Today: Assorted

Posted: July 20, 2009 in Braak
Tags: ,

I don’t have anything to write about today, really, so here’s some assorted things:

1) Happy Moon Day. Today is the anniversary of the day some guys walked on the moon, and that’s great. As many of you know, the moon is my family’s ancient demesne, and I am its exiled emperor. I heartily applaud the nations of the world for their support in helping me send my armies to that lunar sphere, that I might recover it from the moon-Bolsheviks.

2) Only however many years too late, I finally just saw Sideways. Can someone tell me why they made that movie look like it was from the seventies? In any event, it was kind of a boring movie that I didn’t care about at all, but Paul Giamatti is really good.

3) Do you guys get commercials for something called National Tire and Battery? They have these radio commercials on all the time that are the most mind-bogglingly infuriating commercials ever. Just over-emphatic smarmy guys saying the same thing over and over again. “I can get four tires for FREE?” “Four tires, for free!” “Four tires?” “Four OH MY GOD FUCKING SHUT UP.”

Dear NTB: I don’t know who came up with your commercials, but we don’t roll with retarded shit from the fifties any more. Your commercials are so god-damn irritating that I turn the radio off when I hear them. They are so irritating that I turn my face away if I happen to go by your store, for fear of inadvertently reliving them. Do you understand this?

You have created an anti-commercial. You have created an un-advertisement so potent that not only would I not buy tires from you if I had four flats and you had the Swedish Bikini Team giving away ice cream and handjobs across the street, but I won’t even shop at stores NEAR you. I won’t even listen to the ads on the radio after yours. You are like an atomic bomb of unadvertising, leaving a swath of neglected business behind you at every step, poisoning the fertile ground of radio ads for your fellow industries.

Fuck you, National Tire and Battery. Fuck you.

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Comments
  1. katastic says:

    There are so, so many things that can go wrong with the combined offering of handjobs and ice cream.

  2. braak says:

    It is true, it is a volatile combination.

  3. Amanda says:

    I can’t tell you how many commercials I feel EXACTLY the same way about.

  4. richie says:

    katastic: Do you enjoy your ice cream with hot fudge, razor blades, and sprinkles too? My girlfriend always tells me I’m crazy.

  5. Hsiang says:

    Feh. We of the United Selenic Soviet Republic have outgrown your family’s oppressive regime. Should you ever shed your reactionary attitudes, Citizen Braak, we gladly would drop trou and offer you the traditional Lunar greeting.

  6. braak says:

    Your farcical mob-rule government will never last! Without the clear guidance and strong hand of a wise leader, the people lead themselves only to ruin! Nature herself cries out against the madness you have perpetrated!

    Restore my rightful place in the lunar realpolitik, and I will take the moon to a new age of peace and prosperity.

  7. Hsiang says:

    Vile Running Dog Earthworm! Never!!

    Loonies shall always float free.
    Bouncing towards solidarity.
    We shall forever breathe sweet vaccuum
    Free from stinky imperialist smell!
    O Moon, Moon, Moony-Moooon, Moon!
    We think you’re just darn swell!

    *sigh* We really need a better national anthem.

  8. V.I.P. Referee says:

    Sshhh…they’ll stop investing their puny Earth resources in Moon-world expansion if you don’t hush-up and change the subject. Remember: The right kind of advertising, Braak, the right kind…

    Speaking of; ditto on the advertising ear-bleeds: Intentionally grating advertisements drive people away from stores because feeding the monster will only allow it to live longer; meaning, supporting a business following a particularily brutal ad campaign, might result in many more ruined morning drives being shocked awake at the blare of “DISCOUNT FURNITURE–NOW!!!!!”

    Do they think it conjures up a sense of nostalgia? Even my grandfather will switch the station, when one of the local hucksters blares his born-to-be-intrusive honker about some auto or furniture sale, with an:

    “Ugghh…I hate that guy”.

    They’re memorable, no doubt, but not pleasantly memorable. Maybe it’s the modern style of intentional vulgarity in hocker voices? I don’t know—the old-school smoothies of radio would deliver even absurd, over-the-top advertisements in a charming, elegant lilt.

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