Happy Day of the Living Dead

Posted: April 4, 2010 in Braak
Tags: , , ,

As all of you know, today is Easter, a day in which Christians celebrate the terrible majesty of their Undead God.

In thirty-three AD, a criminal madman was sentenced to death by the Roman Governor Pontius Pilate.  Three days after the execution, the man returned from Hell leading an army of the damned, and changing the face of civilization as we know it.  As is custom, every year Christians gather to appease the monstrous undead legions with fresh rabbit carcasses, attempting to sate their terrible hunger in the hopes that they will be spared and live to see the glorious End of Days, when ALL the dead shall rise up and devour the living, and also there will be locusts and plagues and stuff.

Though I am not an adherent to this faith, I feel that it is important to look past sectarian differences and recognize brothers and sisters in terror.

Iä!  Iä!  Iesu Ftahn!

  1. dagocutey says:

    HaHaHa that’s hysterical! Have you been eating too many jelly beans this morning? Truly, the whole thing is just creep-city. My young son also pointed out that the crucifix looks very much like a hunting trophy. But what the hell is, “Iä! Iä! Iesu Ftahn!” ??? Is this your planet’s native tongue?

  2. lBrew says:

    Ha Ha Ha Hilarious! That’s a good one! That line about the criminal madman being sentenced to death by the Roman Governor Pontius Pilate! Spot on! You have f*cking nailed it. In the coming days I’ll be writing about the diseased whore, your mama, that was convicted of killing her landlord for money to buy crack! Seriously, it is so damn rewarding to find a blog type forum where absolutely anything I can conjure up in my fried brain, and put into words, can be posted, read and appreciated by open minded people such as ourselves. You do the literary world a service every time you put your fingers to the keyboard! The Oscar Wilde of the new millennium.

  3. braak says:

    Are you still here, Larry? I thought you were just spending all your time fighting with that other guy about the Kennedy Assassination. Listen: here at Threat Quality Press, we enjoy good-natured, irreverent humor. If you don’t–well, surely you can’t really have trouble finding a blog where people write whatever they want? Isn’t that basically the definition of a blog?

  4. lBrew says:

    Listen: here at Threat Quality Press, we enjoy good-natured, irreverent humor….

    How can you type with the one hand and wag your finger with the other?

    It’s satire, right? To get a laugh by offending somebody or some other group of people. Anyway, I didn’t insult him personally and I did complement his work.

    And yes, I did shut down a couple of JFK conspiracies and also have contributed my expertise in the areas of fiscal responsibility and civil freedom.

    Ever think maybe “he was the one” that violated the good matured, and irreverent, code of conduct?

  5. Erin says:

    The thing is, about half of this is 100% accurate to the Biblical account: criminal; sentenced to death; returns from hell (the army of the damned is actually apocryphal: the Bible just says he spent 3 days in Hell, and medieval scholars inferred the rest). Even the End of Days, with the resurrection of the dead, is spot on (I’d have mentioned that the dead would be given ownership of the world for 1,000 years, but that’s just me).

    I kind of think you slightly lessen the absolute awesomeness of this with other claims (rabbit carcasses and the dead devouring the living). Or do these have a Biblical/historic basis I’m not thinking of?

    Personally, I love this MORE as a rephrasing of ACTUAL CHRISTIAN THEOLOGY than as a parody. But then I do take things like this a little too seriously.

  6. braak says:

    @lbrew: “He,” who? I am the same person as myself. If the article is in the category of “Braak,” then it means that I am the one that wrote it. Also, no, the point of satire is not to get a laugh by offending someone; it is, through a conscious disrespect attack the human impulse that causes us to take things too seriously. Anyway, if you think that I can’t tell when you’re just acting like a dick, then I don’t know what’s wrong with you; your disingenuousness buys you nothing, here.

    @Erin: It’s not really a parody of Christian theology; it’s what you would get if you looked at Easter and its concomitant celebrations without really understanding the origin of any of those things. The eggs and rabbits have to be involved somehow.

  7. Lindsay says:

    Nice satire, Braak. Satire, of course, being the use of humor to criticize something, in this case, the ludicrous basis of this holiday. Always happy to compliment good work, and in this case, the basis of Easter complements the Lovecraftian elements beautifully.

  8. Erin says:

    @Braak: Fair enough. Though I think the piece actually provides an accurate, or skewed, look at most of Easter’s origins. I appreciate the need to include rabbits and eggs, though, and it’s not like I have a better suggestion.

    I still say there’s a book in this somewhere.

  9. Carl says:

    It made me smile, for what its worth.

    I confess disappointment, though, that you didn’t work chocolate in it at all. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH CHOCOLATE IS CONSUMED in Christendom on this day?

    Can it just be a coincidence the Highest of High Holy Days in Christianity AND Walpurgis Night both involve consumption of conspicuous amounts of chocolate? I think not.

  10. […] is Braak’s Easter message in its entirety, because it is really too short just to excerpt from, but as many people as […]

  11. wench says:

    ROTFLCOPTER! Ok, I’m going to hell. This is *hysterical*. What makes it even funnier is how important Easter is as a holiday here in Australia – it’s bigger than Christmas. And we just spent a weekend in a hotel which did *not* let us know in advance that they were an adjunct of the “revival” church next door….

  12. dagocutey says:

    @Braak: Still I don’t know what, “Iä! Iä! Iesu Ftahn!” means. I get that the 2nd to last word prob. means “Jesus”, but that’s it. I will plague you until you translate. Thank you.

    @IBrew: Ick.

  13. Tad says:

    Awesome, although you did forget to mention the miracle when Jesus turned a bag of stale rice into the first batch of marshmallow Peeps!

  14. Robyn says:

    @Wench: Easter’s sposed to be “bigger than Christmas” ’cause we just woudn’t be celebrating one without the other. But I do feel for you re your weekend stay. Ouch!

  15. braak says:

    “Iä! Iä! Iesu Ftahn!” is a reference to Cthulhu; “Iä! Iä! Cthulhu Ftahn!” is a short form of a longer phrase in an alien language that Cthulhu’s cultists say to identify each other; the long form translates to “In his house in sunken R’lyeh, dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.” The short form translates either to “Cthulhu waits” or “Cthulhu dreams.”

    Since Cthulhu is the Undead God of the Lovecraft mythos, I felt like it was appropriate.

  16. th3chicg33k says:

    Why is it impossible for “believers” to take a joke? I just don’t get it, I suppose. What I find most interesting is the Pagan rituals that this Christian holiday supplants. Oh, so the resurrection just so happens to be the same time as the pagan celebrations of Spring? Oh, okay. I get it now. The church just wanted to convert more sinners.

    And before you go painting those eggs or eating the hell out of those chocolate bunnies, you should know that eggs are an ancient symbol of life and Spring, and bunnies are an ancient symbol of fertility. And *gasp* it’s pre-Christian! Crazy, I know!

  17. th3chicg33k says:

    Sorry, that last comment was directed @lbrew

  18. dagocutey says:

    @Braak: Say wuh’? I must be having a stroke. And I’m all outta Nyquil!

  19. Dmart says:

    So why do the christians eat the zombie’s flesh? Trying to fool him into thinking they’re zombies as well, so that he spares them?

  20. dagocutey says:

    @Dmart: I never looked at it this way before, but yeah, I think that’s why.

  21. braak says:

    Well, I believe that they eat the zombie specifically to partake of his zombie power, so that they become undead as well; it doesn’t seem to be a ruse at all.

  22. Carl says:

    Actually Braak, in a fisheye-lens sort of way, that’s theologically sound!

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