Michael Phelps

Posted: February 9, 2009 in Threat Quality

Dear Kellogg’s and Subway:

Guys.  I get that you have to raise a hue and a cry when your spokesperson is caught smoking pot.  It is illegal, and you’ve got to show parents and such that you don’t condone illegal activities and whatnot.  You’ve got to defend the family integrity of your brand.

But we’ve got a real opportunity here for a serious discussion in this country:

Who fucking cares?

Really, who REALLY cares that Michael Phelps was smoking pot?  Is there even anyone who still thinks this is a really big deal, or do we all just feel obligated to PRETEND that we think it’s a big deal?  “Oh,” says Subway, “I don’t really care, personally, but I can’t let Kellogg’s think that I don’t really care.”

How much longer are we going to sit in terror of the pernicious moral busybodying of these bogeymen PTA groups?

Look, there are two important things to deal with here:  first of all, parents.  Parents:  your kids probably smoke pot.  They also probably drink and have unprotected sex.  In the game of “preserving their precious innocence until they turn twenty” YOU LOSE.  You have LOST.  You have lost the game.  Get over it.

Now, of the many horrible things your children are doing every time you turn your back, one of them will not cause them to puke themselves into a coma or give them herpes.  You know which one it is?  It’s pot.

Which brings me to point two:  pot doesn’t really do anything except make you stupid.  And, frankly parents, I hate to be the one to break this to you, your kids are ALREADY STUPID.  But at least they aren’t going to get liver cirrohsis or drown in a pool or bring home a new grandbaby a little too early if they’re on pot.  They’re going to do what everyone else does when they’re on pot:  sit around and not get into any more trouble.

We have already legalized things much worse than pot.  We only made pot illegal in the first place because of how much we hate Mexicans.  It is a legacy of those crazy temperance women from the early part of the century–the ones that had horrible names like Grandma Hatchet and Susan B. Pickaxe and went around to bars setting beer kegs on fire.  It is a legacy of domestic terrorists.  It is outdated, pointless, expensive, and we (the people) don’t even have any outrage about it anymore.

For god’s sake, what is wrong with our country if we can’t give a man a bong hit for winning FOURTEEN GOLD MEDALS?

  1. Jeff Holland says:

    I received a forward asking me to boycott Kellogg’s, and I thought, “Yeah, why not?” Then I realized that between Golden Grahams and Cinnamon Toast Crunch, I’m a General Mills man, anyway.

    And clearly, with cereals like that, General Mills is AIMING for the stoner-consumer market.

  2. threatqualitypress says:

    Is General Mills an actual General, or is it like, “Generally, these cereals come from mills?”

  3. Jeff Holland says:

    The mills are general. They cannot get more specific, sadly.

  4. Michael Phelps is an American Hero. He stood tall and made America proud at the Beijing Olympics. This is how America treats its heroes, we forget all of the hard work Michael Phelps did to achieve his task, we forget the pride we felt with the each gold medal, we forget how Phelps helped America to be competitive against a Chinese when they planned on winning all of the gold’s, we forget all of those things and hang a man for smoking a glass water pipe at a college party. It is time that we as a country stand up for the rights of the individual, it’s time we stand together with our neighbors and take collective control of our destinies. Write a congressman or a senator any of them; imagine the weight of millions of emails calling for a change in policy. In this moment in America anything is possible just Google the email address of you’re representative and send him or her short email. It will take 10 minutes but then you have taken responsibility for change. A senator considers each email as representative of 2 thousand voters.

  5. V.I.P. Referee says:

    Can pot make me a better swimmer? Whenever I do the “floppy-stretch-arms-as-far-as-you-can” warm-down laps, I now think; “Would pot help me stretch, by adding more ‘chill factor’ to this scenerio?” What happens when a country tells people “Bad: POT!” and some guy does the stuff, then performs at the top of his events—outperforming other world-class competitors, in the process?

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