It’s Just Not Fair

Posted: January 14, 2010 in Jeff Holland, Threat Quality
Tags: , , ,

A mere several MONTHS after saying, “I should really think about buying a new car,” (and by “thinking,” I apparently meant “daydreaming while flipping through a Consumer Reports my mom lent me) my car is in the shop AGAIN, leading to a potential hefty-priced repair. Meaning…I don’t have any money to screw around with these days.

So it’s just my luck that this happens in January – when all the crappiest, awesomest movies see their brief lives start in the theaters. Unfortunately, movies now cost about $11 a pop, and if you were thinking “Well, what about matinees?” I am here to tell you matinees are now defined as “movies that run between 11 AM and 3 PM.” So…you gotta show some hustle if you want to save $2.50 to justify catching a bad movie.

Here are the two I want to see, why I want to see them, and why it’s probably a terrible idea:

Book of Eli:
Why I want to see it: Well…those 30 seconds in the commercial certainly LOOK pretty badass, right? At the very least, it looks a little less depressing than The Road. And, I don’t know if you knew this, but Mr. Tom Waits is in it (there are two roles Tom Waits is ideally suited for: The Devil,  and Guy After the Apocalypse. And this winter, he has banged them both out).
Why that’s a terrible idea: “I’ve been walking for 30 winters now.” This is a practically unforgivably pretentious line. It sounds epic and hardass, until you wonder exactly what tough ol’ Eli was doing during the Spring, Summer and Fall months. Unless, of course, there is ONLY winter after the apocalypse, but if that’s the case, we would still call them years just to keep everything clear. Anyhow, writing like this just activates my spidey-sense.

Legion:
Why I want to see it: It’s about killer angels, man! (Case in point: The Prophecy.)
Why that’s a terrible idea: It’s about killer angels, man. (Case in point: The Prophecy II, III, IV, and V, and, if we’re being totally honest here, Constantine – which, it should be pointed out, came out in February, which is the only time movies like this SHOULD come out.)

But sadly, I think we all know what has finally broken past my defenses, that I think I should probably subject myself to:

Avatar:
Why I want to see it: There is something about the spectacle of “The World’s Most Impressive 3-D Movie Ever” that I shouldn’t short-change. After all, I’ve seen the World’s Biggest Ball of Twine, and I am not even kidding a little when I say that was a life-altering experience. Surely Avatar can at least try to reach those standards.
Why that’s a terrible idea: Well. I think that’s been well-covered by now, right? But, for starters: Unobtainium.
The upshot: You know damn well it’ll be fodder for a post, at least.

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Comments
  1. Jeff Holland says:

    Damn, I should’ve titled this “Armageddon-outta here!”

    Oh well.

  2. Tad says:

    there’s still time, Holland Can Fix It!

    As long as “It” is something writing/blog-related and not anything in real life, in which case you’d obviously need Dan…

  3. V.I.P. Referee says:

    It’s very cool that you’ve seen “The World’s Biggest Ball of Twine”. Few people will ever have that opportunity, you know.

    The “Book of Eli” trailer caught my eye, too. If the film isn’t something different, at least the advertising seems to be…

  4. Carl says:

    Just to be clear, does that mean you are NOT recommending that I have a look at THE ROAD? I’d been considering having myself a look.

  5. Jeff Holland says:

    Please note: This is in no way a NON-endorsement of “The Road.”

    I only know that if you go to “The Road” expecting any kind of sword-fighting, or the long-missed presence of Crazy Gary Oldman, then you will most surely be disappointed.

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