the signs are stacking up, it’s hard to say if it will all kick off by 2012.

    If it is true, is there any hope? There is absolutely reason to have hope, because Jesus, in Matthew 24:14, spoke of “this good news.” How could all this be good news, since it all sounds bad? It is because, this sign indicates we are living in a time when God’s Kingdom is very soon to correct all these conditions.

    Jesus told us in Luke 21:28, “as these things start to occur, raise yourselves erect and lift YOUR heads up, because YOUR deliverance is getting near.” Yes, these events are actually indications of better things to come.

    Daniel 2:44 indicates a drastic change on the world scene, when it says,”And in the days of those kings the God of heaven will set up a kingdom that will never be brought to ruin. And the kingdom itself will not be passed on to any other people. It will crush and put an end to all these kingdoms, and it itself will stand to times indefinite.”

    This kingdom that Daniel speaks of is God’s Kingdom. The same kingdom that Jesus taught us to pray for in the “lord’s Prayer” or “Our Father” prayer found at Matthew chapter 6, starting in verse 9. You probably remember hearing that prayer from a very early age. “Our father who art in heaven, halowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, as in heaven, also apon the Earth.”

    Many people say those words, but they do not realize what they are praying for. Think about the words in that prayer. First, Jesus is teaching us to pray for God’s name to be known, and then second, for God’s Kingdom to “come” or exercise authority over the Earth as it is in Heaven. It is God’s will that His Kingdom “come,” so we can be sure that it will happen.

    I think this prediction would make a great next Indiana jones sequel and they could bring back the Ark from his first movie!

  21. braak says:

    @Linda: It seems to me that the kingdom of god is actually a psycho-spiritual condition, existing within the individual–i.e., that it represents the State of Grace to which the Garden of Eden is an allegory, and by the peoples of the world spiritually returning to this Garden of Eden, the external or exoteric kingdoms will necessarily be dissolved.

    The problem I have with using the Bible as a tool for predicting the future is that it’s neither especially accurate or precise–and once you’ve thrown out precision and accuracy, of course it’s no worse at predicting apocalypses than the Mayan calendar.

  22. jonathan says:

    The mayans are correct about the skulls. Just we need the rest. And the temple in the ancient city is a set up for the skulls to project light into a circle.
    showing how we can prevent the Apocalypse. If it is possible we must get 13 priests and one holds each skull. while praying.
    I am a wiccan so i have been studying all of this.

    The skulls can have the reflecting light pointing at an obelisk. but first we need the most expierenced priests. so each government should start a search around china usa south america canada everywhere. Especially the egyptians.
    they cant tell us we are just going to die. we can beat the apocalypse. if they think we cant change this they are idiots!
    The crystal skulls are the main power of this universe!



  23. Linda says:

    @jonathan… we cannot beat the apocolypse, it will happen eventually and that has nothing to do with the mayans or their skulls or any other culture. The simple fact is that our planet is running out of resources, and the damage is done, everything dies. To think that some crystal skulls are the main power of the universe is a bit dense don’t you think? So what god do you beleive in? Don’t you think that if gathering 13 priests together is what’s needed, then your god would have organised it a little better, somehow I don’t think each government is going to listen to a group of wiccan people and send out a search party across the planet – we are not in some hollywood movie. Why would your god need 13 piddly skulls on this little planet to power the universe?. come on now. I don’t mean to sound rude or offend you but this is starting to sound like the Transformers movie with them looking for the Allspark thing. If you think you’re life is going to be spared, it won’t, and somehow when the Almighty finally brings down his hand on this planet for the last time (in order to renew it, cleanse it, wind it back up again, and finally rid it of all that stands against him), I hope your belief in the power of the crystal skulls protects you. Just like in the days of Moses when he found his people worshipping the golden calf instead of God, the earth is going to swallow up the pagans of this generation as well. As for those who stand for God, they will be removed from the earth in a blink of an eye before the great tribulation is complete. So is your pagan god going to help you in this time? No, in fact, your god is leading you into the fires of hell, disguised as nature and energy, you are being deceived, being lured away from the real truth. Jesus is your saviour, ask him to reveal the truth to your heart so that you might be spared the wrath to come.

  24. albert says:

    mi pregunta es si usaron material de la luna para construir las piramides porque la luna parese como si usaron material de ahi imagina por un momento si escaron como en las minas que escaban aqui en la tierra solo imaginate de eso

  25. frank says:

    i was there

  26. Colette says:

    Wow, you people have wayyyy too much time on your hands. As for the “Apocalypse,” look up the word! It merely means the revelation of that which is hidden. Someone took that and twisted it to mean “the end of the world.” Just as people panicked over Y2K (remember that? probably not), humans can get themselves into a lather over just about anything. Sure, the human race may end (though it seems unlikely, since there are 7 freaking BILLION of us and nothing has killed us off so far), but Earth herself will most likely remain even in that dire circumstance. This is a tough planet. Instead of projecting fear or debunking others, it might be a good idea to just focus on ourselves and our own growth (or lack thereof). As for the crystal skulls…what is used to power pretty much every electronic device? QUARTZ. Your computer won’t work without it, your precious iPhone probably won’t either. Crystals have electromagnetic energy just like we do. To say that there is absolutely nothing to the power of crystal skulls is to wear blinders. Even science acknowledges that crystals have energy. Einstein himself stated that EVERYTHING is energy. So sad, to have no faith in anything, to sit around and complain about some badly-done Sci-Fy program. And I’m bored at 4 a.m. so I’m tossing my own two cents in. What a world. *Chuckles.*

  27. braak says:

    Computers don’t run on quartz. Are you sure you’re not thinking of watches?

  28. Dobhran says:

    wow, I commented on this thread 3 years ago lols, and I was trolling šŸ˜›

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