Live like a rhino, not like a cow (?!)

Posted: June 25, 2009 in Jeff Holland, Threat Quality
Tags: ,

Trivia night had been pushed back because of a leadership rhinomotivation seminar called “Rhino Living,” held in our usual spot. So when we were finally allowed to file in, we were privy to the instructional materials. Which were enough for me to come to this conclusion:

Successful people get to be that way because they don’t let nonsense buzz-words like “internal logic” or “situational reasoning” get in the way of their goals.

How else to explain the central question posed by the seminar: “Would you rather be a rhino, or a cow?” (Which has not yet been made into a special on Spike TV, but just wait a few seasons  for the premiere of their sure-hit show, “Nature’s Most Unlikely Grudge-Matches.”)

Says the “Rhino Living” workbook: “In the jungle of life there are two animals: The Cow and The Rhino.”

Hang on. I know you have questions about this premise. Probably a LOT of questions. Just let the workbook do its job:

“Cows stand in the field all day; they eat the grass, enjoy the sunshine and slowly watch life pass them by. The Rhinos on the other hand see opportunities all around them; they charge at goals and have a blast doing it!”

Now, yes, they seem to be making some big assumptions about the rhino’s general state of mind – that it sees “opportunities,” rather than “perceived threats and/or food,” and that it has “a blast” attacking things. Well, okay, maybe. Who can say? Rhino Living can say, that’s who…uh, can. Say. Yeah!

Okay, you may be wondering, “Hey, this sounds kinda ridiculous. For one thing, cows and rhinos don’t exist in the same environments. I’m almost positive I’ve never seen a rhino at any petting zoo, either…”

“Almost positive”? That sounds like wishy-washy cow thinking. Better knock that off if you want to succeed in life (unless your definition of success is to sit around, relaxing and eating your favorite foods).

cow

He may look happy, but he's crying on the inside.

But how do you know if you’re a cow or a rhino? Well, it should be obvious to you (do you have a horn? Then you are a rhino; have you ever been touched by a human being who was not wearing khaki shorts? Probably you’re a cow, then). But just to make things perfectly clear, there is a handy questionnaire.

These are on a scale of one to five, but I suspect many of you rhino-based thinkers are already ahead of the curve and can pick out which answer corresponds to which quadruped:

DO YOU….
Wake up and charge OR Hit snooze?
Charge massively OR Lay in the field?
Enjoy taking punches OR No use trying?
Believe in success OR Believe success is bad?
Give more than you take OR Take more than you give?
Sacrifice for success OR Want it now without effort?

“But, hang on!” I hear some murmurs in the back of the class (as everyone knows, rhinos sit at the front of the class – and not just because it’s hard to see the blackboard with their beady little eyes). “Such black-and-white thinking is just absurd! You can want success but still feel aggressive moves aren’t always the best ones. And also, seriously, why a rhino and a cow? Aren’t there some lazy monkeys the rhino could contend with? What about those slacker birds that sit on their backs?”

Questions like this would rank you as “On the fence.” Meaning, I’ll assume, that you want to be a rhino, but don’t want to look like you’re too good for all your no-goodnik cow buddies.

This booklet of a seminar I did not attend changed my life, I am here to tell you. Before, I thought the best thing in life was relaxation, understanding the world around me, eating a good meal, and yes, sleeping standing up. But now, I want to be a rhino! Knocking shit down, plowing ahead and causing untold damage whether or not a situation calls for it! That’s bullshit anyway. Situations always call for RHINO POWER.

And that’s why I decided to sign the Attitude Commitment at the end of the book, which begins (you can say it with me, I know you rhinos out there already know it by heart):

“The longer I live the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, education, money, circumstances, failures, successes, or what other people think, say or do. It is more important than appearance or skill. It will make or break a company, school, association, or home.”

You lousy cows out there probably read that and thought, “Wait, if attitude is more important than education, how will it make or break a school? I’m so…so confused.”

Freeloading bastards!

Freeloading bastards!

Confused like the natural enemy of the rhino, sounds like (hint: it’s a cow!). But my tough-ass mo-fo rhino brethren saw the important phrase: “Attitude, to me, is more important than facts.”

There you have it, straight from the rhino’s mouth (where there’s some weirdo little bird cleaning his teeth – seriously, where’s the seminar that takes those socialist pinkos down a peg?): the way to succeed is to ignore so-called “facts.” Which, if you jigger the word around a bit, clearly spells “caf…st,” which is practically “calf.”

Which any true rhino would stomp to death, lest it grow to be a formidable opponent.

