The subject of rage in question

The internet is where angry people can yell at other angry people they’ve never met. I don’t really know if this is a good or a bad thing, but let’s go to one of my favorite sources for unreasonable rage, Entertainment Weekly.

The story: Tom Cavanagh, an actor well-liked by the 20 people who watched “Ed,” will star in a new pilot for ABC. I will clarify: a guy from one show from a while back will be in another show if it gets picked up. That is all. That anyone can reach ANY level of emotion stronger than, “Huh, I see,” is already a little beyond me.

But the good commenters at Entertainment Weekly quickly rose to the occasion:

BRIAN: Ugh, how does this clown keep getting work? I don’t know that there is anyone on TV that I found more annoying.
DAVID: I’m looking forward to seeing all three of them on the screen, despite Brian’s lack of taste.
BRIAN: Oh David, you nincompoop. Why am I not at all surprised that you would be tinkling all over yourself over this news?

Just like that! Boom! A man has been cut down to size over his decision to prefer Tom Cavanagh over non-Cavanagh fare. As far as Brian is concerned, enjoying the presence of Tom Cavanagh is tantamount to an inability to control basic bodily functions. Harsh stuff. (And likely this isn’t the first time they’ve clashed in the gladiator arena that is the EW comments board, given their apparent familiarity.)

Interestingly, Brian’s PG language – “nincompoop” and “tinkling” – tells you one of three things: he is a parent (which somehow makes the comment even douchier); he is elderly (which somehow makes the comment more charming and full of moxy); or – most likely – he has already been flagged by the moderators for profanity at least once in his life.

Which is probably the most interesting possibility to me. This man – this “Brian,” if you will – has previously been in an argumentative situation that got so heated that the notoriously lax moderators on EW (and I don’t blame them for being hands-off – it’s a pretty toxic bunch to have to read on any continuing basis) have had to put a stop to his crap.

And the lesson he learned wasn’t, “Perhaps my fellow Entertainment Weekly readers haven’t really earned the levels of venom I’ve been spewing at them over their excitement that Sarah Chalke’s got another Lifetime movie lined up or whatever.”

It was “Next time I tear someone a new asshole for expressing a differing opinion, I’d better not use the words ‘retard’ or ‘piss.’”

And THAT, dear reader, is why we will never advance as a civilization, we will never colonize Mars, and we will never live in the cool, everything’s-an-iPod future we saw in the Star Trek reboot.

  1. Moff says:

    Oh, Holland, you blockhead. Why am I not at all surprised that you would be subjecting us to this sort of upchuck? If you ask me, Brian kicks A.

  2. Jeff Holland says:

    Hey-ho there, Nuts to you, bucko!

  3. deb says:

    So my question, actually, is — why does this Brian have enough time on his hands that he’d even want to argue with someone about whether or not Tom Cavanaugh (who I think is kind of cute) should get a new TV series, language notwithstanding. I guess he’s like those guys who join Facebook groups just to badmouth whatever the topic is. Get a life, Brian, you poopy head!

  4. V.I.P. Referee says:

    I know, right? At least we have the decency to only knock-around guys like John Mayer…that well-honed, carnival show of a pogo-stick (although, truth be told, not always an entirely bad thing to be

  5. Lethargi says:

    This is just more evidence that eventually the terrorists will win. They settle things with AKs and exploding aeroplanes. We settle things with douchey comments on Entertainment Weekly’s website.

  6. braak says:

    I would way rather we solved problems relating to Tom Cavanaugh with comments on EW than with guns.

  7. Jeff Holland says:

    “And thus did the Cavanagh Wars of the early 21st century begin in earnest.”

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