Happy Day of the Living Dead

Posted: April 12, 2009 in Threat Quality

As all of you know, today is Easter, a day in which Christians celebrate the terrible majesty of their Undead God.

In thirty-three AD, a criminal madman was sentenced to death by the Roman Governor Pontius Pilate.  Three days after the execution, the man returned from Hell leading an army of the damned, and changing the face of civilization as we know it.  As is custom, every year Christians gather to appease the monstrous undead legions with fresh rabbit carcasses, attempting to sate their terrible hunger in the hopes that they will be spared and live to see the glorious End of Days, when ALL the dead shall rise up and devour the living, and also there will be locusts and plagues and stuff.

Though I am not an adherent to this faith, I feel that it is important to look past sectarian differences and recognize brothers and sisters in terror.

Iä!  Iä!  Iesu Ftahn!

  1. Erin says:

    There are very few claims you make here which are anything but literally true. I don’t recall anything in the Book of Revelation which EXPLICITLY states that the dead will consume the flesh of the living, and the rabbit sacrifice is a slight stretch (but both points are certainly open to interpretation). In addition, contrary to your claim, most Christians hope to be spared the End of Days through the Rapture. It’s really the unbelievers who will face God’s wrath prior to a thousand years of undeath, at the end of which they must choose to either except the Zombie Lord, Jesus, or be cast back into the pits of Hell for eternity.

    Also, you’ve strangely omitted transubstantiation; the consumption of the undead God’s flesh to gain his favor and power over death.

  2. Jeff Holland says:

    Also, how come so many families eat ham for Easter dinner?

    Other than, “because ham is good,” I mean.

  3. threatqualitypress says:

    I think it’s just a way of sticking it to the Jews.

  4. Mary Jones says:

    Small disagreement with Erin; as far as I remember from Catholic School, Catholicism doesn’t believe in the Rapture; apparently it’s too absurd even for them. The whole “end of the world” theme was pretty vague.

    Other than that, all in agreement.

  5. threatqualitypress says:

    @Mary: I believe you are correct. The Rapture is part of that 19th century American-Baptist-Revival theology, I think, and not part of Catholic church doctrine. I will give Erin the benefit of the doubt here, and assume that he knew that, and simply estimates that there are more Baptists than there are Catholics.

  6. Erin says:

    It comes down to this: my statement is completely right because there ARE more Baptists than Catholics.

    No one check that: it’s so true, it completely defies your pitiful fact checking. Just take it on faith.

    Had I been thinking about it, I’d have realized that Catholics (and a lot of other Christians) do not, in fact, believe in the Rapture. But then I’d have had to reconcile that with the fact that transubstantiation is mainly Catholic (and highly appropriate to this discussion), and that would have made my original comment wholly verbose and unreadable.

  7. V.I.P. Referee says:

    Why is there no artwork accompanying this? We need visual orientation.

  8. southwer says:

    oh, bless you for posting this. this really made my day!

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