On Mustard (TQP0116)

Posted: November 14, 2008 in Braak
Tags: , ,

Dear Subway:

What’s the deal?  Why do you keep wanting to put mustard on top of the vegetables when you make my sandwich?  I know you guys have been at this for a while.  The guys that work at my Subway even have special shirts indicating that they want to the University of Subway.

So, while you were getting your PhD’s in Sandwich, didn’t anyone point out to you that when you put the condiments on top of all the vegetables, then they fall out with all the little bits of shredded lettuce you’ve got in there?  Or else squirt all over your face when you try and bite the sandwich?  You have to protect the mustard, man.  Keep it safe and secret in the heart of the subway.

While we’re at it, please stop looking at me like I’m crazy when I ask for extra spinach.  I’m not the one that thinks that five precisely-laid out leaves constitutes a sufficient sandwich topping.



  1. Moff says:

    I know! Condiments belong either directly on the meat or directly on the bread. The only reason they don’t do it is because their stupid fucking workstations are set up with the vegetables before the condiments. Sandwich artists? More like sandwich poseurs.

  2. Hsiang says:

    Why are you going to Subway in the first place? You guys in NYC & Philly are lucky to have real delicatessens that have the Knowing and the Doing of the True Sandwich. Out here in San Francisco (no, we to not abbreviate–some call this place The City but that always seemed even more pretentious) we have glorious burritos and pupusas. But ordering a passable roast beef on rye w/ Russian Dressing? A heartrending exercise in futility. Veitnamese sandwiches are pretty bitchin’ though. Homemade mayo and chopped liver are the usual condiments used, yummm.
    Don’t even get me started on the local interpretation of pizza.

  3. Jeff Holland says:

    One of the most amazing small pleasures of a cross-country roadtrip is seeing the concept of “philly cheese steak” change to the point of unrecognizability the further from PA you get. It’s like a game of Whisper Down the Lane, but with food.

    (For those outside the Philadelphia area: Chopped, thin-sliced steak, sauteed onions, cheez whiz if you’re brave, American if you’re sensible, ketchup, on a long roll.)

  4. threatqualitypress says:


    I live in Philadelphia, but I work in Cherry Hill, New Jersey. It is a suburban strip-mall chain-store hell from my most terrible nightmares, and you are NEVER allowed to make left turns.

  5. V.I.P. Referee says:

    When I do visit “Subway”, I only order the veggie sandwich. They get a little nervous; I can spot their jerk response to layer cheaply. I have to ask for more spinach and onions or there will only be a whisper of vegetables on my sub. Oddly, they’re always trying to douce my subs in oil and vinegar, like the mustard bath you’re talking about. I wonder if they review common combos of respective areas and train workers to respond first with what most people ask for. Some subs automatically come with certain toppings unless you specifiy otherwise. Maybe the store just ordered too much mustard and they have to move the stuff.

    Anyhow, it’s all too clandestine for me—I’d rather not know the underground workings of the “University of Subway”. We should just trust that they know best.

  6. threatqualitypress says:

    @VIP The funny thing about the University of Subway shirts is that, apparently, the University of Subway is in somewhere like Marienburg, Connecticut, so all the shirts are gray and say “USMC” on them.

    For a while I was afraid to criticise their sandwich-making faculties, because I thought that all the employees of my Subway were members of the United States Marine Corps.

  7. katastic says:

    Jesus Christ, braak, quit your whining. Those little mustardy bits of lettuce and pickle and jalapeno are the BEST PART. You finish your sandwich, and then you lick the little mustardy vegetabley amuse-bouche. Your problem is that you have no culture.

  8. threatqualitypress says:

    Yes, that’s my problem. I have no culture because I don’t want to lick up food from my sandwich wrapper after I’ve eaten the sandwich. I am a Philistine.

  9. katastic says:

    Exactly. I am pleased you have seen the light. Licking them from the paper is the best part!!!

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