In the past, I have put together serious considerations of which summer movies I’m going to go and see, but this year, things have been made more difficult.

This year, I’ve not only got to figure out which movies to go to – I have to figure out which COMIC BOOK MOVIES I’m supposed to choose, within the larger selection.

Sigh. It used to be so easy.

At some point, in the distant past, movies didn’t use to cost $11, you see. Tell your grandchildren that. But it’s summer movie season in 2011, and so we’re pretty well screwed. It doesn’t matter that I’ve sworn off seeing the 3D version of things, because I know by and large that’s just a waste of $3. This time of year where you’re not just watching a movie – you’re buying snacks, too.

“But Holland, why don’t you just grab some candy from the Target next to the movie theater?” Ohhh, you think you’re SO SMART, imaginary blog critic. 

Well…yeah, that’s mostly what I do (don’t tell!). But I like greasy popcorn when I watch a movie, dammit. Or, perhaps, pretzel nuggets dipped in congealing cheese – sorry, “cheez.”

All of which means, now I’m preemptively pissed at all these movies, and feel they need to earn my money even more. Anyway, let’s get to it:

Thor: Yup. Tonight!

Pirates 4: Maybe. I mean, they did address my chief problems with the previous sequels, the “Christ do I not care about Kiera Knightley and Orlando Bloom” factor. And I’m pretty sure Ian McShane truly BELIEVES himself to be a pirate at least some of the time. So as long as it can avoid the incredible bloat that the last two were saddled with (which…maybe?), I can find no real fault with “Your favorite actors as lunatic pirates searching for the fountain of youth.”

Kung Fu Panda 2: I found the first one pretty entertaining, and certainly one of the better action movies I saw that year (on account of the action sequences not being all choppy and impossible to track, a problem I know Braak has, too). If my niece or nephew want to go, I wouldn’t object.

Hangover 2: Maybe. I have a huuuuge problem with people complaining, “It’s just like the first one!” because they appear to not understand that it is a brand, built on a specific premise. This is like complaining that the Fast and Furious movies are always about car races. So, while I’ll probably wait for the reviews to come in, I’m not going to reject it for being what it’s about, only with a different setting and plot details.

X-Men: First Class: Strong maybe. I admire that the superhero movies out this year are attempting something a little different – Thor as a great big Viking Fantasy, Green Lantern injecting space opera into the formula, Captain America filtered through a WWII adventure – and here, the swinging 60’s setting and style certainly don’t hurt (and if you’re gonna whine about Emma Frost and Havok being part of the 60’s adventures, I FUCKING HATE YOU AND YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT). On the other hand, I’m gonna be really shocked if there’s anything about the story that I haven’t already figured out.

Super8: Ehhh. I might care more about a slavish, extended Spielberg homage if Spielberg wasn’t himself an executive producer.

Green Lantern: Maybe. It’s certainly different from the usual fare, but I have an intensely difficult time getting worked up for Green Lantern as a property. Plus, that much CGI takes a lot of the weight out of things. I have a feeling the final act is going to look a whole lot like a bunch of glowing green cartoons shooting beams at a glowing yellow space-bug cartoon.

Cars 2: I haven’t seen Cars 1, will I be lost?

Transformers3: hahahaha

Harry Potter 8: Yup. This one is where the stuff happens, as I understand it.

Captain America: Yuuuup. And also, expect a lot of Captain America-related posts to crop up that week.

Cowboys & Aliens: A strong maybe. It’s a good cast, and I have a lot of faith in Jon Favreau at this point. But I wish they’d stop going to such lengths to convince me how serious and important it is. I know the kinda-silly name’s throwing a lot of people off, and there is room to do a movie with this premise without devolving into farce, but on the other hand: your movie is called Cowboys & Aliens, so you should probably loosen up.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes: I am still really, really pissed about having seen Burton’s PotA. And there’s something about that Franco I just don’t trust. Also I don’t care.

Conan: Maybe? There sure does look to be a lot of broadswords and shouting. I suppose I’ll wait to hear more about just how many enemies are crushed, and the tonal quality of the lamentations of their women.

What have I missed?

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Comments
  1. Rise of the Planet of the Apes trailer made me kinda go “whoa fuck,” though.

    Meanwhile, every Green Lantern trailer I see makes me groan just a little louder.

  2. Lisa says:

    I’m kinda glad that in all of that stuff – the only one I actually care about seeing on the big screen is Harry Potter. I mean I’d like to see Cowboys & Aliens in the theaters as well as Super8 but really I would be totally fine with waiting until they can be *ahem* downloaded.

  3. braak says:

    Yeah, I want to see Captain America in the theaters, but basically everything else I’m okay waiting for them to stream on Netflix. Maybe Green Lantern, just because I’m not sure that flying laser space monsters are going to look interesting at all except on the big screen.

  4. […] know how I said I didn’t care about the movie playing loosey-goosey with characters’ personal timelines – like Alex Summers apparently being 20 years older than his older brother Cyclops, or Emma Frost […]

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