Modern Romance (TQP #0034)

Posted: June 12, 2008 in Jeff Holland
Tags: ,

(Posted By Jeff Holland)

A couple of weeks ago, in a single day, I stumbled across two “Weird News”-style stories regarding people claiming to have sexual relations with things that one cannot, strictly speaking, actually make love to.

The first was about a man who boasted of a long-term romantic relationship with his car. The second discussed a woman swearing she was married to the Berlin Wall.

Now, it would be easy to ridicule these people as being perhaps a bit mentally unbalanced.

Put another way, it would be so, soooo easy to ridicule them as being absolute crackpots. Fun, too.

Put yet a third way, I cannot believe I’m not spending more time making fun of these two.

But this is a place for discourse, dammit, not puerile schoolboy name-calling (“car-humper,” “wall-hag,” and so on). Which meant I had to wait for something to come along and put things into a different perspective for me.

Fortunately I didn’t have to wait too long for a story about lesbian albatrosses to emerge.

This is not the first instance of homosexuality in the animal kingdom (though I still don’t recommend googling it at work). Honestly, it feels like lately we’re hearing about same-sex animal pairings at least twice a year.

(Granted, even in the animal kingdom, there are a few deviant personalities – for instance, the infamous rape-seal, pictured – but don’t interrupt, I’m on a roll.)

We’re only starting to understand that we’re the bullet fired out of the gun called the 21st century. Our ideas about every aspect of our culture and desires have to evolve at a frenetic pace just so we can hope to understand this period in time. And our grasp on sex is no exception. Even the animal kingdom is shifting its idea of what constitutes a valid partner – and in the process, is doing a better job of countering the average backwoods argument of “It just ain’t natural!” than even the most flamboyant gay pride parade could hope to do.

Can we really say it’s not time for the human race, with our far more impressive brains and complex desires, to redefine our very concept of sexuality outside of the plain old, boring-ass, vanilla humanity?

Which is not to say we should listen to the bestiality advocates. Future or not, the definition of a sexual partnership is willing consent, and the average golden retriever can’t really offer that. So for the ethical lover, animals are still off-limits.

But maybe car-humper and wall-hag are on to something. After all, the VW bug and the Berlin Wall can’t really have opinions on who wants to get amorous with them, right? Otherwise, they’d be teases. And if it’s all the same to you, I wouldn’t like to think of the Berlin Wall that way.

As I’ve written about previously, Japan is working like hell on humanoid robots, so how far away are we, really, from human-robot coupling? Maybe car-humper and wall-hag are just early adopters. Forerunners of a sexual revolution the rest of us can’t possibly comprehend at this point.

Or possibly, yes, they’re just absolute bat-shit-grade nutter-butters.

But perhaps that’s for history to decide.

Also, occasionally, the courts.

  1. Anney E. J. Ryan says:

    in a really old interview w. Details magazine, Jim Carrey admitted that as a teenager, he went on a mission to have sex w. every inanimate object in his parents’ house. If that tells you anything about the sanity quotient. First to do it, then to tell the world about it.

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