Threat Quality Press

Dear The Department of Justice,

I know you’re probably a little scared, learning these Anonymous guys figured out your password was actually just “123456”. And if this whole SOPA business has shown us anything, it’s that you guys are pretty baffled by the internet in general.

And also you don’t realize that when you say you’re not a “nerd,” what you mean is “I don’t know where the IT department is located.”

So I imagine now that you’re on the brink of deciding that Anonymous is a group of cyber-terrorists (which is totally what you’re going to call them, because admittedly that does sound cooler than “internet-surrectionists”). And you’re wondering just what it is they want.

I would suggest you start by watching the 1995 Modern Classic, Hackers. You will find the answer there. 

They want to see 20-year-old Angelina Jolie’s boobs. Present the Elders of the Internet with an appeasement gift of unfettered, non-grainy, well-lit access to 20-year-old Angelina Jolie’s boobs, and you may yet save all your government websites from complete destruction.

Also, you should try to find your IT department and maybe take them out to lunch, because they’d probably really appreciate a little attention for a change.

You’re welcome, government.

Sincerely,

Jeff Holland
Definitely, totally not a member of Anonymous so you can just go ahead and put that wiretap away now, please

PS – And before you ask, no, you’re not doing the internet wrong. Text on screen does not glow and reflect onto the user’s face while hacking. It’s just a stylistic choice. I know, I know, I was disappointed too.