In the Mouth of Coupledom

Posted: November 10, 2009 in Threat Quality
Tags: , ,

Since moving in with my girlfriend, I am learning a lot about “coupledom.” The act of being two people sharing a life. And I think we’re pretty good at it, so far. She clips coupons, I watch seven straight episodes of “The Big Bang Theory.” It works for us.

But Sunday, heading up alone to my grandpa’s 89th birthday party, I was witness to a couple coupledom issues that I had not expected.

The first: buying greeting cards as a team activity. I did not know this was a thing. Megan and I have had to stop and buy a card before a social event. Do you know what it consisted of? “I like that one. Here, have a look. I’m gonna buy it. Yes, I’ll sign your name too.”

Apparently my technique is an aberration, since I watched THREE SEPARATE COUPLES working together at Target to choose cards. Together.  One hipster-turning-yuppie couple read to each other, confirming, “Ha. That one was funny. But yeah, we should look a little further.”

Another woman directed her boyfriend which card to pull from the rack. “That one. No. No, to the right. Further. The one with the cat. The ONE WITH THE CAT. No, the other one. Now pull it down. Okay, what does it say?”

Not a single part of that was exaggerated, I swear.

I get that being in a couple means making decisions together. But…it’s a piece of cardstock that will be thrown out in less than 24 hours. It is not a goddamn peace accord.

Once I got to the family party, I learned the second part: Functioning Adult Relationships are, by and large, a bit dull. This was when I became inordinately interested in the story my teenage cousin was telling her other teenaged cousin about her dating woes. She told it quite hilariously, but oh, the miscommunications, the hurt feelings, the taking of sides, the…the drama!

It took me a second to realize why this was so much fun to listen to: Because 90% of my friends are married now. The sheer rarity of hearing a good, crazy dating/breakup story these days (stories of furniture being bought tend to take up a lot of airtime, though) meant I was deeply engrossed in the soap opera that is the Teenager’s Lovelife.

Man, I wish “The OC” was still on.

  1. V.I.P. Referee says:

    See, this is where you have to start making up fun, creative, fake fights, like “Couldn’t you use pinking shears to cut the coupons? Your straight edges are totally deflecting the surround sound. GAWwwd.” And then she could tie your mouth shut with a paper strand of cut-out men. The possibilities are endless.

    Of course, stability has a novelty all its own. Your teenage cousins are probably idealizing your relationship, wondering: “Why can’t my guy act like that? Why can’t I have that? WHY?!”

    ’cause that model’s had 15 years on yours to work out the quirks, dear.

  2. Carl says:

    Wait, wait. Adult relationships are largely free of miscommunications and hurt feelings and drama? What are Meredith and I DOING WRONG!?

    (Or is it that you’re just in the eye of the storm, Jeff– the relative lull of ‘serious-dating that proceeds the hardcore insanity of matrimoniality’? Perhaps that.)

  3. Jeff Holland says:

    Hmm. Now you got me wondering, Carl.

    And that’s not good for anyone.

  4. braak says:

    Hmmm. My relationships are largely free of hurt feelings, on account of how few feelings I have.

    Also, look at this!

  5. V.I.P. Referee says:

    That’s fantastic, Braak. Wish I lived closer so I could catch it, but I have a feeling it will be making its way toward my neck of the woods, anyway. Well done.

  6. Kate says:

    And here I thought you loved hearing about our furniture shopping!!!!

    PS. Our guest bed gets delivered this weekend!

  7. Jeff Holland says:

    It’s okay, Kate – you’ll get to hear all about my upcoming adventures in pulling a couch up two flights of steps with a rope.

  8. Shane says:

    If you so much as scuff a wall with the couch on the way up the stairs, you’re a dead man.

    Even though she should have went with the sectional that would’ve made it around the corner much easier.

    Still, your fault.

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