Man, Warcraft is Depressing Me

Posted: November 2, 2009 in Threat Quality
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Here I am, running around some crazy demon dimension, and the trolls there say to me, “Hey, these little frog-guys, whose civilization was decimated by demon-monsters, have magic totems that we’d like to study.  Go get some for us.”  And I have to go and kill these little frog guys to get ten totems.  But, not everyone has totems, so I have to kill, like, forty of them in order to do it.

Now, this isn’t like killing murlocs.  I fucking hate murlocs.  EVERYONE fucking hates murlocs.  I could kill all the murlocs in the world, and still not have my murloc-killing urges satisfied.  But this isn’t like that–I don’t even know who these guys are. Some little mutant guys that live in huts?  They have little pet space aliens?

I have a big pile of magic armor, a gun that I made from demon-powered iron I dug up out of the ground, a HELICOPTER that I BUILT.  I have explosives, magic spells, and a pet gorilla that’s twice as big as any of these guys.  And in order to get the ten totems I need, I basically have to just rampage through their village, KILLING EVERYONE.

Some of them are in their little huts, I don’t know what they’re doing in there. Not trying to hurt ME, whatever it is.  They sure as hell aren’t trying to take over the world.  I have to send my giant ape into the huts to beat them to death, so I can steal their holy objects.

I feel fucking terrible about this.  It’s like I’m the troll gestapo, or something. It’s disgusting.  Jesus, they’re paying me SIX GOLD for this.  That’s hardly any gold!  Couldn’t we have just GIVEN them six gold, and bought six magic totems?  Couldn’t we have sent one of our troll shamans in there to learn their magic ways, so he could make the totems himself?  They don’t even give me an OPTION to negotiate.  The only way I can interact with these frog guys is a) shoot them with my magic rifle or b) tell my giant ape to smash them to a pulp.

The quartermasters in my troll village–with its multistory buildings, its bridges in the giant fungus buildings–they’re loaded up with clean water and smoked talbuk venison.  Would it have hurt us to just send a little of the talbuk venison towards the little frog guys?  Maybe get them on our side?  Don’t tell me supplies are running low, because no one rations how much smoked talbuk venison I can buy.

I know the ogres are getting ready to invade from the north, and look, I’m sympathetic to that.  Ogres are bastards.  No one wants to see an ogre invasion.  But did you think that, maybe if we spread a little goodwill around to these frog guys, they’d HELP us fight the ogres?  They live in this weird iridescent swamp, after all, they probably know their way around.  They’d probably be pretty helpful to have on our side.

What the hell am I supposed to do, though?  I need the gold, is the thing.  If I want to be able to learn how to fly in cold weather, and fight the omnipotent daemoniacal power of the Lich King, I’m going to need that gold.  So…I keep on murdering.  Murdering and weeping.

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Comments
  1. wench says:

    I like murlocks. They taste like frogs.

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