David Spade’s Good For It, Man, Don’t Take His Kneecaps, Man…AAAAAGGGGHHH!

Posted: October 23, 2009 in crotchety ranting, Jeff Holland, Things That Bug Me, Threat Quality
Tags: , , ,

david_spade1Apparently David Spade needs money.

A lot of money. And QUICKLY. I can only assume that he placed a lot of bad bets at the dog track – a LOT of bad bets (never pick a dog named “Lasty” for the win, kids) – and his loan shark is deeply interested in hearing how Spade might squeal when he’s not doing it to be funny.

How else can anyone explain Spade reenacting a scene from Tommy Boy for DirecTV, complete with dead Chris Farley?

Now, I’m not saying I liked or particularly respected Chris Farley. I fucking hated Chris Farley, and everything about his SNL and movie performances that weren’t his bit part in Wayne’s World 2, or the SNL bit where he interviewed Paul McCartney.

But I was under the impression that David Spade DID like Chris Farley. On account of he was the only SNL cast member who remarked on Farley’s death in a human, emotionally conflicted way that implied he had a lot of difficult, hard-to-talk-about feelings on the subject and didn’t necessarily want to share them with tabloids that pushed the issue.

Apparently I had not taken into account the possibility that David Spade’s bookie had already burned through all of Spade’s PCU and “Just Shoot Me” residual checks (damn you, stingy Comedy Central accountants!), and now Spade is in some Real Bad Trouble. And were his many fans there to help him? Like they helped his Dickie Roberts, Former Child Star co-star Dustin Diamond buy his house back?

No. Only DirecTV was there to help. And God bless them for it.

You can’t just blame David Spade for the crass, arguably inhuman levels of money-grubbing that allowed DirecTV to sink its claws into him, though. Craig T. Nelson whored himself out to DirecTV last year, even though it meant starring in a commercial with the little girl from Poltergeist who died 20 years ago. And again, TV Land’s “Coach” money apparently isn’t what it used to be.

But it would probably be just as loathsome to assume that both Spade and Nelson were horrible, degenerate gamblers who sold away their professional souls just to pay off some bad debts, or, I dunno, cover up a dead hooker or something.

So let’s just assume – for the good of our own psyches – that they both (and also Naomi Watts and Charlie Sheen) have ailing grandmothers who need a really, really, really expensive operation, and this was the only way to pay for it.

Which is just one more reason we need healthcare reform.

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Comments
  1. Moff says:

    You are crazy, Holland. Chris Farley was so goddamn funny.

    “ROLLING STONES! ‘STREET FIGHTING MAN’! G-SEVVVOOOON!

  2. Jeff Holland says:

    All right, Dirty Work was pretty hilarious.

  3. The first time I saw one of those commercials — Sigourney Weaver in ‘Aliens’ — my thought shifted from “How are they doing that?” (technically speaking) to “How on earth did they get everyone involved to sign the contracts that made it possible to do that?” There’s an amazing amount of cross-corporate backslapping there, capitalizing on and diluting an existing intellectual property, that makes me long for the monopoly laws that broke up AT&T.

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