Varieties of Marriage

Posted: May 3, 2009 in Braak
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In recent days, a pleasantly dimwitted bigot named Carrie Prejean stunned the world by actually answering a question posed to her during the Miss USA pageant.  She revealed a confusing theory regarding what she referred to as “opposite marriage,” something that some people seem to be having trouble with.

Fortunately, because I am a fiend for nomenclature, and because I KNOW ALL THAT IS, I have it within my power to elucidate this issue for you all, as well as to inform you about the many and varied other forms of marriage possible in this world, and in geometrically-dissimilar parallel worlds.

I shall do this.

At once.

Varieties of Marriage:

Opposite Marriage: Technically, whenever two opposites are married.  Miss Prejean probably was referring specifically to

"viperfish" is also the opposite of "kitten"

"viperfish" is also the opposite of "kitten"

heterosexual marriage, something that Republicans rather short-sightedly call “Normal Marriage.”  While it’s true that the penis is the biological opposite of the vagina, and therefore heterosexual marriage is “opposite marriage,” it is not the only kind of opposite marriage possible.  A person married to a deep-sea viperfish, or to a Volvo, would also be in an opposite marriage, as “air-breathing” is the opposite of “water-breathing,” and “person” is the opposite of “something built in Sweden.”

Reverse Marriage: This is what most people think of when they hear “opposite marriage.”  A reverse-marriage is a ceremony in which many of the subjects of individual events are reversed.  The bride wears a tuxedo, the groom wears a white dress; together, they make the priest and the best-man say vows in which they promise to dishonor and disobey each other.  At the end of the ceremony, they eat the bouquet and throw the cake.  Afterwards, everyone goes back and lives with their parents.

Soviet Marriage: Similar to a reverse marriage, except instead of subjects being reversed, subjects and objects are switched.  So, in an American marriage, you might throw the bouquet; in a Soviet marriage, the BOUQUET would throw YOU!  What a country!

Unmarriage: Unmarriage is not simply the dissolution of a marriage, but the creation of a world in which that marriage never existed in the first place.  This is possible in one of three ways:  1)  A deal with Mephisto to save your aged, long suffering-aunt.  2)  Time travel.  3)  A declaration by the Catholic Church.  While the Church still offers the possibility of unmarriage, time-travel unmarriages are relatively rare, due pervasive usage difficulties regarding what will have become the future-past subjunctive tense.

mephisto

Deals with Mephisto, while possible, are generally considered to be retarded publicity stunts.

Anti-Marriage: What Republicans call “Gay Marriage.”  According to God, every one gay marriage cancels out one heterosexual marriage–so, if there were one hundred heterosexual marriages and one hundred gay marriages, technically no one would be married at all.  Moreover, in the ensuing collision the anti-marriages would annihilate the regular marriages, causing the emission of one pair of entangled photons for every marriage.

Traditional Marriage: Also used, somewhat confusingly, by Republicans to mean “Penis and Vagina Opposite Marriage,” a traditional marriage is one for which precedent can be found somewhere in history before about the eleventh century.  Common forms of traditional marriage include:  incest, polygamy, polyandry, pederasty, bestiality, rape, and kidnapping.

Bizarro Marriage: Not altogether different from reverse-marriage, Bizarro Marriages routinely take place on the cube-shaped Bizarro World, where they are ceremonies of mourning and anguish.  Usually, Bizarro Superman will take a vow like, “Me am promise to NOT cherish and NOT obey,” while Bizarro Lois weeps quietly into her veil.  At the end of the ceremony, they eat the cake, but it is poisoned.

bizarro Bizarro gifts are encouraged–these are like regular gifts, only unpleasant for both giver and receiver.  Most Bizarro couples are registered at Bizarro Wal-Mart, and guests are encouraged to pick up housewares made of blue kryptonite.

Ultimarriage: As is written in the Book of Enoch, an apocryphal, apocalyptic Christian text, when the seventh son of a seventh son takes his seventh wife, who herself is the seventh daughter of a seventh daughter, they will be in an ultimarriage.  This is like a regular marriage, except times forty-nine, meaning it will cancel out forty-nine anti-marriages, can only be undone by both the Catholic Church AND Mephisto (alternately:  if the Catholic Church will have went back in time), and will presage the End of Days.  Peculiarly, guests are also expected to bring gifts made of blue kryptonite.

Alchemical Marriage: According to ancient alchemists, it was possible to combine “pure” metals or elements in such a way that they would create even purer, more spiritual elements.  The strongest possible marriage of elements is between white silver and red gold (note:  NOT an opposite marriage, because the opposite of silver is tungsten).  When silver is symbolically wedded to gold, a new element is produced.  That element is green kryptonite, whose terrible radiation can kill Superman.  It is generally considered gauche to bring a green kryptonite gift to a Bizarro wedding (though, strangely, not to a gay wedding).

Shotgun Marriage: When anything except a crossbow is married to a shotgun.  Obviously, a crossbow married to a shotgun would be an opposite marriage.

Redneck Marriage: Any marriage (except for bizarro marriage) where the bride and groom are registered at Wal-Mart.  Alternately, see above.

Plural Marriage: “Marriages.”

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Comments
  1. Anonymous says:

    Mom Blogs – Blogs for Moms…

  2. […] Braak explains opposite marriage and so, so much more: Fortunately, because I am a fiend for nomenclature, and because I KNOW ALL THAT IS, I have it within my power to elucidate this issue for you all, as well as to inform you about the many and varied other forms of marriage possible in this world, and in geometrically-dissimilar parallel worlds. […]

  3. Jefferson Robbins says:

    The logic I learned in preschool defines “opposite marriage” as “divorce.” Or is that just marriage with a takeback?

  4. threatqualitypress says:

    No, “takebacks” are definitely a kind of proto-unmarriage.

    I guess the question is whether “opposite marriage” means “the marriage of opposites” or “the opposite of marriage.”

  5. V.I.P. Referee says:

    …maybe if we had a diagram? Also, if Marty had traveled back in time and married his mother, how would you define that? This all makes me very nervous—pageant teeth are meant for smiling, not talking.

  6. threatqualitypress says:

    Marrying your mother, time travel or no, has ancient historical precedent, so I guess it would count as a traditional marriage.

  7. Jeff Holland says:

    Hmm. If you married your own mother in the past, but came to your present to live in wedded (if constantly questioned) bliss, I believe that would be pan-temporal marriage.

    It would also be a lead-in to an easy joke about marrying a Pizza Hut pizza, but I’m tired now, so I’ll let someone else bother.

  8. Mary Jones says:

    Also, if Marty had traveled back in time and married his mother, how would you define that?

    If you think that’s bad, you should watch Futurama–“All’s Well That’s Roswell”. Cause nothing makes marriage fun like an ontological paradox.

  9. Erin says:

    Braak: Awesome. Just awesome. All I got to say.

  10. Hsiang says:

    This am beautiful. I are in love.
    Will you Para-marry me?

  11. Jeff Holland says:

    @Mary Jones: Fry did indeed do the nasty in the past-y.

  12. threatqualitypress says:

    @Mary Jones: Oh, a lesson in not changing history from Mr. I’m My Own Grandfather.

  13. […] Superman, reviews of movies or books or comic books that are pretty cool (or hilariously bad), and humorous essays on a variety of […]

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