On Horrible Things

Posted: June 17, 2010 in Braak
Tags: , , , , , ,

There are a lot of horrible things in movies.  Sometimes, these things can be combined to make something EVEN MORE HORRIBLE.  Most of the time, they cannot.  Dead Snow has got me thinking about some things that might combine effectively.

1.  Nazi Zombies

A Nazi zombie is basically the same thing as a regular zombie.  The Nazis’ key powers of organization, guns, and anti-Semitism are all obviated by the zombie’s over-riding hunger for brains.

Verdict:  No

2.  Zombie Tyrannosaurus

Here’s the thing — what were you going to do to the Tyrannosaurus except run from it, anyway?  If anything, making it a zombie Tyrannosaurus would slow it down.

Verdict:  Lamesauce

3.  Nazi Tyrannosaurus

Oh, shit man.  The only advantage we have over Tyrannosaurus right now is our access to guns and tanks.

Verdict:  Yes

4.  Robot Tyrannosaurus

This is worse than a regular tyrannosaurus, because as a robot it can shoot lasers and/or rockets, but it’s not really more dangerous than any other kind of robot, as all serious robots also come equipped with deadly hydraulic jaws and razor-sharp steel teeth.

Verdict:  No

5.  Robot Wolf-Man

This is kind of a toss up. Is it a Robot that turns into a Wolf-Man?  Or is it a Robot in the shape of a Wolf-Man?  If it’s the former, and can presumably shoot rockets and lasers while in robot form, but is immune to harm from anything except silver in Wolf-Man form, then that’s a definite yes.  But if it’s the latter, that’s just a cosmetic difference.

Verdict:  Maybe, depends on circumstance

6.  Vampire Nazi

Vampire Nazis are totally bad news, no question.

Verdict:  Yes

7.  Vampire Pumpkin

This is a real thing, I read about it in a book on Gypsy folklore.  A vampire pumpkin is definitely more dangerous than a regular pumpkin.  But a pumpkin vampire is totally less dangerous than a regular vampire.

Verdict:  Six of 1

8.  Vampire Werewolf

That doesn’t even make any sense.

Verdict:  Shut the hell up

9. Robot Nazi

Robot Nazis are worse than regular Nazis, because of the robot’s immunity to small arms fire, and they’re worse than regular robots because Nazis are already immune to logical paradox.  Definitely trouble, extra trouble if they are Robot Moon Nazis.

Verdict:  Totally

10.  Robot Godzilla

Whose fucking idea was this?  There’s already basically nothing to do about Godzilla, and does robot Godzilla even HAVE radioactive fire breath?  Sure, now maybe he can use his rocket boosters to fly around, but he was already a hundred stories tall, it’s not like he was getting stuck in traffic on the freeway.

Verdict:  Be serious, man.

11.  Vampire Tyrannosaurus

Whoah.  I am terrified just thinking about this.  He could probably turn into a pterodactyl, and he’d be, like, sixty million years old.  I don’t even know where tyrannosaurus keeps its heart, either.

Verdict:  YES.

  1. No Zombie Tyrannosaurus? So I take it you didn’t like Jurassic Park?

  2. Jeff Holland says:

    I am so disappointed that there are no crude sketches accompanying this article.

    And now I’m vaguely curious what a google image search would turn up.

  3. […] Threat Quality Press Someone's got to stand up to experts. « On Horrible Things […]

  4. Carl says:

    See, this is the reason I come here and read shit even when I don’t have the time to comment– because I NEED to contemplate what a narrative surrounding a vampire tyrannosaur would be like and, frankly, I just don’t get that kind of provocation anywhere else in my life right now. There’s some vital shit going on here, people. Pay attention.

  5. Jeff Holland says:

    On Robot Dinosaurs:

    Didn’t Grimlock have like a flamethrower in his mouth or something?

  6. braak says:

    Grimlock could shoot a laser from his mouth. Slag was the one that had a flamethrower.

  7. Jeff Holland says:

    See, that barely makes sense. Not so much “Why would a robot triceratops be outfitted with a flamethrower,” so much as, “Why WOULDN’T the t-rex?” Seems really unfair. Shitty little laser.

  8. braak says:

    I think what’s interesting about the dinobots is how, in Transformers, the writers clearly ran into the question “If you could turn into a robot tyrannosaurus, why would you ever turn into a robot that WASN’T a tyrannosaurus?” and answered it with, “Well, I guess you wouldn’t.”

  9. Dave says:

    I call shenanigans on the Vampire T-Rex – where the hell is it going to hide out during the day?

    It’s not like it can build a coffin with arms too tiny for carpentry tools.

    I guess it could hide inside the eviscerated corpse of a brachiosaur, but that’s not exactly cool, is it? And the starched collar would suffer…

  10. wench says:

    There was an episode of The Real Ghostbusters where vampires and werewolves all got into a fight, and because vampires turn you into vampires by biting and werewolves turn you into werewolves by biting they just all kept swapping back and forth.

    Anyone else read “Bunnicula” and “The Celery Stalks At Midnight”? I loved those books as a kid…

  11. braak says:

    @Dave: I basically think there are two scenarios here. The first is that he turns into mist, and then hides in a cave that he knows about. The second is that he’s actually IN THE MUSEUM posing as a wax statue, and using his hypnotic powers on anyone that finds out about him.

  12. Erin says:

    @Wench: I remember that episode! Didn’t they all become hybrids which were unable to leave the island they were on (since they all inherited vampires’ inability to cross running water)?

  13. child care says:

    child care…

    On Horrible Things « Threat Quality Press…

  14. […] launched on Halloween 2010 at the Film Freak Central blog, spurred on by Chris Braak’s “On Horrible Things” post at Threat Quality Press. Like this:LikeBe the first to like this. This entry was […]

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