Sad News: The REAL Network Upfronts

Posted: May 25, 2011 in Braak
Tags: , , , , , ,

Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize. The vagaries of the television industry are many, and it seems I spoke too soon: it turns out, ALL of the Threat Quality TV upfronts have been canceled before they will go to air. I am sorry Alan Tudyk and Fran Kranz, I am sure you guys will find work somewhere else (? Maybe?). The replacements for the upcoming fall season on CBS will actually be as follows:

This Fall:


The Financier

A wealthy businessman battles corrupt government officials, over-zealous environmental regulators, and lazy, welfare-receiving minorities in order to invest in the small business ventures of down-and-out, but hardworking, white people. His estranged liberal daughter eventually reconciles with him, as she realizes that the best way to enrich the world is to enrich yourself. (Possible sponsorship from Goldman-Sachs.)

The Conspiracy

Joe is just an average, devastatingly handsome, working-class man with a square jaw and six-pack abs and a girlfriend who could be a model but is probably a waitress or something. During the course of his [ordinary job – like, “business guy” or something] he discovers [some kind of secret?] so large that the shadow government will do everything to protect it. Joe has to fight the government conspiracy by yelling, punching, and shooting guns, all of which he learned in his ordinary, regular Special Ops training (just like the average viewer!). The network estimates two to three seasons’ worth of episodes before the writers have to figure out what the secret actually is.


Garden State: The Animated Series

Zach Braff returns to television with this cartoon about a listless twenty thirty forty-something wandering around New Jersey and meeting “quirky” characters (like maybe a guy who has a bunch of dogs or something). Zooey Deschanel replaces Natalie Portman, who was unavailable due to being too good for this shit.

[Untitled Comedy Show]

The three statistically most popular stand-up comics in Midwest markets write a comedy show. Every episode is about whatever three dumb things are trending on Twitter at the beginning of the week. The network predicts 80% of target commercial sales based solely on audience crossover.

This Is America!

Frank is just a regular, schlubby guy with a wife who could be a model, but is probably a homemaker. After the government repossesses his house and his job transfers him to New York, he and his wife move in with her cousin, a hipster who lives in the Williamsburg neighborhood in Brooklyn. There is friction between Frank and his neighbors who are all hipsters. Punchlines will include: “We don’t have THAT in Iowa!” and “Not in MY backyard!”


Big Brother: Health Insurance Edition

10 uninsured twenty-somethings with potentially-dangerous but highly-treatable illnesses will live in a house together and engage in competitions at a local hospital. The winner will receive lifetime health insurance. The losers will probably die from diabetes (but off-camera; good emotional foundation for a reunion episode).

  1. Oprah as you may know started her own religion a few years ago and own church stating GOD was just the good energy around us and leading millions to her church, now gets low ratings on her daytime tv show, and so ends the show after 25 years and buys out Discovery Health and calls it: OWN…. Oprah Winfrey Network…… how can we even start to stop her from leading the weak astray? ohhhh so sad!

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