What Have I Been Doing All Day?

Posted: July 21, 2010 in Braak, crotchety ranting
Tags: ,

Taking down cabinets.  Jeanine and I have a house together, you know, and in one of the rooms there is a lot of mold (we call it “The Mold Room,” on account of all the mold.  The mold is also poisonous).  It has these big square cabinets all along the top of one of the walls.

Let me backtrack a second, because I want to be clear about this.  The guy that lived in this house before us built it himself.  Now, I’m sure it takes a lot of ability to build a house; I’m not sure I could have done it.  But this guy was still a complete idiot.  Everything he did is the cheapest, dumbest thing a person could do.  You can’t open the side door and the basement door at the same time — if you want to take something directly into the basement, you have to move it all the way into the (tiny) kitchen.  The main hall is barely wide enough for one person.

The point is:  if Roger (the house-builder) had built the house THREE FEET wider on a side, all of the spatial problems could have been avoided.

Anyway, the Mold Room.  The Mold Room and its god-damn cabinets.  We have to take them down, because they’ve got fucking mold growing in them.  Poisonous mold that was making Jeanine sick.  So, I go to take them down and, like any good scientist, first I investigate just how they’re being held up.

He’s got fat two-by-fours running along the wall, and along the ceiling — each rail is one, solid, fifteen foot-long piece, by the way, and god only knows why he did that; , and the cabinet faces are attached to them, and then the walls are attached to them.  And then there is a brace that attaches the cabinet walls to each other and to the regular walls.  The fasteners appear to be completely random — looking at the bottom rail, I can see right in a row:  a nail, a smaller nail, a flat head screw, another nail, a Philips screw, and something that looks like a thumb tack.


The only way I can get the wood off of the walls is by prying it with a hammer. My whole day has consisted of cutting the rail apart with a reciprocating saw,  chiseling out a space around the nail heads with my screwdriver, then banging my claw hammer into position WITH ANOTHER HAMMER and fucking HANGING FROM IT in the hopes that my weight will pull it free from the wall.

Not only that but!  How did he make this ceiling?  Is it usual for a ceiling to be five inches away from the support beams?  There must be beams in here, because these EIGHT INCH LONG NAILS that are holding the top rail in must be connected to some god-damn thing, right?  But no matter where I pry, I just end up punching a hole in the ceiling with the hammer.

So, my hands hurt and I’m covered in sawdust.  My reciprocating saw blade broke, so I’ve still got six feet of two-by-four attached to the ceiling, and I can’t tell you how much I hate the guy that built this house.

  1. Moff says:

    Was Roger, like, super-skinny? Because that would pretty funny. He’d be all, “I never had any problems in the hall.”

  2. braak says:

    He was pretty skinny.

  3. Jeff Holland says:

    Roger and I seem cut from the same cloth. The same uneven, poorly cut cloth.

  4. Dmart says:

    I really want the *magic of the internet!* to somehow bring Roger to this thread so you can overcome your differences and learn about life, love, and each other.
    Or so you can send him a virus. Whichever.

  5. V.I.P. Referee says:

    I’m sure the last thing either one of you have heard over the last few months is: “Yeah, you really gotta be careful about that mold. It can really make you sick.”

    So, yeah, you guys really gotta be careful about that mold, it can really make you sick. Ventilation, masks, take all of it into battle with you. Invest in a super-duper industrial de-humidifier to slow down growth while you work to remove the mold. And you really shouldn’t be doing that project yourself, but I’m sure that’s another suggestion you’ve never heard before.

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