Crushing My Spirit Friday, Redux: Yale

Posted: April 3, 2009 in Braak, poetics

Of course I didn’t get into Yale.

They did, at the very least, do me the courtesy of sending an actual letter of rejection to tear up in disgust–WHICH I DID.

But listen up, Yale, pay attention to this.  Especially YOU, James Bundy, Dean of the School of Drama and Artistic Director of the Yale Repertory Theater, and YOU, Paula Vogel, now head of the Playwriting Department (who I met two months ago, and bullshit if you couldn’t have told me you were going to reject me back then):

I will be watching you fuckers.  I will be watching the people who got in this year, and reading their plays, and so help me if their plays aren’t better than mine, or if they’re part of this bullshit idea you have about “the re-emergence of realism in American theater,” or they’re some fucking crap about people coming to terms with their families or about sibling rivalries or about understanding their ethnic heritage…

…and especially, but OH ESPECIALLY, if Zoe fucking Kazan is there, getting a full scholarship that she doesn’t god-damn need for a conservatory program that she ALSO doesn’t fucking need to get an MFA that she REALLY doesn’t need…

So help me, I’m going to drive up to Connecticut and kick each and every one of you in the neck.  Don’t fucking think I won’t.  I’m unemployed–you know what I do all day?  I hang around the house and practice KICKING THINGS.

Before, this was a casual, disorganized practice.

Yesterday, I could kick things or not depending on my mood.

Today?  Today I have committed myself.

I’m sure you feel like you guys have made the right choice.  All I can say is, you’d better fucking hope so.

  1. Jeff Holland says:

    *The opinions and/or promised throat-kickings expressed by Mr. Braak do not reflect the general beliefs of Threat Quality Press, or its parent company The Rand Corporation, a subsidiary of the Scheinhardt Wig Company.

  2. deb says:

    Few playwrights of any value have come out of Yale. In fact, I can’t think of any. Fuck ’em.

  3. Moff says:

    Dude, that sucks, but what will suck worse is if any of the people you mention have Google Alerts set for themselves and read this post and it comes back to haunt you because the theater world is, like so many worlds, smaller than you think.

    I’m a big fan of the 18th-century-style “Paula V——” myself.

  4. V.I.P. Referee says:

    Now, maybe if you’d performed this, they would’ve welcomed you into their sacred, tweed-clad arms with breathless adoration. To hate them, yet crave them! Faust be damned. The glorious suffering of it all. Two questions:

    1. When you say “Today I have committed myself”, what exactly do you mean? You’ve committed yourself to kicking things, I assume…


    2. Do you intend to kick only the aforementioned Yalie elite few (elite enough to be admitted into the Braak Kicking Party) or everyone in CT?

  5. braak says:

    @Moff: Look, Yale takes three people every year, and rejects about fifty more. Something tells me I’ll have more friends if I’m on the Drama School’s bad side.

    @VIP: I am practicing kicking every day, but am inclined to let the ordinary citizens of Connecticut go unharmed.

    Bear in mind, this is all under the condition that the playwrights accepted ahead of me are deficient in some way–I am perfectly capable of acknowledging that someone does better work than I do, when the situation demands it.

  6. Moff says:

    Heh. Yeah, and sorry if that was obnoxious of me. Man, I really am sorry you didn’t get in.

  7. katastic says:

    Zoe Kazan is my pet person to loathe. She gave some interview to the NY Times wherein she claimed that her grandfather’s fame had NOTHING to do with her success, that she EARNED it all on her OWN because of her TALENT.
    Fuck you, Zoe Kazan. You know how many fucking “talented” people your age do not have the opportunities you do because they don’t have the money or the connections? What a fucking obnoxious twit. Here’s the link:

  8. threatqualitypress says:

    I heard an article on NPR about her play–premiering at the Humana Festival (FUCK YOU!)–which is about a family of writers and their relationship with the domineering patriarch and his upcoming biography.

    She insisted it was nothing like her own family, and I don’t know what pisses me off more–the thought that she’s lying about it and getting away with writing another “me coming to terms with my family” crap play, or the thought that she’s telling the truth, and is just adding to the paint-by-numbers “domineering patriarch and sad family” genre.

    At some point, I am going to make a flowchart for “how to write a play in the American Theater.” Maybe I will do it now.

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