Threat Quality Shoe Challenge: Redux

Posted: November 28, 2010 in Braak
Tags: , ,

As usual, your puny hu-man “reality” is insufficient to my needs.  I have therefore decided to INVENT the solution to my shoe problem.  Ladies and gentlemen, behold!  The newest product from the Nike Shoe Corporation!  I give you:


The shoe begins with a layer of polypropylene insulation, designed to wick away moisture from the foot, keeping it dry.  There’s a small amount of padding there, designed to keep the foot comfortable.  The sneaker isn’t completely waterproof, which is just as well — waterproof sneakers are actually a terrible problem, because then where the hell does your sweat go?

The lining is attached to the shoe body itself, which is made out of kevlar-impregnated denim.  The advantage of multi-fiber twill fabrics is that it’s pretty easy to combine different kinds; the expense of the kevlar is offset with the cotton, which provides flexibility.  Denim also gives it a really rugged look.

The shoe sole is made out of aircraft-grade vulcanized rubber, for when you have to run at a hundred miles an hour.

There’s a layer of visco-elastic tempurfoam in there, too, to give you a little bit of space between your feet and the ground when you’re leaping out of a five story window.

After that, we’re going to talk reinforcements.  A couple extra panels to make the shoe a bit tougher than the standard Chuck Taylor design.  And a toe panel.  MADE FROM TITANIUM.

Let’s throw in some rivets there, to make sure the panels don’t come apart.

And replace those stupid rubber plates at the toe and heel part of the sole with actual plates.  Plus get some eyelets, kevlar laces with titanium aglets.

And there you go.  The Nike INVINCIBLE:  the world’s toughest sneaker.  It retails for $400 a pair, but comes with a lifetime guarantee.

I already have a two-phase marketing campaign planned out.  Phase one is Grant Imahara and Cari Byron running over the shoes with a truck, shooting them out of a cannon, dropping them from space.  (Tagline:  Nike INVINCIBLE:  Can’t bust ’em.)

Phase two is Tony Jaa and David Belle strapping them on and then just kicking hell of ninjas through walls and parkouring the shit out of Paris.  (The tagline for this is just:  INVINCIBLE.)

One this shoe becomes the most popular in the world, I will finally be able to get someone to design and build my INVINCIBLE MK II, to which I have made some obvious improvements:

  1. braak says:

    Hmmm. If only there were some way I could make them atomic-powered…

  2. Carl says:

    Meredith and I were dicussing your earlier post tonight at dinner and I was directed to get on and tell you that Converse DOES apparenlty make a tough-leather version of the canvas shoe in question. But now you’ve gone and thrown lasers and rocket-boosters into the mix, so your on your damn own.

  3. braak says:

    Who, holy cow, $30 at


    Well where were you when I was inventing new shoes?

  4. Ryan R says:

    But do they tone your bum while you walk?

  5. braak says:

    No, but they DO tone your bum when you KICK SUCKERS IN THE FACE.

  6. RickRussellTX says:

    The tagline for the Mythbusters commercial should be:


  7. braak says:

    Ooo, I like that one, too.

  8. Jesse LaJeunesse says:

    I generally hate everything you stand for, almost as much as I hate the whole general concept of “shoeness” to begin with, but this was kinda awesome.

  9. […] my plan for the Nike Invincible?  A new shoe that I designed that was the most awesome thing […]

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