Attention Michael Cera

Posted: April 8, 2010 in Braak
Tags: , ,

You’re going to be in Scott Pilgrim, and that’s great.  It’s going to be awesome, I’m looking forward to it.  I think your dry, understated, almost childish style of performance is well-suited to this, a comic-book movie about a 23-year-old slacker that sometimes dates high-school chicks.

But here’s the thing:  this is the last time.

Don’t get me wrong; I LIKE that thing you do.  I watch Arrested Development over and over on Hulu.  Nick and Nora’s Infinite Playlist?  That was great, and your little schitck there was great for it.  Even Year One was kind of a good time.  The problem with all this is that, and I’m sure you knew this Michael Cera, people were getting bored with it.  Up until Scott Pilgrim, everyone was starting to say, “Yeah, that Michael Cera.  I wonder if he can even do anything else but speak softly and look bewildered?”

Now you’re Scott Pilgrim, and it’s a perfect role for you.  It is going to be the most awesome deployment of your patented Michael Cera Mumbly Technique that is possible in this world.  Therein lies your problem, my friend:  from here on out, any performance that ever resembles the Michael Cera “Classic” performance will be compared to Scott Pilgrim, and it will fall short.  Your life, if you continue on this path, will be lived forever in the shadow of your one greatest role.

Your only hope is to do something different.  Crazy.  Remember how Johnny Depp started as a teen heartthrob on 21 Jumpstreet, but got bored with it so he started doing all insane character roles?   You need to reinvent yourself, man.  We’ve seen Michael Cera, we’re about to see him at his peak, and we’re not going to keep buying tickets for it anymore.

When you do change, it’s going to be hard.  People, even though they’re bored with what you’re doing now, are still going to resist.  People always resist change.  They’d rather see your life slowly decay beneath the weight of hackneyed convention than see you risk doing something outside the sphere of their familiarity.  You must persevere. You can’t be an artist by giving the audience what it wants; they’ll get used to what you’re doing.  It’ll take time, and they’ll bitch and moan, but they’ll accommodate.

And you’ve got to make them.  This is a long-term solution, man, it is the only way I am ever going to be able to watch you in a movie after Scott Pilgrim.

I’m serious; I’ve only got your best interests at heart, here.

  1. Moff says:

    So you want Michael Cera to star in a reboot of 21 Jump Street?

    Because: Yes, me too.

  2. Jeff Holland says:

    Are Michael Cera’s skinny arms going to lead you into another “Against Tiny Kung-Fu Women” rant?

  3. braak says:

    No, I’ve said all I have to say on that topic. My position is clear. And, unlike certain other films, TV shows, comic books, books, &c., Scott Pilgrim makes no bones about being wholly unrealistic.

    @Moff: Dude, don’t say that. You’re going to trick him into doing it, and the poor guy’s career will stagnate.

  4. th3chicg33k says:

    I’m having a hard time picturing Michael Cera as anyone but Michael Cera. I mean, he could try bulking up for an action role, but he’d still have that weak chin and voice. I mean, I just don’t see him as the Alpha Male.

    However, I could see him do a very creepy psychopath horror flick. Anyway, it’d be more believable than Jim Carey in that terrible movie “23.”

  5. Jeff Holland says:

    Nah, he’d have to find something both creepy and really, REALLY stylish to get people’s minds off the fact that it’s Michael Cera.

    I’m thinking of Elijah Wood in “Sin City” when I say this. If a new Sin City movie ever rolls around, Cera should try angling for a part in that. Hell, it even made Josh Hartnett kinda cool.

  6. I, for one, am sick of this dude. I love AD, but at this point I don’t even want him in the movie. Kill off George Michael!

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