Besson’s Lessons

Posted: August 25, 2009 in Threat Quality
Tags: , , ,

Transporter(Please pronounce the title of this post with an exaggerated French accent.)

I like to think even the crappiest Luc Besson-written movies can be improved if you trick yourself into believing that Besson is trying to impart very important (often Euro-centric) lessons to his audience.

Take The Transporter, for instance. Could Jason Statham have performed the death-defying feats required to save himself and his girl without the ever-present charge of Orangina? No! Lesson: Orangina will make you strong like Jason Statham.

Besson’s lessons don’t end with soft drinks, however.

In District 13 (which, if I have my geography right, is four districts and one continent over from District 9), Besson posited that the only people likely to survive if Paris decides it’s easier to wall up crime-ridden neighborhoods are those who are gifted in bounding around its roofs and ladders. Lesson: Learn Parkour before society collapses.

fifth elementWhat about The Fifth Element? I know, it’s not Europe, exactly, so much as what would happen if Eurotrash re-designed the solar system. But it still offers a positive message that in Europe, love is, in fact, the fifth element, and Orange should be dominant in all color schemes. (Some lessons are more applicable than others.)

Unleashed is a far more philosophical Besson movie, pondering the deeply existential question, “If you literally treat a guy like a dog, will that somehow make him into a master martial artist?” The answer might surprise you!

And now, with Taken (available on DVD as of, like, last month, but I just got around to it), he provides us with this valuable lesson for teenage girls looking to tour Europe with friends over a summer: Do Not Go to Europe or You Will Be Kidnapped and Sold into Prostitution within an Hour of Your Plane Landing – Seriously.Taken

(Alternate lesson: If you go to Europe and are pretty, make sure your dad has extensive CIA training. And, ideally, is Liam Neeson.)

(Alternate lesson for rich parents: Embed a tiny GPS tracker in your kids before they go abroad. It will save Liam Neeson a shitload of trouble.)

(Alternate lesson for European kidnappers: If you kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter, expect to get quite the earful from Neeson over the phone.)

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Comments
  1. braak says:

    Most important lesson:

    If you kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter, congratulations, you are dead.

  2. After working with him on “The Fifth Element” and “The Messenger,” Milla Jovovich married Luc Besson. After working with Paul W.S. Anderson on the “Resident Evil” series, Milla Jovovich married Anderson. Lesson: If you want to marry Milla Jovovich, just direct her in something. A cereal commercial, whatever, but preferably something where she kills people.

  3. V.I.P. Referee says:

    Ah, the memories of growing up:

    “Do not go to Europe, ‘Smashing Pumpkins’ shows or local 7-11s because you will be kidnapped there and sold into an international, prostitution ring.” Oh, DAD, puh-lease

    BTW–I’ve always read your entries with an exaggerated french accent (“french” is never capitalized, mon ami—they are too consciously non-chalant and calculatingly modest to go for that sort of US/American–“Oh, look at me! I’m all great! And stup-eed!”–sort of thing). Just for consistency. Liam Neeson, I like; he has the same sort of internal intensity of Ralph Fiennes. There seems to be much going-on “upstairs”. Jason Statham makes me think of a Brit “Vin Diesel”. I won’t get into what that means, but it has much to do with “Orangina”…

    The “Bandage-dress” recently had another run. Practical? Yes? No?…

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