Let’s All Pick On John Mayer

Posted: February 12, 2010 in Jeff Holland, Threat Quality
Tags: , , ,

If I had it all to do over again, I think I would have stayed in school and become some kind of linguistic scholar. One

Okay, pictures like this are not really helping the case, John.

with a very specific discipline: I would work on developing newer, stronger insulting terms.

Because after reading John Mayer’s recent Playboy interview, I wish I could more authoritatively say that with each and every answer he gave, John Mayer reduced the power of the term douchebag, necessitating a more powerful insult.

It had been my impression that if you needed to make the term more iron-clad, you simply preface it with “complete and utter.” He is a “complete and utter douchebag.” That would mean, “It is not possible, given the known laws of the universe, for him to be more of a douchebag.” But even “complete and utter” do not do the heavy lifting required to call John Mayer what he needs to be called.

This was a particularly fascinating interview, because the common interviewing thread seemed to be, “How does it feel to be widely considered a douchebag?” And Mayer responded in kind. In fact, he responded in such a way that I’m not 100% convinced it wasn’t some kind of bizarre performance piece – that he was trying to rob the word “douchebag” of its power by simply overwhelming it (how Lenny Bruce!). By overstuffing its own definition to the point that it exploded (sorry for the visual, but you get my point here).

But the fact that he later, somewhat tearfully, apologized for the interview at a concert tells us he has learned a lesson about trying to be clever in an interview where the lead topic was clearly,  “How come people think you’re a douchebag?”

While my initial intent was to simply pick out a few Douchebag Greatest Hits, going through the piece, I was astonished to find that literally every answer Mayer gave was like an ode to douchebaggery.

That’s actually what the interview reads as: John Mayer’s Epic Douchebag Poem. (Which, to his credit, is still better than all of his songs – except “City Love,” I kinda like that one. THAT IS NOT THE POINT!)

So I’ve narrowed it down to seven choice moments, and afterward you can start coming up with your own terms for douchebaggery in a post-John-Mayer world (to get things started: “maxi-douche,” “douchelplex,” and “dodecadouchetron”).

“If I was playing it so I could meet hot chicks, I’ve met hot chicks, quote unquote. If I was playing it to make a ton of money, I’ve made a ton of money. If I was playing it to be well-known, I am well-known. Once you put aside girls and money, it forces you to realign your motivation for being a musician. Now I’m not a have-not but a have. Which is interesting, because music has to come from a have-not sort of place. And there are many places where I have-not.”

During sex, I’m just going to run a filmstrip. I’m still masturbating. That’s what you do when you’re 30, 31, 32. This is my problem now: Rather than meet somebody new, I would rather go home and replay the amazing experiences I’ve already had.
(That’s right ladies: While John Mayer is fucking you? He would much rather be jerking off to an old girlfriend – who is totally not Jennifer Aniston, because he RESPECTS her too much, sweetheart.)

With Twitter, I can show my real voice. Here’s me thinking about stuff: “Wouldn’t it be cool if you could download food?”
(HAHAHAHA oh John Mayer, you so crazy.)

PLAYBOY: You have a level of self-consciousness that seems like it could be exhausting.
MAYER: Maybe that’s the douche bag part of it. Maybe I’m so meta-aware that it’s off-putting to people.

(See? No one is more aware of John Mayer than John Mayer. So why John Mayer still insists on talking with his mouth is nobody’s business but John Mayer’s.)

(Okay, this is a long one, but…it may be the crown jewel – and also the reason he weepily apologized and explained that his black backup singers really did like him as a person – yes, even his apology was startlingly douchey.)
If you didn’t know you, would you think you’re a douche bag?
MAYER: It depends on what I picked up. My two biggest hits are “Your Body Is a Wonderland” and “Daughters.” If you think those songs are pandering, then you’ll think I’m a douche bag. It’s like I come on very strong. I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me.
Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’” What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s.

I want to be with myself, still, and lie in bed only with the infinite unknown. That’s 32, man.
(I’m only 30, so I don’t actually understand what any of this means.)

People are lining up around the block right now to watch me play music tonight. If some kid called me a douche bag on his terrible blog, I don’t really care.
(Whew! That’s good to know, that he’s keeping it all in perspective like this. I hope I’m that wise when I’m 32.)

And, should Mr. Mayer get a wild hair up his ass and start answering each and every blog that makes fun of him for this incredibly wrong-headed interview, I offer this word of advice: JUST STOP GIVING INTERVIEWS. That seems to be where all the trouble starts.

  1. braak says:

    I nominate cuntsquirt.

  2. MKP says:

    That is such an insult to the totally inoffensive female orgasmic liquid, Braak.

    He’s an ass-douche-nozzle repository, where all the ass-douche-nozzles go to be recycled and turned into entirely new ass-douche-nozzles. Self-renewing! At least he’s good for the environment, like manure.

  3. braak says:

    I know, but look at the phonetic value. All those k’s and t’s.

    What about smegmaniac?

  4. Lisa says:

    I’m a huge fan of douchenozzle. The part that gets up into the nastiness. But I like assdouchnozzlery recpository even better! Kudos MKP.

  5. Jeff Holland says:

    Let us not forget the “tard” family – I think fucktard doesn’t get nearly enough play.

  6. V.I.P. Referee says:

    Hahahaha, oh, Johnny Mayer. Full disclosure: I can’t stand this guy. I never knew what it was that prompted such contempt–I mean, don’t know him personally, right? How can I hold his whiny, mealy, moany music against him? Who cares if his “major hits” were about totally powerless females that he could dump his machismo-laden philosophies on?

    But now, I see the light of self-discovery. It’s not just his “oh, my eyes are too precious for sun without shades” photo-op, eye squint that bothers me. Nor his arrogant “arm-candy of the hour” attitude to the ladyeez. It’s that whenever he opens his mouth, it’s like a damned clowncar of narcissim unloads and you’re left wondering, how the hell did a person turn-out like this? Does he mean to be a caricature of himself? Or is he some sort of innocent enfant, deserving of pity for his perfect cluelessness? The guy thinks of himself during sex, for flake’s sake–and not in a, like, “oh, that’s a pleasant bodily sensation!” kind of way, but an “ugh, I could totally be alone with my hand, right now. Oh, well. Duty calls, biatches. Can’t keep the beauty of Meyer-Meister from the hungry She-ras” kind of way. About halfway down the read, the script of “Zoolander” began emerging in my head and I was half waiting to read:

    “Look, I gotta go pee, but I’d really like to continue talking about this conversation when I come back.”

    Yes, Meyer. We get it. You’re deep. “Deep” like a deep-space vaccuum.

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