Monopoly: Lindsay Lohan Edition

Posted: April 10, 2009 in Jeff Holland, Threat Quality
Tags: ,

I usually manage to bypass celebrity gossip, at most absorbing the covers of Us lohan-1Weekly and silently steaming with rage. But somehow Lindsay Lohan manages to slip into ‘respectable’ entertainment journalism, including TV Guide, which has for some reason begun reporting on what tabloids report on.

But you know what? God bless Lindsay Lohan. There, I said it. God bless her for this:

“Everyone’s turned on me,” she told Us in a series of wide-ranging and sometimes tearful interviews. “I’m a f–king 22-year-old girl who’s in love. I felt like I was in Mean Girls, but worse: Mean Girls was a movie.”

There it is. She felt like she was in that movie she was in – and presumably the experience that taught her how girls in public schools can be mean to each other – except it was worse than that fictional experience, because this wasn’t a movie! This was real life! People are being mean to her…in reality!

But she is just a girl in love – in fucking LOVE, dammit – and she is responding the way any 22-year-old girl who’s just been dumped would: by giving an interview to a popular weekly tabloid.

“I was raised to treat people well, and I’m so tired of this drama.” And as any young woman who’s been raised in a normal, level-headed family environment will tell you, the way to diffuse drama is to complain in a national publication.

Lohan holds a special kind of fascination for me, perhaps because her life could be made into a really entertaining variation on Monopoly:
“Star in critically-praised Mean Girls* – Move two spaces!”
“Uh-oh, burning the candle at both ends acting and singing – lose one turn!”
“Drugs make you so bony and glassy-eyed that middle-aged men don’t want to have sex with you – return to square one!”
“Thanks to bad press, no one will work with you! Go directly to ‘I Know Who Killed Me’**!”

And really, imagine a life where ‘Star in a movie where you’re the one-handed chain-smoking stripper amnesiac twin of yourself’ is not only a career choice, but actually caps off a career that started with a Parent Trap remake. It cannot be easy being Lindsay Lohan.

But people do  love a comeback, and so it was nice to see her lay off the drugs, get into a nice relationship with some girl, and not have any problems for a change.
“At peace with celebrity lifestyle! Collect community chest card!”

Fortunately for tabloids (and people developing bizarre board games), Lindsay Lohan is also not that bright, and so instead of handling a breakup like a normal person might (i.e., a night of Haagen-Daz and whiskey), she handles it like an attention-starved celebrity would – badly and publicly.

monopoly-pmanThere’s a line in “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” about how people who would actively seek out an job as influential and stressful as public office are by definition those least qualified to have it, and I think you can say something similar about celebrities – the people least able to cope with fame and attention are usually the ones most drawn to it.

In other words, the “Monopoly: Jeff Holland Edition” would not be a terribly exciting edition to own. ***
*Full disclosure #1: I did quite enjoy Mean Girls. But I give Tina Fey most of the credit there.
**Full disclosure #2: I think I am, as of this writing, maybe two to three bored weekends away from watching I Know Who Killed Me on Encore.
***I mean, it would be exciting to me, but I imagine I’d have a hard time getting people jazzed about getting a game night together.
****By the way, if you do a Google Image search on “Lindsay Lohan”? Just…just be careful, okay? Safe-search on.

  1. Tad says:

    I’m always up for a board game night (as long as we can play trivial pursuit, too).

    Let’s see, what would some of the cards be for Hollandopoly:

    Buy new pair of red sneakers, pay $15.
    Get caught speeding on 422 again, pay $110.
    Discover you can check out comic books from the public library, collect $150.
    Unable to burn rented NetFlix copy of new Batman movie, pay $20 to buy it legally.

  2. Jeff Holland says:

    Ugh, this is boring. Let’s play Hungry-Hungry Hippo!

  3. V.I.P. Referee says:

    It’s just a hunch, but I think if Braak could release his version of The Bible and you re-fashioned gaming as we know it, U.S. culture would be better appreciated around the world, somehow. Maybe Braak wouldn’t even have to light things on fire.

  4. Jeff Holland says:

    Lighting things on fire is actually a major game strategy for the Chris Braak Scrabble edition.

  5. CHANCE: Caught wearing leggings for the umpteenth time. Go directly to JAIL. Do not pass HYDE. Do not get cast in another movie.

  6. Jaime says:

    I would totally play the Lohan game.

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