Attention New TV Shows Featuring Sexy CIA Spies

Posted: April 26, 2010 in Braak, Threat Quality

I’m looking at you, Covert Affairs, and your pretty lead, who looks like a sort of pouty, wide-eyed Mary McCormick.  (Oh…that’s what Piper Perabo has been up to.)

Listen, we should talk about this.  I’m a white male in my mid (to late) 20s, so I know you really respect my opinion about…well, about everything.  So, I’ve got to say this.

I don’t really need to want to have sex with all the actresses in the show in order for me to enjoy it.

I mean, I like attractive people, don’t get me wrong.  I like Mary McCormick, I think she’s very pretty.  But she’s pretty in an unusual kind of way, you know?  Really serious, intense eyes, kind of a square jaw.  She’s pretty, sure.  But I don’t watch the show because I want to have sex with her.  I watch the show because she’s an interesting actress to watch.  And you know, there’s something…I’d almost call it more “realistic”…that she doesn’t look like she just walked out of Coyote Ugly.  Makes her kind of relatable, you know?

You know who I really like?  Kathryn Erbe.  She’s the woman that plays Eames on Law and Order:  Criminal Intent.  She looks basically like a regular person!  That’s great!  It’s possible for me to enjoy Criminal Intent, even though my principal interest is NOT wanting to have sex with Eames.  In the same way that I can enjoy the show even though I also don’t want to have sex with Goren.  I watch a lot of TV that feature people I don’t want to have sex with.  It’s not that they’re ugly, or there’s anything wrong with them, in any way.

It’s like this, think of it this way:  there are a lot of different feelings that one person can have for another.  Lust is certainly one of those feelings.  But if I can have a bunch of OTHER feelings for a character, it kind of doesn’t matter that I’m not lusting after them.

So, you know.  Maybe Covert Affairs is a really good show?  But let’s take a moment and be serious.  Piper Perabo has long hair because you want me to want to have sex with her.  That’s the same reason she’s all giggly in the commercials, and hitting people on the butt, and kicking a guy in the neck (because you think I will automatically want to do any chick that can kick a guy in the neck), and the same reason the only hint of the premise of the show is that guy saying, “Can you keep your personal life separate from your professional life?”  We all know what that means — CIA sexy time.

So, thanks for caring so much about my libido.  I appreciate your interest in present me with a constant parade of eye-candy.  It’s just that, frankly, I don’t care that much.

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Comments
  1. As perfectly true as this is for most of us, I have a sneaking suspicion that these decisions are made by Execubot Gamma, who is responsible for underestimating middle America.

    “Sure, she’s a great actress, but will she get them off their tractors?”

    Besides, aren’t you a theater geek? You’re getting cut from the focus group about 5 seconds after you mention Henrik Ibsen.

  2. braak says:

    Probably the same robot that took Eames off of CI and replaced her with a sexy redhead. (Although, maybe Kathryn Erbe was getting tired of that shit.)

  3. threatqualitypress says:

    Astonishingly, I had no idea what the hell you were talking about – which tells me that when “Burn Notice” isn’t on, I do not watch USA for even a little bit.

    (Which I think means I’ve missed a few Goldblum “Criminal Intent”s.)

    That said, you have to respect USA as a network for being equal-opportunity lead-character-ogling, since I’m fairly certain “White Collar” was developed solely because Matthew Boemer is really, really pretty.

    Also: So that’s what Christopher Gorham has been up to lately. I still have fond memories of “Jake 2.0,” or as I like to call it, “Chuck 1.0”.

  4. braak says:

    Well, equal-opportunity as long as you only enjoy ogling white people. Or, wait, was that Ron Livingston show with Gina Torres on USA? I guess maybe just primarily ogling white people.

  5. wench says:

    Oh, come on, the funny black sidekick on “psych” is adorable. I could oggle him a long, long while. And the dude from Monk? Not even remotely sexy. Also possibly Jewish, which is diverse, right? And sometimes the network goes and airs a non-network show with a diverse cast, like House. They have a black guy on there (who is frankly hot) and a bisexual! And sometimes the patients are ugly.

    Besides, it’s hard work being pretty. Seriously, these folks have to worry about their appearance all the time. God help them if they go mountain biking and get a scratch on their face!

    For all my sarcasm, I’d never trade place with them. I’m currently eating a maple-pecan danish that would make most size-0 actresses faint.

  6. braak says:

    It’s hard work for some people.

  7. V.I.P. Referee says:

    I won’t pretend that maybe I was a little generous with Brandon Routh’s turn as “Superman” because–oh, really, this needs no elaboration (can’t critically judge a performance from a man in tights. Too distracting). But when I was graciously alerted to his role in “Chuck” (compliments of TQP), I tuned-in not just to look at him, but to see if I could get past wanting to look at him, as in:”What else is there, behind all the pretty?”

    He was very funny. I realized I prefer seeing him in goofy or silly roles. It makes for a nice contrast. I don’t want to automatically discount someone’s potential, just because I desire them sexually.

  8. V.I.P. Referee says:

    I meant to type “deny” in place of “pretend”.

    And I misspelled “particularly” in a comment the other day. And I broke a tea cup when I was five and didn’t tell my Mom it was my fault.

  9. Jeff Holland says:

    Wait, is this a race thing or a beauty thing? PICK THE THING YOU’RE ANNOYED BY!

    (And no, that Ron Livingston show was on Fox.)

  10. dagocutey says:

    @Wench: Tony Shalhoub is sexy, his character Monk is not. And I’d do House, but not Hugh Laurie. I wouldn’t do Jack Bower OR Kieffer Sutherland — the man looks like an overgrown ventriloquist dummy. I think it’s his nose and the botox.

    @Jeff Holland: It all annoys me.

  11. braak says:

    Western standards of beauty are inextricably tied into the politics of race.

  12. dagocutey says:

    @Braak: “Western standards of beauty are inextricably tied into the politics of race.” Illustrate please?

  13. braak says:

    Ugh. Okay. Here’s Vanity Fair, deciding which actresses are on the Young Hollywood cover. The actresses aren’t new (as claimed), but the author sure does go on about how pretty they are.

    Photos of Beyonce Knowles are artificially lightened if they’re going to appear in a “white” magazine.

    Non-white women spend 45 million dollars annually on hair relaxer.

  14. Matt says:

    I feel the same way about sexy women authority figures in shows. It’s one thing to put a detective in a low-cut blouse. But a cop who has to possibly chase a perp down the street, or who will DEFINITELY have to be walking around all day chasing down leads, wearing high heeled shoes (I just watched the first episode of Chuck recently, so that’s where I am) is just plain wrong. Women know where to find good-looking flats or 2-inch heels. Just because she’s a strong, sexy female detective or spy doesn’t mean she has to wear pumps. In fact, she’d be stronger OUT of pumps. That’s the point of those shoes: to make women weaker and thus more attractive.

  15. […] up, if you were curious what the experience of watching “Internal Affairs,” the Piper Perabo-starring Tiny Kung Fu Woman Show on USA, it is NOT, I was surprised, like watching someone rip off the pilot to “Alias” […]

  16. mikki says:

    I personally agree. I am a woman and I am getting a bit tired of having sexy white bouncy haired, short skirt, cleavaged vixens shoved down my throat. Why can’t they be regular like on Law and Order. I just like shows pretty dry and focused on the plot.

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