Moff’s Law

Posted: December 22, 2009 in Threat Quality

Listen.  Apoplexy is a real condition, and I suffer from it.  It is possible for me to DIE from APOPLECTIC SHOCK.  Okay?  I am not trying to tell you guys to live your lives differently, or anything.  Unless you want my horrible, horrible death on your hands.

As many of you may know, Threat Quality commenter and contributor Moff (called, by some, “Josh Wimmer,” as is the custom of his people), after an epic rant at some idiots on the internet, became the proud father of a New Law.

Those of you who have been paying attention will recognize this Law as one of the Bullshit Positions that I illustrated, here at TQP, some time ago:  specifically, “I Just Wanted to See Some Tits.”  I have known that Moff has been trying to kill me — via apoplexy, my ONE WEAKNESS — for some time now, but the evidence has finally been made manifest.

But I will thwart you Moff “Josh Wimmer” — I can be the better man, you god damn bastard son of a bitch.  I am A GREAT PERSON.  And besides all this, what’s done is done.  Roger god damn Ebert retwitted the thing on the Twitter nets, there’s no going back at this point.

Therefore, by the power vested in me as Co-Chief Editing Something-or-Other of Threat Quality Press and as Emperor of the Moon, I do hereby empower ANYONE WHO READS THIS to enforce the order provided to us by Moff’s Law.  If you ever hear a person who says or writes anything along the lines of “Why can’t you just watch the movie for what it is??? Why can’t you just enjoy it? Why do you have to analyze it???” you are now BY LAW required to tell them to shut the god damn hell up AND, if it is reasonably convenient, to punch them in the gonads.

So let it be written.  So let it be done!

  1. V.I.P. Referee says:

    Assume posture one of the follower’s code: “Cower and grovel”.

  2. Jeff Holland says:

    …Roger Ebert’s on Twitter?


  3. I’m sorry about the apoplexy. He just showed up with this Law written on golden tablets and encircled by rings of fire. What’s a brother gonna do?

  4. Moff says:

    Dude, someday this will be the stuff of early-21st-century legend, and scholars will be all, “Actually, the so-called ‘Moff’s law’ was merely a reiteration of the ideas of another io9 commenter, the author and playwright Chris Braak,” and feuds will be fought over this shit, man, feuds.

    Or it will all blow over by tomorrow.

  5. @Moff: Does this end the way the “Marlowe wrote Shakespeare” thing did, with Braak getting stabbed in the head? If so, drama!

  6. katastic says:

    …do you guys really have to analyze this? CAN’T YOU JUST ENJOY MOFF’S LAW FOR WHAT IT IS?
    /wah wah

  7. braak says:

    You know that everyone who reads that comment is now required, BY LAW, to punch you in the gonads, right?

  8. Fuchsia says:

    Ok. So what if the person in question is not in possession of gonads. As is the case for, you know, about 51% of the world’s population.

    What then?

  9. braak says:

    Technically speaking, “gonads” refers to any organ that makes gamete cells–meaning both sperm and egg cells; men are required to be punched in the testicles, women are required to be punched in the ovaries.

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