Here’s the Problem I Have with Food

Posted: November 11, 2009 in Threat Quality

I don’t think it qualifies as an eating disorder, or anything.  I mean, I’m neurotic about a lot of stuff (diseases, for instance), but it usually never crosses into the field of “disorder”–as in, it doesn’t specifically disrupt my life in any meaningful way.  It just gives me something to bitch about.

My problem with food is one of these things.  On the face of it, I like food.  Food is delicious.  And eating feels good!  Upon closer inspection, food pisses me the fuck off.

I think the primary issue here is that there are no permanent successes with food.  No matter how delicious a meal you make, no matter how long you work on it, no matter how much you eat, IT DOESN’T MATTER.  In three hours, you’ll be hungry again.  You’re never fucking finished with it.

I feel constantly betrayed by this abiding need to eat.  When I’m poor (like always), I cut back on other things that I like, and I can cope with this.  But always, always my body turns on me.  Not even a day has gone by, and I have to start shoveling money down its hideous clutching gullet again.  


That’s the part that really gets to me, the part, I think, that makes it unfair.  You can compromise with your brain.  The rational aspect of the mind recognizes that certain conditions needed to be accepted in order to achieve its long-term goals.  But there’s no fucking compromising with the brainless acid-bag roiling around in under your navel.  It’s just there to dissolve the crap out of things and then moan at you that it hasn’t got more to dissolve.

You think you’re working because you like your job?  Bullshit.  You’re working because your stomach never shuts the hell up.  You could cut your work hours to a third if you didn’t have to feed the shit-machine, BUT YOU DO.  

Stupid fucking food.  Damn it.

  1. Dmart says:

    How about breathing? It’s the exact same problem, but on the scale of a few minutes rather than a few months. If we didn’t have to put up with THAT shit, we’d all be living on the Moon! Plus, air doesn’t even taste good.

  2. Jeff Holland says:

    So not even the food-making process does anything for you?

    Sometimes the chance to dice up some potatoes and fry bacon is the only good reason I can think of to wake up on a weekend.

  3. braak says:

    Breathing, 1) doesn’t cost me anything, and 2) generally happens without requiring my active participation. It’s not like I have to take time out of my day to get all of my breathing done.

    Which is to say, it doesn’t piss me off as much.

  4. Carl says:

    So, wait. The Braakian mind makes rational observations of the body making demands on the mind that the mind would refuse were it not dependent on the body, but the tone of those observations is not at all dispassionate, as you would expect. Instead, we’re most struck by the apparent fury on the part of the mind and the vengeful, belligerent tone adopted towards the body.

    But anger, of course, is the byproduct of chemical reactions occurring in the body, having its source entirely in materiality, and not in the ethereality of the mind. The mind can’t be angry because it doesn’t deal in emotions. SO, we must conclude that this is a tantrum being thrown by the Braakian body against itself. You’re stomach’s pissed off that its perpetually hungry and its projected that anger onto the mind to diffuse all that rage and bile, and keep from consuming itself like Pizza-the-hut in a final, desperate attempt to achieve complete satiation.

    You poor shlub.

  5. braak says:

    That’s probably about right. Or else, we’re inaccurately assuming that the needs of the body are uniform, and that anger that finds its source in biological materiality must necessarily come from the stomach itself. Are there other biological conditions being asserted that are at odds with the stomach’s perpetual need to fulfill itself? Is my brain simply the poor, accidental casualty of a war going on within the body itself?

    I know for certain that most of my own consciousness is just my brain picking fights with itself. I suppose it’s not altogether unreasonable that most of my biology is the same way.

  6. V.I.P. Referee says:

    Oh blah, Braak’s cranking on about his mortality, his not being a god, again

  7. braak says:

    Listen, you: shut up.

  8. V.I.P. Referee says:

    The Braak has spoken.

  9. V.I.P. Referee says:

    Seriously, though, one of the few things autotrophs have on us is their ability to photosynthesize sunlight. Humans can’t have every awesome feature.

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