10 Reasons to Love the Gloriously Stupid ‘Resident Evil’ movies

Posted: September 1, 2009 in Threat Quality
Tags: , ,

RE III1) Milla Jovovich. Moving on.

2) It’s Diabolically Superficial. Internal story logic? Character background? Feh! Whatever, nerdlinger! All you need to know is there are zombies, there is a hot woman fighting them, and also there are evil scientists. Seriously. That is ALL YOU NEED TO CONCERN YOUR BRAIN WITH. And not even your whole brain! I have seen all three movies. During the first one, I believe I was a bit stoned. During the second, I was half-asleep. And for the third, I was simply bored enough to pop it on. These are the states of mind that Resident Evil was actually designed for and that is why the default viewing mentality for the Resident Evil movies is always “Eh, I got 90 minutes to kill.” Full, conscious attention is not a friend to these movies.

3) The Adorably Crappy Hardboiled Dialogue, which ranges from “perfunctory” to “…C’mon, really?” Some examples:

– Evil Scientist (and you know his brand of science is evil because he has long, slicked-back blonde hair) says: “We’ll need a sample of her blood. While it’s still warm.” Now, I’m no scientist, but…if you need a sample, does the relative temperature really matter that much? I know you don’t want it to be coagulated or anything, but, as long as it’s still liquid, that’s enough, right? Picky-ass Evil Scientist.

– “Do me a favor,” says dying lead character before heading off to buy the others some time. “When you get down there -”
“Consider it done,” Milla replies.
It took a moment for me to realize dying guy wasn’t going to say something like, “I’m sorry, you think I can finish? I’m only going on a suicide mission here, I’d like to make sure you do something pretty important and I don’t want there to be any confusion.”
I will never get tired of substandard dialogue delivered as earnestly as possible.

RE 24) The Occasional Bits of Intelligence, which are made even more eye-catching because of the overall stupidity. When a zombie attack breaks out, and everyone’s scrambling around and Milla’s pulling the crazy superhuman knife attacks…Ali Larder is calmly, methodically taking nothing but heart and head shots. Because that is where a survival-minded person should have learned where to shoot zombies. It’s shockingly refreshing to see utilitarian logic applied to the fighting.

5) It’s a Zombie Movie That Somehow Allows for Clones and Rubber Monsters. Again, the Paul W.S. Anderson “logic is overrated” method of screenwriting is actually kind of impressive when you think about it. The plot-device that is the “T-virus” does pretty much whatever the script needs it to. It makes zombies, it gives Milla Jovovich telekinetic superpowers, a heavier dose creates super-monsters with shitty CGI tendril-things, and even too much of the ANTI-VIRUS turns people into (rubbery, damn-near-“Dr. Who”-quality) monsters! And if you need to throw some other sci-fi trope into the mix, even though there’s no good reason to in a ZOMBIE MOVIE, well, that’s what the vaguely-evil Umbrella Corporation is for. They’ve got a whole basement devoted to cloning Milla Jovoviches just so they can keep killing her over and over again for…some reason. Something about her genetically altered (and warm! Very important that it’s warm!) blood.

6) The Sheer Irony of a PG-13 Zombie Movie. PG-13 is just a fucking demon, neutering films that might at least be quality sex-and-violence-machines, in order to broaden the audience to include none-too-particular teenage boys. The result: One of the Milla Jovovich clones dies in such a way that she still manages to strategically cover her naughty bits. The sheer effort put into not delivering the things movies like this are good for always cracks me up.

7) Milla Jovovich Again. You might (reasonably) think she is in these movies simply to be pretty and wear interesting clothes (I don’t know why anyone would need to wear stockings and a garter belt in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, but…she makes it work). But over three films, they’ve actually developed a genre rarity – a female “Man With No Name.” She travels alone, appears out of nowhere to help, says little, gives virtually no information on her own background or motivations. When she does talk, it’s in a somewhat shellshocked whisper. She is a post-apocalyptic Clint Eastwood…who wears stockings.
And because she says so little, greater attention is paid to her facial cues. There’s a point where, as she’s walking into certain rubbery-monster doom, the creepy-girl-AI-security-program says, “Alice…good luck.” And Milla gives a priceless expression that easily conveys: “…Really? ‘Good luck’? THAT’S what you’re offering me? What a stupid – okay, sorry, you know what? Whatever, appreciate the thought. Uggghhh.” That’s a lot to deliver in one cocked eyebrow.

8 ) These Unwanted Movies Want You to Know There WILL Be Sequels, By God! I RE 3admire the ballsiness of a barely-successful franchise that’s reviled by critics ending each movie with a scene that insists there’s more to come. The first ends with the announcement of a full-on zombie outbreak; the second tells us that the Umbrella Corp. has hacked into Milla’s brain (or something); and the third…well, the forthcoming Resident Evil: Afterlife had better follow through on its promise of Naked Milla Jovovich Zombie-Fighting Clone Army, is all I’m saying.

9) Again, Logic is Secondary to Awesomeness. Apparently a byproduct of the T-virus release is that all the plant-life and bodies of water dried out worldwide. How could a virus that turns people into zombies also destroy the environment? Because post-apocalyptic stories are cooler in deserts, dur! Did you see Mad Max? Fucking awesome! Did you see Waterworld? Laaaame! This movie rests its case.

Statham10) With Every Passing Milla Jovovich Action Movie, My Dream Comes Closer to Reality. If Milla Jovovich keeps making action movies based solely on the fact that they make her look bad-ass, then one day – one blessed day – there will be a movie starring both Milla AND Jason Statham (I’m picturing some kind of anti-Mr. & Mrs. Smith, where the two are attracted to each other BECAUSE they are relentless killing machines). And then the world will explode in a slow-motion fireball of utter, adrenal, nonsensical awesomeness.

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Comments
  1. cschack says:

    “And then the world will explode in a slow-motion fireball of utter, adrenal, nonsensical awesomeness.”

    Fuck YEAH!

  2. Hsiang says:

    “Verismillaovovichude”

  3. Jeff Holland says:

    Is that the opposite of verisimilitude, or the process by which realism becomes Total Awesomeness?

  4. John Jackson says:

    11) Sienna Guillory.

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