Tiger Woods and the Ironic Punishment Division

Posted: December 15, 2009 in Jeff Holland, Threat Quality
Tags: , , ,

My mom wanted to talk about Tiger Woods with me.

So you understand my mom a little better, you should know I have the same conversation – the exact, word-for-word same conversation – with her every year at the same time: “No, I haven’t been following ‘American Idol.’ I don’t watch it. I don’t know who wins, because they unvaryingly make music that isn’t up my alley.” EVERY. DAMN. YEAR.

So when my mom asked me what I thought about the Tiger Woods story, I simply asked if he was still golfing, and when this was confirmed, explained that that was enough information for me.

The reason I am not at all outraged – in fact, if there’s any emotion, I suppose it would be “basic, non-committal sympathy” – that Tiger Woods cheated on his wife is that I don’t ever recall Tiger Woods being a huge, outspoken proponent of monogamy. I understand that in theory he would be, hence the getting married, but I’ve never seen a PSA, or heard a speech, or seen Tiger AND HIS WIFE on a box of cereal.

A scandal must have some kind of ironic twist for it to be interesting. Is that too much to ask?

If someone is famous, my outrage is dependent on them getting in trouble for something that’s in some way related to the reason for their fame. This is why politicians who get caught behaving badly actually do piss me off – because their jobs generally revolve around regulating human behavior in some way (this is also why “secretly gay” is that most delicious of outrage-snacks).

So being that Tiger Woods cheating on his wife doesn’t really break the vague, unspoken social contract he has with me – it has not hindered his ability to do the thing that he needs to do to maintain his public image: hit a tiny ball into a hole in the ground with a club on a sunny day.

Now, if the angry, betrayed wife had actually taken a golf club to his…uh…golfin’ arm? (I don’t know, I’ve never been able to stay awake while watching golf for more than five minutes – and based on the fact that this is the same response from people who actually purport to enjoy the game tells me golf is such a popular sport is its ability to more efficiently bring on a Saturday afternoon nap.) Then I would be intrigued.

I need there to be an ironic twist to a celebrity scandal. Otherwise, it’s just a thing that happens to normal people (or “Normies,” as they refer to us). And if I wanted to give a shit about normal people, I wouldn’t be staring, dead-eyed, at the tabloids.

Suggestions for other celebrities, should they become involved in some sort of scandal: Please relate it to your own career somehow. Here are a few suggested headlines to shoot for:

“Hugh Laurie arrested after tipping over a man in a wheelchair.”

“Lady Gaga seen haggling over price at area Wal-Mart.”

“Zach Efron claims Rob Lowe is actually his older self, transported back from an alternate timeline to deliver an important message, but unfortunately time-travel isn’t an exact science and Lowe found himself in Hollywood 20 years too early, and in an intriguing twist, gained both fame and infamy under a whole new guise.” (And before you ask, it’s the first week on the job for the copy editor for this tabloid…she’ll get better, just give her some space to learn.)

“Bill Murray admits to being unironically sad sometimes”

“Bruce Springsteen renounces New Jerseyanism. (Friends claim it was just “a big goof that spun out of control.”)”

“Lance Armstrong accused of cyborg leg implants, multiple testicles.”

  1. Moff says:

    Yeah, but you know he’s not actually golfing anymore, right?

  2. braak says:

    YOU’RE not golfing anymore.

  3. Moff says:

    Whoa—I’ve been zung.

  4. Jeff Holland says:

    Is he not golfing because of the affair? Because if that’s the case I’m intrigued again.

  5. Tad says:

    Well, he’s on an indefinite hiatus from golf. But its basically the offseason, so he wasn’t scheduled to be competing much over the next couple of months anyways (although he did miss his own charity foundation’s tournament the week after the accident). He’ll probably be back before the Masters in April, anyways, so unless he plans on skipping that its not really news.

    Is your view of golf fans entirely based on me sleeping on the couch with golf on the tv? To be fair, that’s probably mostly just me, look at how many other sports, movies, and tv shows that I’ve fallen asleep while watching. I’m just sleepy!

  6. braak says:

    No, that’s how my mom watches golf, too.

  7. Jeff Holland says:

    My dad is an avid follower of golf – which I’m beginning to think is just a code word for “an avid fan of naps.”

  8. Issac Maez says:

    I hope you keep up with posting more great blog posts like this one. I will subscribe to your rss feed to keep up to date.

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