What I’ve Learned About Austin So Far

Posted: November 5, 2009 in Threat Quality
Tags: , , ,

I do not travel well. Ten hours of flying (absolutely crushing my inner ear in the process – meaning I was hearing as if underwater for the majority of last evening), and I have no interest in where I’ve arrived, or in anything, really, other than acclimating to my hotel room, and fast food.

I can’t imagine this is all that strange. I’ll get the city under my feet LATER. Right now, gimme something familiar. Find me a Wendy’s. So why is it I have yet to visit a hotel that has a readily accessible fast food joint within a block – which is usually as far as my body can carry me after a long flight?

So thank you, Austin, for killing two birds with one stone – feeding me shitty fast food before I collapse, and delivering a regional fast-food burger I don’t have where I’m from: Whataburger. A burger SO heroic, it shares a logo with Wonder Woman.


(And Weezer. And most of West Virginia.)

Which is not to say it was good. The bacon cheeseburger was aggressively mediocre – which is to say, it was only okay, but it was also Really BIG. And it was made to order. I don’t know how much effort went into re-heating a patty, but they sure put their hearts into it.

One day I will eat at an In-N-Out Burger. Oh yes. Once I find a conference in California I can actually justify going to, I believe I will have taken care of all the major fast food chains.

(Like I said, I’m not a very good traveler.)

  1. V.I.P. Referee says:

    So you have tried a “Jack-in-the-Box” burger, then? And one from “Roy Rogers” or “Sonic’s”? Or are you misrepresenting?

    At least you’re not a vegetarian in Austin. I’ve heard they often don’t make it past grassy knolls in cow country…

  2. Jeff Holland says:

    I knew I missed one – Jack-in-the-Box…son of a bitch! Damn you, round clown head!

    But yes, I grew up with Roy Rogers, to such an extent that anytime I’m on the turnpike, I get excited by the opportunity of a fixin’s bar. (Though I don’t know who has time at a rest-stop to make full use of a Bob’s Big Boy.)

    And the Royersford/Limerick area was lucky enough to get a Sonic this past year, and let me tell you – other than the fact that they tricked people into thinking “eating in cars” was a fun novelty, that joint kicks ass. Fried onion on a burger with sourdough bread? You mad geniuses.

  3. Jeff Holland says:

    Also, Austin is weird (I was here a few years back, so I’m not totally talking out my ass) – it’s like a northern city that got magically transplanted down into the middle of godforsaken Texas, and just made the most of it.

    So there’s a lot of cowboy trappings, yes, but also a lot of standard-city hipsterism you’d find anywhere else. I imagine I could swing a dead cat (standard Texan passtime) and hit at least one vegetarian.

  4. Moff says:

    Cripes, Holland. You picked a terrible day to be in Austin, Texas.

  5. braak says:

    Hahah, yeah, the I have been assuming that the Jersey Turnpike’s contract with Roy Rogers is the only thing keeping them in business.

    ALSO! While there, see if you can purchase some Tito’s Homemade Texas Vodka direct from the source.

  6. V.I.P. Referee says:

    I know, Moff. I had no idea what was going on in Texas today, up until a couple of minutes ago…

  7. Jeff Holland says:

    Why, what’s going on?

    (Opens Google News.)

    OHHHHH! ….Ohhhh.

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