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Comments
  1. Argyjr says:

    Bravo, my friend.

  2. Amanda says:

    Um, woa. Does anyone else find this occurrance terrifying??? I’m totally thinking of the Ionesco play “Rhinoceros” right now….

  3. Jeff Holland says:

    And that just proves it! “Rhinoceros” was far more successful than Ionesco’s follow-up, “Cow.”

    You never heard of “Cow”? EXACTLY!

  4. Amanda says:

    Wow. Everything suddenly seems so different….

  5. Moff says:

    1) The Attitude Commitment is from a quote by Charles Swindoll my mom printed out on pretty paper and used to have hanging in our bathroom.

    2) I wonder if whoever put this together ordered a packet on Making Money Fast! from an 800 number on late-night TV. I feel like this is the sort of shit those packets tell you to do: “Organize and print your materials. You can often rent a room at a local bar for a very reasonable price. Charge $50 a head.”

    3) That smiling cow is FUCKED-UP SCARY.

  6. Jeff Holland says:

    @moff:
    RE: The smiling cow, I tend to write on a laptop provided to me by my work, so out of deference to them, I keep the Google safe-search on. Just imagine the possibilities for freaky cow stuff if you turn it off!

    RE: Money – according to my friend/trivia DJ Mike (hire him at http://www.2adj.com, he does not disappoint), attendance was 300 at $25 a head.

    Which means, yes, I am now actively developing some kind of Koala vs. Flying Squirrel business philosophy I can easily package and roam the countryside promoting.

  7. braak says:

    Oh, man. The best part of doing seminars about how attitude is more important than facts is that it’s self-selecting for the people who are already going to believe you. After a couple of these seminars, you end up with a core group of people who will continue to give you money NO MATTER WHAT.

    Why? Because they aren’t deterred by the pissy, bovine “fact” of their continued failure! All that matters is that they WANT TO CHARGE THAT FUCKER BAD ENOUGH!

    DO YOU WANT TO BE A RHINO, MOTHERFUCKERS? RHINOS DON’T GIVE A SHIT HOW MUCH THEY SPEND TO BE AWESOME! GIVE ME EIGHTY DOLLARS! WOOOOOO!

  8. Jeff Holland says:

    I am reminded by the episode of “Futurama” with the slogan-spouting Wall-Street-80’s guy: “There are two types of people in this world: Sheep, and Sharks! You don’t want to be a sheep, do you?”

  9. braak says:

    Sharks never look back. Because they don’t have necks.

  10. Jeff Holland says:

    It’s still not quite as inspirational as special guest star Beck:

    “UNLEASH THE POWER OF MENTAL THINKING!”

  11. V.I.P. Referee says:

    Unreal and bloomingly absurd. The previous presidency now makes so much sense to me…if only I’d had the proper attitude-adjustment tools available, I would’ve seen the grander picture. Some of us are just not cut-out to be highly aggressive, easily disoriented, calloused-skin animals that roll in their own filth, with a constant tendency to knock stuff down. Sigh.

    The cow pic killed me.

  12. Jeff Holland says:

    Who wouldn’t want to be a cow (especially the ridiculously happy cow in the picture)? That’s the good life!

    And yet when we call people “cows,” we mean it as an insult. There’s no justice, I tell ya.

  13. Hsiang says:

    Rhino Living= Brink of Extinction.

  14. Dave says:

    Thanks for the Rhino post! Glad you enjoyed the workbook. If you sign up for my free Rhino e-newsletter at RhinoLiving.com, you will get inspiring charging inspiration and information for upcoming events to see the Rhino Living philosophy come to life. You’ll also get info on our free teleseminars! Just by reading your blog–you will totally enjoy!! Thanks for helping us strengthen the Rhino herd and ditch the Cows in the pasture as we move forward to live the life we all were intended to live! Charge!

  15. Jeff Holland says:

    Now, it may seem like Dave either didn’t read, or worse, read and completely missed the tone of this post. But that’s not the case.

    Dave is simply living what he teaches: “Attitude…is more important than facts.”

  16. Argyjr says:

    I love you Holland.

  17. Carl says:

    Hooray for every single word typed on this insane thread. @Amanda: Ionesco is the first thing I went to as well. Although ‘Sharks never look back. Because they don’t have necks’ is better still.

    ‘My only regret…is that I have…boneitis.’

  18. Tony Thomas says:

    Scott Alexander did a good job for this…

  19. Amylea Garcia says:

    Baby Rhinos are called calves (singular – calf). That last line was the only part I disagree with. CHARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

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