Survivor: Lost Edition

Posted: February 19, 2010 in Braak, Teh Goofy
Tags: , ,

In the interests of Network synergy, ABC and CBS are combining their two most popular shows into one, EVEN MORE POPULAR SHOW.  Survivor:  Lost.

There will be some key differences between this show and a regular episode of Lost.

1.  The Survivors will not be informed that they will be participating on the show.  They will all be contacted separately and informed that they will be going on a second “audition”, put on the same plane, and then the plane will be crashed onto Vanuatu.  Some passengers on the plane will NOT be contestants on the show.  These people will be killed.

2.  Day One:  Find shelter, food, fresh water.  The water will be guarded by wild boars.  At night, the cameramen will come out of hiding and tear down the shelters, sowing discord between the survivors.  While they sleep, one of the survivors will be painted blue.

3.  Day Two:  First challenge:  the bodies of the dead passengers must be buried.  Whoever succeeds in digging the most graves, quickly enough, will have immunity.

4.  Day Three:  Second challenge:  the Survivors must hike to a spot in the woods where there are old plane parts, from which they can build a radio.  Whoever is last in line when the group arrives will be killed.  The radio will only receive transmissions from 1978 broadcasts of A Prairie Home Companion. The survivor that correctly identifies the house pianist from the show will be given immunity.

5.  Day Four:  Third challenge:  Backgammon tournament.

6.  Day Five:  Group Challenge:  The Survivors will be taken to a button in the woods that needs to be pressed every hour and a half.  They must decide whether to keep pressing it or not.  They will not be informed that, regardless of their decision, one survivor will be randomly chosen to receive immunity, one will be immediately taken from the island, one will be required to run naked through the woods, and one will be killed.

7.  Day Six:  Event:  One of the Survivors will be a plant, pretending to be a pregnant girl.  She will seem to go into labor.  After twelve hours, the Survivors will discover that she is Morena Baccarin, and her baby will be a hideous half-lizard hybrid.

8.  Day Seven:  Fourth Challenge:  All of the food is eaten by boars.

9.  Day Eight:  Fifth Challenge:  The boars are eaten by polar bears.

10.  Day Nine:  Sixth Challenge:  One of the Survivors is eaten by polar bears.

11.  Day Ten:  Group Challenge:  There is a cave.  Two men stand outside of the cave.  One is a vampire, the other is a Wolf-Man.  But they are in disguise, so they just look like regular people.  Vampires will always lie, except about questions regarding Polar Bears or Gladys Knight and the Pips.  Wolf-Men sometimes lie, but can be bribed with boar-meat.  There is no way to tell which is which.  In the cave are two goblets of wine, one of which is poisoned with iocaine powder.  The Survivors must ask only three questions of the vampire or wolf-man, and then decide which goblet to drink from.  Whoever drinks the poisoned goblet will die.  The other will have immunity.

Both of the goblets are poisoned.

12.  Day Eleven:  Event:  The Survivors must fight with the survivors from ABC’s new show “Who Wants to Have My Baby?”, who are living on the opposite side of the island.  Survivors gain points for subduing “Baby” contestants as follows:  Men and Women are worth 5 points.  Pregnant women are worth 10 points.  Small children are worth 15 points.  Whoever has the most points gets immunity.  Whoever has the fewest points must leave the show and be on “Who Wants to Have My Baby” instead.

13.  Day Twelve:  Event:  all of the fresh water is laced with LSD.  Several cameramen dressed as a pirate, a cowboy, and a man in a pressurized diving suit will wander into the camp and move everything around.

The Survivors will be informed that they have gone back in time.

14.  Day Thirteen:  Final Challenge:  The remaining Survivors are given rubber masks.  All of the masks are William Shatner masks.  They are taken to the cave.  They are informed that there can only be one Survivor, and are given handguns.  The guns are loaded with blanks.  The producer comes out from the back of the cave and beats them all with a crowbar.

He is Patrick McGoohan.

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Comments
  1. Moff says:

    I have always wanted to be the victim of an LSD water-lacing prank.

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