Today In Idiots: People Who Bought the Power Balance Wristband

Posted: December 1, 2010 in Braak, crotchety ranting
Tags: , ,

Also:  the morons I just saw on the CBS Eyewitness news who didn’t immediately denounce it as bullshit.  Also the woman from “The Beauty Bean” that the morons on the news asked about it who said, “Well, there are no negative side effects, so we say just go for it.”

Here is what Power Balance is:  it is a wristband with a mylar hologram on it.  The mylar hologram is somehow(?) designed to resonate with and respond to “the body’s natural energy field.”

Ugh.  I know I shouldn’t get mad about bullshit like this, because who cares how idiots spend their money?  If some assholes slap a mylar hologram on a buck fifty worth of silicone and start selling it for THIRTY DOLLARS, well, so what?  If an idiot has money, they should be allowed to piss it away however they want to.

It’s just that this is such AMAZING bullshit that I can’t even get my head around it.  Just flat out, blatant, obvious bullshit that it makes me literally BLIND WITH RAGE.

Here, take a look at the Power Balance “test“, that proves the product’s efficacy.  Notice anything about it?  Let me tell you what I see, in order from least important to most important:

1)  More time is spent introducing the famous athletes that endorse the product than is spent demonstrating it.

2)  There’s no control, in which the athletes are given a placebo that they’re told is some magic fucking wristband but is actually just a NON-magic wristband.

3)  THEY NEVER FINISH THE FUCKING TESTS.

OH MY GOD THIS IS SO MUCH FUCKING HORSESHIT THAT I WANT TO MURDER A PERSON.  JESUS.

How do you figure that the body is conducting energy through its wrists in the first place?  How is the mylar “resonating” with the body’s energy?  What form is the energy in?  Electricity?  Gamma Rays?  Rads?  Microwaves?  Why would mylar “resonate” with that?  On the news they said that Power Balance claims to bombard the hologram with some kind of specific-frequency energy waves, that are what gives it its magic powers — I can’t find it on the website, but HOLY SHIT YOU IDIOTS.  How would that even work?  What, do you think that if you bombard mylar with microwaves or some shit — WHAT?  WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS HAPPENING?  It doesn’t hold on to the microwaves and then continue to emit them into your wrists so that your body can benefit from some god-damn microwaves, you know how I know that?  BECAUSE THAT’S NOT HOW FUCKING MICROWAVES WORK.

“Maybe it’s the placebo effect,” says the woman (I can’t remember her name, but she must be one of these people) from the Beauty Bean.  OF COURSE IT’S THE FUCKING PLACEBO EFFECT YOU FUCKING IDIOT.  And there are negative side-effects, the negative side-effect is YOU LOSE THIRTY DOLLARS.

RAARRRGH.  Look, okay, obviously Power Balance is — and I am saying this advisedly, unequivocally, and with absolutely zero fear of a defamation suit — complete horseshit.  The claims that Power Balance makes are FALSE, they are flim-flam, snake oil, hokum, period, end of sentence.  And if idiots want to buy them, hey, fine.

And you know what?  Fine on whoever you are from the Beauty Bean, because whatever, someone clearly just stopped you while you were out jogging and maybe you just said whatever the first thing you thought of was, feh.

But CBS Eyewitness News, you assholes should be ashamed of yourselves.  Do you know what this story was?  This story was, “Company Bilks Customers by Selling Fake-Ass Mylar Hologram Bullshit.”  It was NOT, “Hey, could this product give you a Victoria’s Secret body?  Science hasn’t provided us an answer, so it must be true!”

Oh, man, fuck you guys.  You have a responsibility to your viewers, you dipshits.  They are relying on you for information, not for two-minute advertisements disguised as news.  This thing is flat-out bullshit, and you guys have a responsibility to call it that.  You aren’t being fair-minded by saying, “Well, you know, their claims are untested, but maybe it really does work!”  Especially because you KNOW that your viewers will easily mistake the absence of a strong determination one way or the other for affirmation.  You know that, it’s the history of human consciousness.  And this isn’t something about, “Well, both liberalism and conservatism are political ideologies that both have positive aspects.”  There is nothing political about this at all!  There’s no matter of opinion here AT ALL.

All you had to do was see bullshit, and then call it what it is.

Sweet Christ you punk motherfuckers, how did this even happen?  How did you even decide to do a story like this?  What, did a representative from Power Balance contact your Moron Department?  Do you have a special Idiot Back Door built in to your crack news-gathering team?  A secret dumbass window that makes you particularly vulnerable to hucksters peddling their shabby flim-flammery?

Could you have spent even TEN SECONDS realizing that you were being LIED TO?  That your news program was being USED as an advertisement for this fake ass CRAP?

Do you, any of you, have even an ounce of journalistic integrity?  Even a semblance of a sense of duty to the public good?  Do you have ONE IOTA of decency?

I HAAAAAAATE YOOOOOOOOOOOU.

You embarrassing stooges.

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Comments
  1. RickRussellTX says:

    “two-minute advertisements disguised as news”

    Now you begin to understand journalism.

  2. braak says:

    It just makes me SO MAD.

  3. SB7 says:

    I wonder how Braak really feels about CBS’ coverage. I get the impression he was holding back a little.

  4. braak says:

    SO. MAD.

  5. dagocutey says:

    It’s really no different than some of the shit Fox News pulls. But at least now I know what to get you for Christmas.

  6. Jeff Holland says:

    But…wait. Does this mean slap-bracelets are power-enhancers, too?

    Because with a mighty SLAP they imbue the body with a powerful kinetic charge that sends the dermal atoms vibrating at an enhanced rate and…WHOOOOSH!

    ZOOOOOOOOOOM

    Slap-Bracelet Marketing Department, call me, I apparently can revitalize your entire brand!

  7. braak says:

    If the physics I learned from Marvel Comics is correct, then yes, what you are saying MUST BE TRUE.

  8. Um, check out badscience.net – a British journalist and practicing GP writes about how science is reported and distorted by news organisations and drug companies.

  9. […] and please don’t be an idiot like these people. Thanks. Comments […]

  10. Justin Guy says:

    You. Are. My. Hero. I hate this bullshit. It makes me just as PISSED OFF. My uncle actually bought that shit and did the balance test on me…
    1. First he pulled on my arm, no band. I kinda leaned to the side.
    2. Then, I put the band on, he pulled my arm again. I didn’t move..KNOW WHY!? CUZ I WAS FUCKING EXPECTING IT!!!!!! The public of this nation is so fucking FAIL always looking or something to satisfy, to make their life easier, faster, richer. Hey how about getting the hell off the damn couch and getting active fat shits? Yeah do something for yourselves douches and quit eating this capitalist pile of shit!

  11. I respect the people that sell these things, they’re the true hustlers out there. Making a ton of money off a product bought for pennies is the American Dream.

  12. braak says:

    I hope hustling isn’t the real American Dream. I’d like to live in a country who’s highest aspirations weren’t con-artistry.

  13. Jordan says:

    well, i always knew they were a load of bullshit. I just bought the Power Balance imitations, because i like they way they look and just use them as an accessorie. I still wear one to this day but to not promote or talk bullshit about it, i know it does nothing.

  14. The Truth says:

    It was indeed a very good scam which many Americans came to endorse. Much like religion.

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