Posted: October 19, 2009 in Threat Quality

Dear states considering secession from the Union:

I know that you don’t like being American, and I’m sorry to hear that, but if you really feel like you want to go, here’s some things to consider:  

First:  Texas doesn’t have anything in its constitution that gives it the right to secede.  Sorry.

Second:  it’s illegal.  I know, I know, the constitution doesn’t prohibit it, which probably makes you think that the “right to secede” is protected by the 10th Amendment.  Here’s why you’re wrong.

No state has the power to deprive its citizens of the federally supported protections of the Bill of Rights.  The federal government protects free speech, for instance, and there’s not a damn thing Virginia can do about it–including LEAVING THE UNION.  If a state secedes, it implicitly discards the federal protections provided by the constitution, and is therefore in violation of federal law.  Even if you kept the Bill of Rights, it wouldn’t matter, because the federal government ALSO can’t let someone else decide who’s going to make what rights count.

Even if a majority of your Virginians decided that they didn’t want federal protection, and that they wanted to secede, they still wouldn’t be allowed to.  Why?  Two reasons.  One:  because the federal government protects your rights whether or not you ask them to.  Two:  because the federal government also has to protect the rights of all the people that DIDN’T vote for secession.  See, you, as a state, cannot vote to deprive SOMEONE ELSE of their protections under the Bill of Rights.  

Using the Declaration of Independence as an example of a “secessionist document” is also extremely stupid because, as I’m sure you’re well aware, the American Revolution WAS illegal under British Law.

So, if you still want to secede, you need to at least admit that it’s because you want to, implicitly or explicitly, piss on the constitution.  Probably you also want to shit on the American flag.  If you’ve changed your mind, hey, it’s not so bad:  remember how much of a pain in the ass everything in the 19th century was?  When you had to get your money changed every time you went to a different state?  When all the rail gauges and canals were different sizes, and there was no national highway system?  When instead of one government interfering in trade, there were, like, TWENTY governments doing that?

  1. Moff says:

    Using the Declaration of Independence as an example of a “secessionist document” is also extremely stupid because, as I’m sure you’re well aware, the American Revolution WAS illegal under British Law.

    Uh, yeah, but it was LEGAL under AMERICAN LAW.

    British law? What are you, some kinda fag?

    USA! USA! USA!

  2. BRAAK says:


  3. Dave says:

    Listen to you colonials getting your knickers in a twist…

  4. Hsiang says:

    Hey Dave, aren’t you Scots doing some seceding of your own?
    I understand there are some differences in the legal codes (love how a defendant cab be found “guilty”, “not guilty”, or “not innocent”). You have your own autonomous parliament as well, right? How’s the movement towards full independence going; is it taken seriously by the citizenry at large or just the crackpot contingent?

    –A Curious & Ignorant Yank

  5. Dave says:

    We’re not quite at the seceding stage yet,. We have our own Parliament and some tax-raising powers, but are far from full independence. The suggestion from those who want a separate Scotland is that we’d be rolling in money due to the oil revenues we could expect (it’d make us the third richest state in Europe, I think), but those figures are slightly murky when you look closely.

    There was a referendum held in 1979, but independence didn’t get enough support then (suggestions were made that the oil would run out within 5 years).

    Now, certainly, I don’t think Scotland would be worse off (unless we went for another Darien scheme, which bankrupted us in the first place – hence the Union), but I think that people in general are a little too unsure of what it could mean for them to demand it too vociferously.

    To address your other point, “Not proven” as a verdict is brilliant – it has no real legal difference compared to “Innocent”, but it certainly sends a message, namely: “We know you did it but we can’t quite make it stick. We’ve got our eye on you, boy.”

  6. braak says:

    Man, I want to go back to Scotland. It is rad. You can eat food made out of boiled sheep’s heart. WHICH IS DELICIOUS.

  7. Hsiang says:

    Thanks for the info, Dave!

  8. Dave says:

    Chris B – You can also eat anything you like deep-fried. Up to and including pizza. The deep-fried Mars bars (I think that’s a Milky Way in the States) is a particularly notorious favourite. That way you get to feel what it’s like to have a boiled sheep’s heart in your chest.

    Chris H – you’re very welcome. Try the deep-fried haggis.

  9. braak says:

    Yes. And, if I recall, literally every store in Edinburgh sells, in addition to their regular products, Scotch. It is impossible to walk more than a block without finding some Scotch.

  10. katastic says:

    I once had vegetarian haggis in Scotland. Which just goes to show you what a phony I am.
    PS SHHHH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? LET them secede.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s