The 7 Greatest Lines in Wikipedia’s ‘BraveStarr’ Entry

Posted: August 2, 2011 in Jeff Holland, Nostalgia, The Internet, Threat Quality
Tags: , , , ,

You might have had your Transformers and your GI Joe (or if your moms shopped at Woolworths, you might have had your GoBots and your The Corps!), but for my money, the greatest toy/TV combo to come out of the 80’s was BraveStarr.

If you are unfamiliar, you can just believe me when I tell you it was a Filmation cartoon about a galactic marshal on a frontier-themed planet in the far future, who defended the townsfolk against evil prospectors and assorted goons.

Oh, and his horse is his partner. By which I do not mean that his horse is “like his best friend.” His horse is a talking, cybernetic alien who can also stand upright and named his massive rifle “Sara Jane.”

This show was my JAM when I was little. I’d already pretty well figured out that I liked Westerns – but that was probably the first time I consciously understood that genres could mash up or blend (and around the time they trotted out the regenerated and time-shifted Sherlock Holmes in future-London, it was pretty much all I wanted to think about).

So you can imagine my enthusiasm when I realized the entire series is streaming on Netflix Instant (what’s that? I should watch Mad Men? I’m not made of time, people). It also got me curious to see if I was remembering all the elements of the show properly, so naturally, I headed over to Wikipedia.

I love Wikipedia entries on 80’s cartoons, because they try so hard to say some pretty ridiculous things with a scholarly tone. And as a result, it is hilarious. Here are the seven true gems, along with one delightful extra: 

is an American space Western animated television series.” That is A Lot of descriptors. And that is the first sentence.

“It should be noted that these powers are not literally equivalent to the attributes of the animals he invokes, as the Strength of the Bear grants him far greater strength than any real bear, capable of lifting huge boulders, and similarly the Speed of the Puma allows him to run at immense speeds akin to comic-book characters such as Quicksilver or the Flash.”

I love thinking that someone somewhere was a LITTLE miffed that they’d call something “strength of the bear” even though it didn’t literally grant BraveStarr the exact equivalent strength boost.

“[30/30] is the last survivor of an ancient civilization called the Equestroids, a cybernetic breed of sentient equines, and has strength approximating BraveStarr’s bear strength and was loosely based on rock legend David Lee Roth.[citation needed]” (Bold mine)

A lot is being said here with that particular “citation needed.” Also: …WHAT?

“Doc Clayton
: The town’s Afro-American doctor, his name may be a reference to the famous gunfighter Doc Holliday.” Or…or maybe they call him Doc because he’s a doctor. Nevermind, nevermind.

“A red reptilian alien who can exhale giant clouds of sand, which the gang usually uses to escape. His kind are sometimes called ‘sand walruses’ and are native to New Texas. he can also use his sand to put people to sleep and summen up sand creatures and is one of the most evil people on new texas the onle ones worse then him are tex hex and stampede.”

There’s a lot to unpack with this one, starting with “exhale giant clouds of sand” and continuing with “sand walruses.” But the best part is that someone with only a tenuous grasp of spelling and capitalization totally hijacked this entry so everyone would be clear on the “most evil” status of this particular “sand walrus.”

“Fuzz even arrested Skuzz for this until BraveStarr pointed out that smoking isn’t a crime. Though why Skuzz wouldn’t be kept in custody for his real crimes remains a mystery.”

It’s…it’s almost as if this isn’t a hard-hitting police drama. Weird.

(Pat Fraley): A robot with a cactus head and four mechanical legs.” I don’t believe any further commentary’s necessary here.

BONUS: “Silverhawks”

Well, like most Wikipedia entries, I started heading down the rabbit hole here, leading me to my other favorite toy-cartoon, Silverhawks, which had some pretty awesome character designs that of course led my six-year-old self to wonder, “If they’re encased in cybernetic space-armor that allows them to survive in space…How do they pee?”

Well, the editors of this particular page never got around to answering that question, because clearly they had some Much Bigger Fish to Fry:

“The fictitious Galaxy of Limbo in which the series takes place apparently has an overall atmosphere with breathable air and acceptable living condition of temperature and pressure; characters speak in space and operate ‘open-air’ vehicles, and Windhammer’s powers work even when he is not on an actual planet. There is also gravity; characters not “flying” tend to fall downward relative to whatever vehicle, satellite, or other platform with which they lost footing. Apparently, because SilverHawks is a fantastical children’s cartoon, it was not held to high standards of realism. Yet, it provided correct space facts at the end of each episode, apparently meant for the same audience.”

Unwritten but heavily implied follow-up line: “…which is TOTAL BULLSHIT and I hope someone got fired for it.”

  1. braak says:

    Well, you know…he DOES look like David Lee Roth.

  2. Jeff Holland says:

    “Neigh! Hummala bebhuhla zeebuhla boobuhla hummala bebhuhla zeebuhla bop…pard’ner.”

  3. In the cosmic sense, are we not all made of time?

  4. braak says:

    No. Just me.

  5. Jeff Holland says:

    I am made of stars, because Moby would never lie to me.

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