Why I Am a Terrible Person

Posted: February 23, 2011 in Braak
Tags: , ,

I don’t do nice things for people.  The reason for this is that I am constantly writing my obituary in my head, and that I am deathly afraid of dramatic irony. 

Chris Braak died in a car accident today.  He was helping an old lady change her tire on the Schuylkill expressway and was hit by a truck.

It’s not that I don’t want to be doing something nice when I die — quite the opposite, in fact.   I think if most people had the choice between dying while doing something nice, or dying while doing something horrible and selfish, they’re going to pick the former.

Chris Braak died of a freak lightning strike.  He’d just purchased flowers and a heart-shaped balloon for his fiancee for Valentine’s Day, when he stepped out into the street and was struck dead.

It’s more like the act of creating a moment that would be especially dramatic to die in — one in which my death would have a kind of maximum dramatic impact, due to the juxtaposition of circumstances — somehow invokes death.  Like I’m somehow taunting him by creating a moment that is too obvious a choice.

It just makes me leery of nice things happening in general.  Everyday is bad, though some days, like Valentine’s Day, are worse.  One day, of course, is worst of all:

Chris Braak dropped dead of a heart attack this evening.  He was walking to his mailbox to see if there was a new Netflix for he and his fiancee to watch while they ate the special dinner that she’d made him for his birthday.

The spectre of my sudden and dramatically ironic demise looms ever closer.

I hope you’re all happy.

  1. Dave says:

    Happy Birthday Chris, I hope you had a nice day right up until THAT happened.

  2. Braak dc says:

    While I consider myself to against your sudden and dramatic demise ( ever close as it may be looming) what about it, precisely makes you terrible?

  3. Moff says:

    In celebration of your birthday, I poked you on Facebook.

  4. deb says:

    I blame myself and my “life as a novel” syndrome. But I suppose there are worse reasons for being a terrible person. Like being truly evil. Or indigestion.

    Happy Birthday. It gets better.

  5. braak says:

    @Braak dc: it’s not the advent of my looming demise that makes me a terrible person; it’s that my fear of courting it through dramatic irony causes me to never do anything nice for anyone.

  6. Moff says:

    @braak: Also, there’s all those people you killed.

  7. braak says:


  8. Moff says:


  9. braak says:

    You do not know the terrors the future holds. You will never know, indeed, you CAN never know, what I have saved you from.

  10. Daniel says:

    Daniel Gray died today, having been electrocuted after spilling coffee onto his keyboard whilst chuckling at a post on the website “Three Quality Pears”.

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