The Many Villains of The Cape

Posted: January 20, 2011 in Braak
Tags: , ,

I don’t think I’m ever going to stop talking about The Cape.  I don’t know if this should make NBC optimistic for the show’s future — I also don’t think I’m going to buy anything advertised on The Cape — but there it is.

Anyway.  NBC is soliciting fan’s to send in ideas for villains for this show.  Heheheheh.

So, I think this is problematic for a number of reasons.

The first is that I don’t really get why the Cape is fighting crime.  I mean, according to the show, the cops — now that they’re privatized — have just been arresting the FUCK out of people.  So, there’s problems with that, I agree, that’s police-state fascism.  But also people actually ARE safe, there are fewer criminals, so who is the Cape fighting?  And why?   I don’t know.

The other problem is “what kinds of villains is the show supposed to have?”  The show has only shown us four villains so far (and next week’s episode is two of the villains we’ve already seen).

This is what makes the instructions so weird.  They say things like, “The Cape’s villains have one-word names that are evocative or descriptive,” or “The villains also have distinct characteristics, like long greasy hair, or scales.”

My favorite one is, “Because the Cape doesn’t have superpowers, none of his villains have superpowers, either.”

This is hilarious, because it’s actually DOUBLE-WRONG.  Not only DOES the Cape have a superpower (remember his magic cape?  The one that may or may not have belonged to Merlin and Jack the Ripper, because those two guys both bought their clothes at the same Oxfam?), but also non-powered heroes can fight powered characters.  I think Batman once famously knocked the crap out of Superman.

Anyway, those are not very specific instructions, and this isn’t a whole lot to go on here.  I am, however, going to try anyway.

LET’S GO.

The Wrench

The Wrench is like a regular goon that higher-up villains hire.  He uses his familiarity with the sewer system to commit crimes.  Also, he has a big wrench that he can hit a dude with.  KA-BANG.  I imagine this character looking a lot like Wario.

Doctor Hand Grenade

Doctor Hand Grenade’s character has a lot of depth, because he is a paradox.  That is what good writing is, when characters are paradoxes.  Doctor Hand Grenade likes hand grenades, but he’s ALSO a doctor.  Does that mean after he blew people up, he would then try to treat their injuries?  Or is he a doctor OF hand grenades, as opposed to a doctor WITH hand grenades?  Maybe his head is one big hand grenade and he wears a labcoat?  I think that’s for the writers to figure out.

Stereotypical Hispanic Gang Member

Stereotypical Hispanic Gang Member (SHGM) actually has a power, because when he was a child he was bitten by a radioactive Latino.  His power is that he can, after being defeated, transform into someone else with the same ethnicity and socio-economic class.  This is a good idea, because you could have several episodes go by before you reveal that the Cape has been fighting the SAME stereotypical hispanic gang member THE WHOLE TIME.

FourLoko

FourLoko is fucking crazy.  Don’t even stand next to that guy, for real, he’ll bite your god-damn eyelids off.

Razorface

He has RAZORS on his FACE.  Think about that, for a second.  That’s basically the most horrible thing that a guy can have, is just some razors sticking out of his face.  No matter how bad some dude in a dark alley is, if he came up to you with razors sticking out of his face and he tried to fucking CUT YOU WITH HIS FACE, that’d be worse.  Jesus.

Gentleman Johnny Walker

With the power of Irish whisky. Also of punching suckers in the teeth.

Madame Catsuit

There needs to be a chick villain in here, so I thought of this one.  What she does is use, like, her feminine wiles, you know?  She just is able to always get the better of men, because of how she’s always SEDUCING them.  She’s really hot, too, and always wants to have sex.  Also, she wears a pleather catsuit.  That’s what chicks are like, right?

Spike

From Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  I just really like this character, I think he should be in more things.

The Nudist

The Nudist is basically the opposite of the Cape.  See, the Cape wears a cape, but the Nudist DOESN’T WEAR ANYTHING.  He is the deadliest of the Cape’s adversaries (he’s who will replace Chess after the Cape finally vanquishes him).  The Nudist basically just wants to undermine and destroy everything that has to do with civilization, starting with clothes, but WHO CAN SAY WHERE IT WILL END?  The Nudist’s primary power as a villain is that no one ever remembers what he looks like, because they only look at his penis.

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Comments
  1. Jeff Holland says:

    The Ruler: Sexy Catholic nun enforcer. Weapon: Big ruler – but it’s not just a ruler, it’s…other things? Like the Penguin’s umbrellas – hey! Nuns look like penguins! This one just writes itself!

    (NBC will ban it when the Catholic League threatens a boycott…and it will become the most SOUGHT-AFTER torrent EVER so NBC you should just pay me now.)

  2. Jeff Holland says:

    The Glove: Powerful judo-chop! He wears a mysterious glove, that he says fits just like a cape. It may have also been worn by Robert E. Lee, and that asshole from “Of Mice and Men”, or possibly even Michael Jackson!

  3. Jeff Holland says:

    And based on a mistype from the previous entry, I also submit…

    The GLOBE! He’s really fat but strong. NBC can tie this into “The Biggest Loser” somehow. That’s what we in the showbiz call “synergy.”

  4. RickRussellTX says:

    Drillnose. His nose is slightly larger than normal and… twisted? He’s not really a criminal, but he was in a bank when it was hit by bank robbers and people just assume the worst because of his nose.

  5. Hsiang says:

    They should do more with evil chefs. “Next episode it’s out of the frying pan and into the fire as Vincent is battered then stuffed with cream cheese andlox (from non-sustainable wild salmon). Can he escape the clutches of…
    THE CREPE?!”
    Gordon Ramsay is the obvious casting choice.

    Madame Catsuit has some potential. Could there be an oil wrestling scene with one of the supporting characters (not sure which one- midget?). there may actually be a demographic this would appeal too. Must do more research…

  6. Jeff Holland says:

    I’m just disappointed that the “no superpowers” caveat means FourLoko can’t be one guy who magically splits into four guys – EACH ONE CRAZIER THAN THE LAST.

  7. braak says:

    Maybe FourLoko is actually quadruplets.

  8. braak says:

    @Hsiang: Madame Catsuit will probably corner Summer Glau’s character at the circus, and they will have to battle in the big mud pit that Rollo uses for his act.

  9. dagocutey says:

    How about the Nudist being able to shoot bullets out of his wanker? Or his unit is a laser gun? Whatever, but his dick has to be LETHAL.

    And another female super villian could be called The Diva. She wears stillettos that have knife blades for the heals, and she carries this huge, chrome-shiny handbag full of stuff like a lipstick that’s really a laser gun, a hair brush that has surgical blades for the bristles, a can of hairspray that’s actually a flame thrower — you know, shit like that. And she’s always bitching about the weather ruining her hair, how she can’t find a good latte joint, and how she’s forced to waste her time fighting boring, loser do-gooders who are “so not hot”. (catch phrase?) And her boobs could shoot lasers.

    I don’t know, this isn’t my genre.

    Re: M. Catsuit: Gotta figure out a way to work auto-tounge-bathing into the character. Maybe something she does as a warning sign right before she attacks?

  10. braak says:

    I thought “wanker” was the word for a person who “wanks”?

    Anyway, I think have an actual deadly-projectile penis would constitute a “superpower”, which would be out of place on The Cape. See, the Cape has a cape, but he can only use it to beat up people who are not similarly empowered.

  11. dagocutey says:

    “Wanks”?

  12. braak says:

    Yes. Wank: v., to wank: to masturbate. He wanks, she wanks, they wank. Wanking in the gerund.

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